manage my Bipolar disorder

Sometimes when I’m on
I’m really fucking on
and my friends all sing along and they love me.
But the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fucking cheap,
and it teases me for weeks in its absence.
But I’ll fight, and I’ll make it through.
I’ll fake it if I have to
and I’ll show up for work with a smile.
I’ll be better, I’ll be smarter,
more grown up and a better daughter
and a real good friend.

Here I am, sitting in front of my Mac with my Oriental Shorthair purring in my lap, typing, rambling away as an attempt to make sense of my racing thoughts and cycling moods. I’m feeling down, but I know it could be worse. I feel submerged in lonliness but I know I’m not alone. A few years ago, if I were to dip into a mood like this, I would swallow half a bottle of NyQuil and draw a razor blade over my thighs until I passed out from the sedative. I certainly am making progress with this. I need to remember that.

Just breathe.

Its gonna be okay.

Good night everyone,
Meg

Sometimes I feel like I have no one.

I hate how my mood swings almost define who I am.

I’m cynical and negative.
My creativity is stunted.
I feel like I can’t do anything.

I am officially bored with this side of me.

really bad.

We were in his car, driving to his house (a half hour away), and he says “We’re going to work on your problem-solving skills.”

He confronted me about something I had done recently that was wrong, that hurt him. And we talked about it the whole way to his house, making the half hour seem like half a lifetime. I ripped out chunks of my hair because I felt cornered and overwhelmed. I had been feeling guilty since it happened – I knew it was wrong – but it was klling me even more so because I was finding out how much he really cared. For a while I was blinded by my own vices so much that I didn’t believe that I was anything special to him at all. And while I squirmed in the passenger seat, I thought about the blade I keep in my purse. I thought about staining the new white summer dress I wore for the first time that day. I thought about drawing it across my legs, my arms, my chest. I leaned over for my purse and realized that I left it at home. I decided not to bring it since I was only gonna be back home early in the morning (which is completely out of character – I never go anywhere without my purse). It’s times like that, that make me start to believe that someone is watching over me.

Well yesterday I woke up extremely anxious. So I put on some running shoes and got moving.

I walked 11.5 miles – all the way to my dad’s house (whom I hadn’t talked to in months because I’ve been in such a bad funk). I then spent the day playing with my niece and nephew. It was great:)

There’s something about little kids that just make ya feel good.

I know this is a low, and I will elevate soon – but how fucking low can I get? I take my medication. The world would be a better place without me.

...but you’ll have that.

I think my depressed mood is related to the fact that I couldn’t make myself eat today, even though I was hungry. I tried to make some food on a couple occasions and I ended up throwing it out before I was done making it. I actually stood in my kitchen, watching water start to boil and my conflicting thoughts of food made me cry; so I spilled out the water and decided to not eat. And I really don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to except the thousands of strangers that (might) read this and comment it (if they feel like it). I have no money right now, and I no longer have health insurance – so I can’t afford therapy anymore. I’m barely able to refill my presciptions. I feel so whiny – no wonder I don’t have anyone.

On nights like this, I just don’t know what to do.

I just want to sleep…and eat something, damn it.

I hate this disease.

It consumes me until I don’t know who I am anymore.

The guilt.
The scars.
The people I’ve hurt.
The hours of lost sleep.

I must say, that my lows have helped me create art that I don’t think I could ever make in any other mind-set, but even that is not worth all this pain, this void, this fucking mess.

I have no health insurance anymore, my mom is already a wreck, I’m supposed to start a new job next week…I can’t do this now – so please, let this pass.

Please, let this pass.