be a better parent

It seems that with whatever new skills she acquires old ones will be lost. When she learns a new word she’s unable to pronounce the old ones the same way.

I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea anymore to have her around other children with learning disabilities. She’s getting worse in a lot of ways from mimicking their poor behaviors. Her need to shove everything in her mouth has gotten ten times worse, i cannot leave a piece of paper near her or trust her to not chew on her juice boxes once she’s done with them. She has all of the physical capabilities of a four year old but still has the mental capacity of a one year old.

She used to be terrified of the sound of the water from the sink, they helped with that at her school, which is awesome but now she’s developed a fear of all other sounds in return. I cannot bring her outside anymore without her trembling with her ears covered. Pigeons, bugs, and cars driving by are now something to have a panic attack over.

All i can keep doing is keep on exposing her to things she views as a threat. I’m running out of things to do with her. She grows tired of eating and doing the same things over and over like any other kid. I wish i had more help, i wish this didn’t have to be such a battle. I’ve given up hope for her to ever be normal, her father is still in denial and can’t understand that even though she’s grown older she still has to be watched at all times and we still have to use all the same precautionary measures as if she were still an infant. For the rare times he does watch her all i do is worry about her safety. I remember how children treated their mentally disabled peers in school, i see how even adults treat them. She will be attending normal school within the next year or so. I wish i could always protect her but i suppose all parents have those fears. At least she seems happy despite the chaos, all i can do is to keep on showing her love so she’ll stay that way, that’s where my parents fucked up at least i can be better than them.

We’ve been going for more walks and getting out more because the weather is more tolerable. I bought a kite today but have no idea where i’ll use it in a city. There’s really not a whole lot to do with a kid in this town. I have a meeting with her autism workers on Friday, i’ll have to ask them if there are any programs out there we could join.

Her birthday is next week i’d like to bring her somewheres special but she really doesn’t notice much, so i don’t know what’s special to her. I attempted the zoo once but the animals noises terrified her. There’s a big park maybe a 20 minute walk from here i’ll have to check and see what they have there.

Vera has been progressing very well with her ongoing therapy. There’s still much to work on but I’m very proud of her, and confident that this disease will one day no longer try to control her being, and that she’ll become a fully functional person.

She has a whole week off from school next week. Her father and I are thinking of taking her to the museum. I can’t let her disability keep her and me inside all the time. I wish there was more to do here that was kid friendly that wouldn’t cause a giant scene while doing it. I also wish winter would end already.

She’s slowly starting to communicate more with words but at the same time seems to forget them if they are not used daily. I want to be hopeful and believe that someday she’ll be functional, lots of kids just seem to miraculously come out of being autistic, but what happens to the ones that don’t? I don’t really know what to think anymore but it’s not in me to just give up…......i hate time.

I feel tired all the time i’m going to start going to the gym soon so hopefully it will give me more energy to chase my daughter around and do more silly things with her, i want her to be happier she doesn’t have a lot of people in her life hopefully i can change that too.

So my daughter has been finally diagnosed as having a mild case of autism so i can at least breathe a little in knowing that i’m not a horrible mom i just am not trained in dealing with autism and have no idea how to teach a child with this disorder. It’s been frustrating but i’ll be getting help soon and will read books and try to raise my child to be as normal as I possibly can.

So i’ve enrolled Vera into daycare so she can be around other children she didn’t want to leave when we visited so i think she’ll like it. I have some more groups i have to get her involved in and her father will be around more so hopefully things will get better.