live passionately

Last night, I had the privilege of seeing Carlos Santana live in concert. It was an amazing night of music. It made me cry with tears of joy and adoration… There are no words. I don’t even recommend putting on a recording. There is nothing that comes close to live, in concert.

It takes you to another dimension, one that exists only as sound. You could just disintegrate into the music, float away in a river of guitar notes. Lost in the beat of drums. And that is only a pale representation of what it was to be there.

The 2 men that have played on my heart strings in the last year have the same birthday, one year apart… That’s a mind f**k if I ever saw one.

A ship in port is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.
- Grace Murray Hopper

Sometimes you have to loose sight of the shore to really find out what’s out there. So here’s to recent opportunities to go beyond the shore. I will continue to enjoy my time in the open ocean, one day at a time.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
Voltaire (1694 – 1778)

I’m not sure that my belongings can much longer survive this goal…

Why do you infect me so? Is it because what I really want is to be desired and you desired me? I sit up now wanting to talk to you, be near you. Aching because I can’t. Wanting to share things with you and have you share in return. Does fear hold me back? Fear that you won’t answer the phone? Fear that you’ll say the wrong things? Fear that I want you, am infected by you, far me than you for me?

Sometimes finding a different outlet for your passion may save you when you can’t properly express the thing you are passionate about. It may help you move thru your inability to a more healthful place even if it isn’t the place you want to be…

and dancing flames lick the edges of sanity. The interesting thing about being passionate about something is what kind of outlets you have for it. If you have good outlets, useful ones, being passionate is wonderful, fulfilling. If you have bad outlets or none at all, being passionate can drain you and leave you jaded. The trick is to find good healthy outlets for your passions and learn new ways in how to deal with the unhealthy ones.

You stopped inspiring me to do new things. I stopped wanting to explore with you. Why did that happen? Was it the cause of the end or a symptom of the ending?

Why don’t you answer? Do you want me? Do you have feelings for me? If you do, does that scare you and you want to stay away? Do you loath me and want me to leave you alone? If so, why don’t you say so? Do you just not like e-mailing? Then why do you never answer when I call?

How do I stay optomistic when it’s only emptiness that greets me? How do I keep hope alive when I’m afraid of what this means and scared of hurt? Where just hearing your voice, seeing your e-mail would make things better? How do I not close off and move on? What sense does it make to defy the laws of self-preservation, to risk never having a real answer? Of risking permanent damage? Why can’t I just let it go?

I’m working so hard to be patient. Take time. Not press so hard. But that’s not what I want to do. I just don’t seem to have any other choices right now. I’m doing the best I can but I’m so not used to this.