be who I want to be and not something else.

I have found a whole new dimension to this goal. I am constantly avoiding being like my parents – which is an ongoing thing and I am much better at it now.

The new issue is being the stressed out crazy person who I don’t like to think I relate to but SO do! For example, today I finally put the Save the Dates together for the wedding. Then while joyfully stuffing the envelopes (because the task was reaching completion) I noticed a type-o in the URL for our eWedding Website!!! You can’t have a type-o there. People won’t find the site! It’s not like a grammar error – although that would have stressed me out too. Needless, my GERD has gone up a little as a result and I am now feeling more stressed (whether I like to face it or not) because I now have to spend my Friday night doing more of the task that was NEARLY complete.

GAH! My whole thing is sh%# like this happens! It’s unavoidable. I don’t give up and crumble – but it bugs me way more than my significant other. He is almost too relaxed – although I won’t go there. I can manage to get through the rest of my day and my duties at work etc. but I am a grumpy person as a result. More than grumpy I am exhausted.

Anyhow, perhaps I need to work on relaxing….work on relaxing…sounds like a task. :P

God…being me is harder than being someone else? How is this possible.

Oddly I found inspiration in the new Harry Potter movie. “It’s not how you are the same but how you are different.” I am terrified about turning out like my parents. Unhappy, depressed and most of all alone. Everyone is always putting up walls in my family, most often b/c you have to, but if one person would be and stay nice beyond all the crap it would at least give people some inspiration. Fact is you can’t be like that with them and be in a relationship with them. But I would like to be walless with some other people. Be me and be reasonable in protecting myself but not like what I don’t want to be like.

I also cause a lot of turmoil in my own mind. I don’t do it outwardly like my fam but I do it in my head instead and get crumpy and take things personally.

I am rambling…at least I know that’s ME! I ramble and I am proud of it.

....let’s face it I think I suck at this goal.
When I got sick last summer I became a very scared bitch.
I also became very insecure and somewhat depressed. I began to worry that I was going to die and that my whole life was so screwed up. The things I could control were ok like school etc. however the things I could not like other people were dissapointing. I remember laying in the hospital and thinking “I could die and my stupid mom’s family would just get a phone call.” They can’t get there act enough together to have a REAL relationship with me and so I am going to die with half the people I love MIA.

I became very bitter. On top of it my bf was overworking and to put it simply was horrible at communicating.

We both acted like people we don’t even want to be? WHY? Why the hell is it sooo easy to be a bad person. Where as to be a good person, all around, is difficult. Why is it easier to be unhappy? I don’t mean it’s easy and simple to be a bad person b/c it isn’t (something that has bitten me in the ass a couple time this year). I just mean it’s easy in the momment to be a bad person and then it feels impossible to regain your integrity…which makes the whole thing not easy in the long run. It’s way more effort than that trying to be good and nice that you could have been in the first place.

Anyhow…be nice!!!!! It may be tough sometimes but SUCK IT UP! And you’ll thank your stars that when life gets messy and complicated it will less likely be your own fault. I know I’ll be doing that.

I am keeping this goal one year. To make up for this year where I screwed up on this goal WAY TO MUCH!

...I was crabby, sick girl. Oh and bored. Being bored for me is bad.

I said I was sorry to the bf for being a crab tho. He was a crab all weekend so I am no sinner.

I wish we didn’t have to be crabby tho…it sucks. I just like feeling secure, happy, supported and love. When I start doubting that stuff is when I get crabby. “The mean reds” as Audrey would put it.

..hormones. I hate saying that at all however it’s just true. My mother would have her worst freak outs as a result of her week of hormones. My aunt admitted to it as well. I am personally not new to the game either. It’s really sucky tho. I used to just go with the feelings instead of trying to keep them in check, considering to an extent I can’t control hormones (and I am not taking pills been there done that). However, lettting them run me and who I appear to my loved ones is just bad thinking.

Anyhow, I am currently fighting the urge to complain about how sucky my life is b/c of my allergies and how I hate how no one seems to be accomodating my allergies even though they are life threatening…ok…I am indirectly complaing. Shhhh….

I will not be them. And this not recognizing a problem and nipping it in the bud would be something they would do. So I am not doing it!

My boyfriend gets hormonal tho I swear. He goes through grumpy spurts. But less regularly and they don’t seem to make him think he’s loosing it.

Can’t wait for this week to be over and have my mind back.

....didn’t get super upset but got very upset about something that didn’t really require it.

I feel I have made a step. Just gotta stay on top of this goal even when I feel like nothing could fix anything in that momment.

“In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are.”
- Max de Pree

...with being ill so often I was not in my best place and I learned a lot about my “default settings”. Funny how the things you hated about your parents growing up are so easy to mimic when you are not consciously watching your words and actions. I said a lot of stuff I didn’t mean this year and stopped being the part of ME I have consciously nourished since leaving home.

I’ve said my sorries though and I am learning to develop better “default settings”.