Overcome my eating disorder.

I’ve been sick all week…yesterday I could only consume half a bottle of Gatorade. It’s sad, but between the times where I felt overwhelmingly nauseated I felt excited thinking about the calories I wasn’t consuming.

I hate the way I think sometimes…

I was in a fairly serious car accident this summer. I was unable to get around normally for almost a month…and all that down-time helped in my recent weight gain. I am 153 lbs – my heaviest weight yet. Even in my chubby teen years I had never been over 147. This has made me two things: afraid of stepping on a scale, and feel unbearably guilty every time I eat. I work at a clothing store (Buckle) and I feel like I’ve let myself down every time I get dressed. I just want to wear loose sweatpants and hoodies…or plastics. It’s hard for me not to feel inferior or less of a member of society when I notice my face is a little rounder and I feel all-around not attractive. I haven’t reverted back to diet pills, but I sure have thought about it. I don’t think I could do that to Michael…he’s been standing with me through my worst with bulimia, the starving, the pills. My last bottle of Hydroxycut Hardcore was flushed down the toilet in his house and I swore I wouldn’t take them again. It’s time that I stood by my word.

“I wish you would eat more…you’re making yourself look like a scarecrow and it scares me.” – my mom.

I’m scared too.

Have any of you seen the Sara Lee commercial on television? It’s like a hundred snaps of different people eating different foods to a song called “Happy-happy-joy-joy” and the end of it says something like The joy of eating.

I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach every time I see it.

Seriously, I have to walk out of the room.

I’m hungry…but I can’t make myself eat.

I can hear my stomach growling…but I can’t even look at food.

I’m starting to like what I see in the mirror…but I despise myself at the same time.

I’m fading away..but where am I going???

I ate a small breakfast this morning – so I thought it was going to be a good day, but that was all I could manage.

I drank some pineapple juice. I went for a run (that felt good).

Tried to make something to eat a couple times today, but I ended up throwing it out before I finished making it. I was so set on boiling water for some rice. I stood there, watching the water start to boil and I began to cry. I just spilled out the water and decided I’m not going to eat anymore today.

Writing this makes me cry. I feel so alone.

I get a little ahead, I take even two steps, I fall five steps back.

Today was not good.

But there is hope for tomorrow.

if prenatal vitamins make you gain weight?

A friend of mine reccomended them to make my nails and hair grow faster.

Right now I can not stop thinking about the cinnamon rolls that are sitting in my mum’s kitchen. I want to eat all of them – all 2000+ calories.

I know I’ll just feel overwhelmed with guilt if I cave. It’s taking all my will power to stay in this room.

I wish I could sleep.

Yesterday was Mothers’ Day.

I took my mum out to breakfast, but it was so stressful finding something to eat. I didn’t want anything – but I didn’t want to take my mum out and not eat with her…

So all I managed to eat was an egg, no salt, one sausage patty that was about 1.5” in diameter, and a piece of wheat toast, no butter. I had a bowl of whole grain cereal later…and that’s all I could do.

I’m afraid I’m scaring myself into not eating at all.