put myself first

The husband offered to work on two things…I only picked one: that he go to a counsellor. I don’t care what he talks about, I trust that it will throw uo relevant htings that will make improvements in our rekationship. So far it’s been not quite what I expected but progress none the less.

I was looking through previous entries and how I thought “look after yourself so you can look after others” was a cliched statement well meaning people say…and that i didn’t know how to balance my needs and my husband’s. Well it seems now that I am looking after myself, I am naturally in a better position to look after others. Go figure…they were right. I guess you just can’t see it when you’re not tending to your own needs. I’ve made the committment that I am a priority and am flying with it and when talking to potentially ex husband, I had more insight on how to meet his needs aswell and didn’t feel in the least bit put upon or resentful that I “had” to do it. I just wanted to and I have the emotional room to do it.

I also put a lot of faith in the love language concept (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/) and think that husband and I had forgotten this, weren’t understanding each other properly which leads to feeling taken for granted or not important.

In an ironic twist of fate, my husband announced he would like a divorce, the top of his list of reasons why was that he didn’t want to be married to someone with depression. he didn’t feel in control and thought he was ruled by my emotions.
Whatever. The man never seemed to give a toss about my emotions and now he’s claiming them as a reason? Sure.
The up shot is, there is noone else to put first, so it’s all me baby! I was actually genuinely achieving this anyway but now it’ll be so much easier. Note to self: no rebound relationships.

I was so stoked last night, when talking to a good friend who still lives in Chch (where I used to live and the husband still does) and she said one of “the girls” had asked how I was getting on and she replied “you know what? Jo’s doing really well. She seems to be putting herself first more”. The cool thing about this is I haven’t told her about my goal, but already the changes I’m making are tangible to people close to me. Yay for me.

I am in control of my environment.

If I put myself first I think I’ll lose my marriage. How’s that for a ballsy entry? I made a committment to another person and to maintain the relationship, it seems I’ll be making a lot of sacrifices and compromising of myself. I don’t feel like I’m a prioity to my husband and I’m definitely not a priority for me. I talk about it with him but am pretty sure this is the way it’s going to be and I’m ltting it be that way.

I put others first to receive praise and attention. Only people just take it for granted and stop bothering to praise or even notice and then I get upset and think it’s my fault. Although, it is my fault for giving a shit in the first place.

Look after yourself before you look after others etc. It sounds simple and sounds like a given but it’s surprising how often I realise I’m not. Who cares about me? I don’t. But then it creeps up and suddenly nothing’s working out anymore and it’s because I forgot about me.