and I’m no closer then I was before. If anything I think I might believe less as time goes on.
It’s weird though. Part of me thinks there is still something out there but I can’t find it and I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll e-mail my cousin and my friend. My cousin is really close with me and is an atheist so it’ll be interesting to listen to how he came to that conclusion. My friend was pagan but became atheist and…for lack of better words, came out on the other side again as pagan. How the fuck did she do that? I just don’t see the point in it all anymore.
I almost never pray, some days I think I get an inkling of something and then most days I feel nothing at all. I want to take part in rituals and holidays but I don’t see the point and get so apathetic about it. Doesn’t help that the house I live in is almost oppressively Christian and the people I live with are assholes. I can’t wait to get out of this house.
Sometimes I feel like crying.
I have no clue what I believe in anymore. I don’t know if I believe in God or Gods or if I don’t. I feel so abandoned by my faith. I just don’t feel that connection anymore with The All like I used to. I haven’t even done any type of rituals or spells either because I don’t know what the point is or if they’ll work. I don’t really pray anymore because I don’t know who to pray to and I don’t celebrate any of the Pagan holidays because it feels like it’s just lip service.
I don’t think I’m an atheist though, I just don’t know how to get that connection back, or what I really believe in and I don’t know where to start looking for it.
I feel so alone in the spiritual sense. It makes me really sad, I don’t feel like the Gods care about me anymore, everything’s just gone. I don’t really know what to do. I keep telling people I’m a Pagan still because the truth is just too complicated to explain.
It’s been like this for a while now. I was looking for signs to lead me in the correct direction to find my spirituality again, but….it just seems like they’ve stopped and I don’t know where to go from here.
Has anyone ever had a crisis of faith before? What the hell did you do?
I can’t help but think that if I was a Christian this might be easier, haha.
I’ve begun praying to the Gods at night before going to bed. I don’t know why, I just started up again. It just felt right.
But maybe it was a good thing. I say ‘lost’ but it’s not like I don’t believe in a God head…or heads as I am pagan. I just don’t know what I believe and hold true.
But now that I have stopped labeling myself with a certain pagan tradition and things like that. I seem to be getting more in touch with the spiritual. It’s like a seed that I was overwatering and now that it’s drying up it’s slowly taking root and growing.
I still don’t quite know what it is I believe. I know I’m pagan, and my rituals are actually working more since I ‘lost my way’, which is slightly odd; but more and more I’m listening to the world and am finding my way.