To live instead of exist

When you are asked to end a relationship which you don’t wish to end, you are being asked to deny a part of yourself. How do you continue living while killing a piece of your soul?

I learned about the critical path in my quantitative analysis class 3 years ago. It is a series of events that must happen and must happen in that order so that you can successfully and effectively achieve that thing you are planning (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_path_method).

I think there may also be critical paths for relationships and life. Failing to identify that critical path may prematurely end a relationship, keep you from achieve your dream, or change your life for the worse.

The problem with life’s critical path is that there’s not a convenient computer algorithm to help you figure it out.

The trade off in living instead of existing is that sometimes you rub the skin off, you expose the nerves. If you’re alive, things hurt more as well as feel more pleasurable. The more you put out there, the more pain you risk. The upside is that is the pleasure is equally intense. That’s the trade off: you have to be willing to feel all emotions in equal intensity and that’s f**king scary sometimes.

You said “Please” and asked me to set my wants aside. I could do nothing else for you. That is the frustration of want for me.

You know how when you fall asleep with your hand against your face, you’ll wake with a hand print on your face. It’s because the skin takes an impression of what’s pressing against it. The longer that thing presses against the skin, the deeper the impression it leaves.

I have a “D” shaped impression in my life. And now that we’re apart, that’s all he is: an impression. He was so integral, so immediately that every time I look at my life I feel the “D” shaped impression there.

Because he was such an intense part of my life, the memories are powerful and passionate. They can take me out of the moment. They overwhelm. Some times it’s like I’m breathing the memories of us.

So I am trying to be patient, to let the “D” shaped get a little more shallow so as not overwhelm the rest. But sometimes that’s all it is, trying.

I’m alone. I’m hurting because I’m alone. Old wounds reopened. Old doubts returning. Trying to not forget how much more alive I am, that I’m not only existing any more. But the bed is empty and sleep just isn’t what it used to be.

I did an evening out tonight. Met up with a friend from work at the bar after work. He’s had a rough week too, made a major, life altering decisions.

D came out too. Met me there. Spent 2 hours with me there after IM’ing me several time today. He was playful. I miss him but I am not in tears.

Can’t sleep. Can’t shut out the thoughts. Been trying to sleep for an hour now. And what it comes down to is what do I want next. I make life difficult for myself and others. Tonight is one of the nights I wish that weren’t so…

Yes, I’m still integrating. That’s what happens when you end up with more on your plate than you expected or could normally handle by taking things one at a time. So you have to juggle a bit and figure out how to make all the new stuff fit together. I don’t mind tho. It stretches you in new ways, takes you outside your comfort zone and shows you other pieces of life you may not have seen before. And regardless of the outcome, you will have lived a little more than before.

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis.
- Martha Beck