be more assertive

Observations pointed out to me this week about my personality: I don’t like bothering people and I’m often willing to adjust and accommodate them even when it works against my own best interest.

I’m told that part of being assertive is recognizing when you have been treated inappropriately and not standing for it. Always be respectful when dealing with people at any level (higher or lower than you) and whether you personally like them or not or are close to them or not but speak up when they overstep their bounds or mistreat you by failing to live up to their obligations to you (voluntary or otherwise).

So, I need to do a better job at recognizing when I have been treated inappropriately and not standing for it. People can mistreat you in subtle ways, but I’m often not so good at catching subtleties…

I was in a restaurant while on my mini vacation in San Diego the other day, and I ordered a hamburger, well, actually a salmon burger since I don’t really eat beef. Anyway, I love this place but the one thing that annoyed me is that every time I ordered a burger there they always gave me the lettuce, tomato and onions on the side, and I would have to put together the sandwich myself. That’s so freakin’ annoying! If I’m going to pay almost ten bucks for a sandwich I think it should come already put together. So, when I placed my order I told the waiter that I wanted my sandwich already complete and that I didn’t want to have to put anything in it myself. If I’m paying for a service, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be able to honor a simple request from me, right? Well, the waiter seemed annoyed but he said okay.

You can imagine my displeasure then when my sandwich came out and the lettuce, tomato and onions were on the side and not already in the sandwich. The person who brought the food to my table wasn’t even the same guy who took my order. I was displeased, but I did realize that it was not really such a big deal as I could make my own sandwich… but still! Later, the original waiter did come back to my table and ask if the sandwich came as I requested since he didn’t bring the food to the table and he didn’t know how to communicate my request to the cooks since they only spoke Spanish. Give me a break! He insincerely apologized when I told him my request had gone unfulfilled. Needless to say, he didn’t get a very good tip…

This is small and maybe it sounds stupid, but here goes. In the office where I work people on my side of the floor share a laser printer. Well, this printer seemed to be frequently subject to paper jams over the past couple of weeks, and every time I tried to print something and got a paper jam I would helplessly attempt to figure out how to unjam the printer. After spending maybe a few minutes I would eventually give up and go back to my desk and work on something else and then try back later and see if someone else had tried to print and ran into the same problem and then solved it. This was just so freakin’ annoying.

This week, however, when it happened to me again, I got the nerve to ask someone how to fix it. The person I asked told me that the printer, which needs to be repaired, gave that message whenever the amount of paper in the tray was low and likely didn’t have a jam at all. Well, I took her suggestion to fill the tray to the top, and it worked. Why didn’t I just ask sooner, I wonder?

I’m not that shy about making an appointment to see a doctor when there is something really wrong with me. However, when I’m going for the purpose of having something elective done, it’s an entirely different story. A few years ago, when I finally made the decision to get my teeth fixed, before actually making an appointment I literally spent several minutes almost every day for two weeks sitting in front of the phone with a list of dentists, almost in a state of panic with my heart beating very quickly with my hand hovering over the phone trying to find the nerve to actually make the call. I’m not sure what causes such anxiety… fear of doctors… fear of change (even if it’s change I want)... or just fear of making phone calls…

Anyway, I’ve been interested in a certain minor, elective procedure for a long while and decided that this week I would finally make an appointment to see a doctor about it. I sat in my car during part of my lunch break (as I don’t like making personal calls in the office) for two straight days in a row with my cell phone and a list of phone numbers before I got the nerve to actually make a call. Actually, the first day, I made a call but the number for that particular doctor was out of service and then I lost my nerve to try other numbers. The second day, the next number I tried was the wrong number because that particular doctor had moved offices (my insurance carrier really needs to do a better job at keeping its directory up to date), but the receptionist happened to know and was nice enough to give me the new number. I almost chickened out again, but I ended up making the call… and… it was rather uneventful and nothing to have been afraid of, and I have an appointment for late next week…

I was in my favorite restaurant this evening, the Pita Kitchen in Sherman Oaks, which is a rather small place. So, as soon as I walked in I put my magazine down on an empty table to reserve it for me while I waited in line and ordered my food since it’s unpredictable how crowded it could get. When I came back to my table about 2 or 3 minutes later, my magazine was gone! At first I thought maybe the cleaning person threw it out, so I peaked in the garbage and didn’t see it there. I was looking around at the other people because I figured someone had stolen it after seeing me put it down. I felt in a way kind of “violated”. As I said, this is a small place and whoever took it had to have seen me I would assume. I glanced around at a table in the back and saw someone reading it, a big muscular guy that could beat me up if he wanted to. But, I had just spent over 6 bucks for that magazine and hadn’t had a chance to read any of it. I wanted it back, so I momentarily lost any fear and said “Excuse me, that’s my magazine.” The guy said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anybody was sitting there.” I said “No problem” as he handed it back to me…

In the past I’ve been notoriously gullible when it comes to dealing with sales people. I was a telemarketer’s dream. My most shameful experience was four years ago when I bought my car. Next time I buy a car, I’m definitely not going to go alone. I’d be a few thousand dollars richer today were I not so passive or had someone with me to save me from myself.

Anyway, I was in Vitamin Shoppe last Saturday to buy melatonin pills, which I hoped would help me meet my other goal to get more sleep at night. The sales clerk asked me if I had a Vitamin Shoppe card. I said no, which prompted her to ask me if I wanted one. I said no. I’m good at resisting offers for store cards. She then asked me if I wanted the Vitamin Shoppe brand instead of the name brand of pills I was buying. I pondered this a second as I didn’t know if the brand made a difference or not, but I decided to say no just for the sake of standing my ground and not being moved by suggestion. The clerk then asked me if I wanted vitamins which I could get a couple of dollars off on if I bought two. I pondered this a second too not because I needed more vitamins but more because the clerk seemed really nice and sincere and I felt like I might disappoint her if I said no, but again I stood my ground and resisted the urge to buy something I didn’t need.

I have learned to not be fooled into feeling any kind of personal obligation to the sales person, which has been my biggest problem in giving in to sales pitches.

I’m making very slow progress here, but I’ve decided to make it a point to record at least one assertive act I’ve done each week.

Well, here’s my baby step for the week: I was at the bank last Friday withdrawing money when I noticed the balance in my passbook was not the same as what was on my account statement online. Instead of making an assumption about what was causing the difference like I would ordinarily do, I asked that the teller investigate the reason for the difference. My assumption would have been right (that there was a delay in a certain transaction being posted in one source), but it still felt good to take the initiative to get a real explanation.

I’m not sure if I should count this, but here’s another one: In an effort to make progress on my goal to maintain my existing friendships, my friend and I make an effort to do some activity (like hiking) every week so we can get caught up with what’s going on in each other’s lives. Anyway, I had been relying on him to make all the arrangements each time. He sent me an e-mail asking me to call him to make the arrangements this week so that I can begin taking more initiative. Well, I did this as he asked, but I’m not sure how assertive this is if I did it because he told me to. It’s a start, I guess. It’s never been easy for me to call people on the phone for social reasons, and I get really nervous as I’m dialing, but it wasn’t so bad…

One of the biggest difficulties I have with being more assertive is worrying how it might affect my current relationships. People already have an expectation of how I’m supposed to act, and it may confuse them and change the dynamic of our relationship if I start acting differently.

I’ve been reading a book called the “The Assertiveness Workbook”, which I purchased for the role playing exercises for practice in being more assertive in everyday situations. Some of the suggestions in the book are simplistic and even kind of nutty, but it has really helped me to understand the different styles of communication (like assertive is not the same as aggressive) and the ways in which I have been passive and passive aggressive rather than confronting problems or situations I face head on. I feel ashamed now to think of how my lack of assertiveness has caused confusion, misunderstanding or bad feelings in situations involving my friends.

My usual pattern is to flee or hide from situations I find uncomfortable, and it’s not easy to change that. At least now, I think I can recognize this flaw in my behavior as it happens and I hope this will motivate me to respond differently…