be happy

Im confident within myself and at work but when Im around people my confidence goes out the window. When Im around people all I want to do is sit in a cournor quietly watching and listening with no one noticing me. I think thatz why I retreat to my room everytime Im not at work, cause Im by myself and my confidence is up.
For example, I have noticed it alot tonight because of where I am and who I am with, Im terrified about cooking for people cause of the critism that I got when I was little, Im not confident with driving with people cause of the critism that I alwayz get. I love cooking for myself because I dont get people staring at me and I know what Im doing where if Im cooking for people or helping people I just get uncertain with what Im doing, like Im afraid that Im doing something wrong and itz like my head is all mushy and all I want to do is get out of there. Also with driving Im confident when Im by myself but when Im with people my head goes all mushy and Im just afriad that Im doing something wrong… Thatz why I hate driving with people and hate cooking for and with people… It, I have relaised tonight, that itz a big problem for me cause itz affecting me and everyone around me.
Im going to make an appointment with the mental heatlh team at the hospital to hopefully see if they can help me cause I dont think that I can get out of it by myself…

Well I went to the shopping centre and ran into 2 of my old school matez, we chatted and I told them about the circus Im going to tonight so they are going to go as well, they didnt know that the circus was on. After that I rocked up to a friendz place and chatted with them for abit before they had to go somewhere, whenever I see their car in the garage I just go vist them, Im getting good at that. And now tonight I invited a friend from work if she wanted to go to the circus, so we are both going to the circus, Im picking her up. Tomorrow Im visting my boyfriend Jeremy and we both are going to dinner with a some of his friendz, Im excited and happy about that. Im getting much better at this and hopefully get the hang of everything lol. :-)

Ive done 30min of swimming 500m today and walked for an hr with my 2 dogz. Im wanting to do stuff more cause Im just depressed and keeping myself busy is the best thing to do… Im going to do water aerobicz with a friend when I get a chance a couple of timez a weekn so that will be good. Be more social and get out there more, give myself motivation!

Ive been on a rollarcoaster ride for a long time now… 3 months ago I was the happiest that I have ever been ever and now Im just in the dumpz again… Ive increased my antidepressant medication and Im hoping to get the courage to see the mental health Pshychologist sometime in the near future. I know that I need to go back to them but I dont know… Grrrr…

Ima in a place where Ima no longer living – Ima just dont care at all anymore – I dont care if Ima dying and watever. Ima not happy but Ima not unhappy instead. Ima just depressed – major depressed. I have no feelingz or emotionz. Itz just me now – just trying to live one day at a time – trying being the word here…

Itz pretty hard to be happy. All my friendz have left – Ive got no one – nothing seemz to interest me – and I have money issuez.

I just cant be happy with all that issuez that I have atmz.

Sadness is in every part of my life – I cant get away from it ever – every time I try I fail – depression is basically the cause of all this – itz taking a toll on me and I cant live like this anymore – I need to get help and help now.

Im insane – not happy – just insane.

Itz confusing – I am a totally different person from when I first started this goal. However I really think I may have real depression now that started about a month ago.

I dont think I can ever be happy with this depression of mine because itz affectz the little thingz you want to enjoy but you just cant enjoy anything or anyone. You just feel empty and lonely. You just cant feel anything – feel love or pleasure..

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