If anyone of you read my post a few weeks back, you would know that I’m in love and now in a relationship. Wonderful, right? Right. But after an uncharacteristically long period of anxiety respite, it’s decided to reappear once more to dampen my love-bliss. It seems I’m never fully impervious to this beast. Yesterday it hit me full force, snapping my confidence in half like a twig and turning me into a crying mess. I don’t want to feel this way. Not again. My last relationship was so packed with anxiety and paranoia that there were times when I’d worked myself into such a frenzy that I could hardly breathe. But I’ve been given something so much more than anything I could’ve even dreamed of with my ex; I’ve got something- someone who makes me happy and loves me for who I am. Yet these bad feelings continue to sneak up on me. All I want is to fully enjoy my relationship.
But I’m scared.
Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that everything happens for a reason. Every bad thing that occurs in my life, no matter how painful, happens for a specific reason. To learn something, to realize something, to lead me to somewhere or someone I need to be- whatever the reason is, even if it’s unbeknownst to me, I can seek solace and reassurance in the fact that the universe isn’t just plotting to vex me for no reason.
The beat of life can be disconcerting at times, but I find that going at my own pace makes everything a little more bearable.
Somehow, I have had an unusually low amount of anxiety since moving. The majority of my triggers must have been somewhere in my old school/environment because I’m a happier person now. It’s amazing how a person can languish in one setting and then flourish in another.
I’ve realized that I tend to perform a sort of self-sabotage in the form of purposely filling my head with doubts. If I start a new relationship, I start creating scenarios in which the relationship comes to an end, usually due to my significant other cheating or just stopping all contact completely out of the blue. If I get excited about a future trip I want to go on, I picture myself unable to go due to lack of money. I’m constantly standing my own way and creating my own anxiety, but I have no idea why. No idea why I do this to myself. I am my biggest adversary.
Recently, I’m beginning to give up on this and accept that anxiety is just something I’ll deal with for the rest of my life. It seems to be that way. Even if I remind myself that anxiety is the exact opposite of confidence, that it’s irrational, it’s silly, it will still pop up in the same situations. Someone takes too long to respond to my text? They’re ignoring me. My friend doesn’t talk to me for a day? They’ve decided to end our friendship. I get rejected? I’ll never find someone to be with.
It’s juvenile. It’s irksome. But I can’t make it stop. The anxiety just won’t disappear no matter how much I try to breathe it away.
It’s amazing how helpful it can be to just take a few deep breaths. Lately, I’ve been nipping sudden attacks of anxiety by closing my eyes and just breathing in and out for several seconds. Obviously I can’t breathe away huge waves of paranoia and/or anxiety, but controlling what you can is better than nothing.
Naturally, every time I come on this goal page the ads on the side are related to anxiety and stress. Here’s my favorite:
“Anxiety is torture and mysterious. Christian’s can be set free of it.”
Darn! Too bad I’m not a Christian. Because this anxiety sucks.
“Paranoia, the destroyer…”
Truer words have never been spoken. Over the course of a month, I’ve become cognizant of a great number of things about myself. The most eye-opening of said things is that I am a very anxious and paranoid person, mostly in my interpersonal relationships. Almost every day I get hit with waves of paranoia and anxiety, to the point of it being downright irrational. Even though I know it’s silly, the anxiety seriously damages my relationships with friends and family. It’s almost as if my mind realizes when I’m content, and immediately hits me with anxiety. I hate feeling this way. Why can’t I just be happy?