Sometimes it seems the minute I come up with a really good plan, that’s the moment my life stops entirely and I make no development at all in that area.
My plan of six daily “periods” to focus on is BRILLIANT! I love it. But I haven’t done a damned thing with it since I thought of it.
Almost every day since then, I’ve slept in until 9 or 10am, rather than waking up at 4 or 5 like I should have. I’ve let my son get himself up and ready and off to school all by himself, instead of playing “the good mother” and getting my own day started at the same time, and cooking him a hot breakfast, etc. I know he’s fine taking care of himself, but I don’t admire the me that leaves him to it as much as I would admire the me that got out of bed and acted more involved.
I can’t seem to control my sleep. I feel the need either to sleep tremendously too much (10-12 hours of comatose unresponsiveness) or not sleep at all (3-4 hrs of fitful half-rest).
I’m having a LOT of resistance to leaving the house, unless there is an actual friend at my door coming to take me somewhere, such as choir practice, or a day of shopping. I can’t seem to make myself do anything BY myself. Inside I feel like whining all the time, wishing someone would hold my hand literally, and be with me and make everything better instead of having all this responsibility alone and being such a worthless failure.
This isn’t productive. I can’t spend all my time beating myself up. Some things are getting done every day, even if it isn’t what I think of as “enough” to justify myself as “worthy”. My kids are fed and clothed. My house is functionally clean, even if not pretty. My obligations to friends are being met. Just because I could/should be doing ten times as much doesn’t mean that what I AM doing is nothing.
I read once of a cure for bedwetting that involved TELLING the child to wet the bed. If they were going to do it anyway, make it a choice. Do it on purpose. Choose to do what you’re doing anyway. And then it becomes nearly impossible to do. Maybe I should find out what the hell I’m really doing, and then CHOOSE to do that.
9am: wake and surf the internet for three hours
noon: shower, if you feel like it because your feet are cold. Otherwise, stay grungy.
3pm: meet kids coming home. Feel very guilty that they’ve worked all day doing THEIR thing, and you’ve only done internetty stuff rather than any housecleaning. Try to get them to do a chore, and call it “management”.
Damn. When I look at it that way it makes me so ashamed. I’m not sure it makes a difference that I am ashamed. But it certainly isn’t a pretty picture.
I’m trying to get up the gumption to leave the house now. The weather is pretty for the first time in a week. I don’t have a migraine. I’ve taken a shower. All I need to do is put on shoes and “outside” clothes, and gather bags etc. and GO.
God, I have such an urge to just surf the internet some more. Maybe I’ll find more videos on how to make doll houses. Maybe I’ll take a nap. Maybe I’ll write more posts or comments here, and pretend that that means I’m being “connected” to people. ARGH!! I know nothing matters now except moving and getting out of here!!!! I feel like my legs are stuck in tar, and I cannot move.
I’ll see if I can break the inertia. It’s pull is strong. I hope I can escape it. Insert some reference here to the gravitational pull of a galactic object and warp thrusters trying to save the Enterprise from falling into its field forever. ARgh. I’m such a loser. I have to get off the computer now.