Beat my depression

I feel like Im losing control of myself and I cant get control back. At the moment my thoughts are racing and I cant stop it. At the moment Ive got this painful feeling in my chest that I cant let go. I just want to be in control and get my emotions back under control, but at the moment I cant. Emotional pain is the worst cause u cant escape. I cant escape from what I am today. I cant accept myself, I cant accept my emotions. I just want it all to stop, I just want myself to stop. I visted a friend yesterday and they said that some people that I work with are worried about me cause I get super highs and super lows, and that I need to control myself again. I just cant control myself, I just cant control anything… I just want it all to stop… Im starting to wanna drink alchol to just escape some of it now and I wanna try drugs like estasy and weed cause I just want to try everything once but itz against my morales but at the moment I dont have any morales. I cant think straight and I just dont care anymore… I am losing control…

This Love This Hate by Hollywood Undead

In a time of need
Only few can see what’s wrong
Millions end up wrong
But only those who choose can make it through this all
Only few can sing like lions
‘Cause we sing until were gone
And we’ve got each others backs
Until we’re back where we belong
A woman held my shield
And through the battles we did wrong
A man would tell me wisdom through the static we were gone
And maybe when were gone they’ll look into the stars
Every starts got its ending
Even when we’ve learn to rise above it all

These lies are leading me astray
It’s too much for me to stay
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly
I see you so please stay strong
I’ll sing you one last song and then I’m gone
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly

And we once also had a story too
You can see that good men come in few
Even in our greatest moments
We may win or we may lose
Every songs got its rules
You’ve got to learn to make it through
Maybe one day we can choose
How it feels to be a woman or a man
Without rules we’re buried underneath
There’s a picture glued
So when my body burns in ashes only sing the truth
Let these words strengthen all your views
Because these words were meant for you

These lies are leading me astray
It’s too much for me to stay
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly
I see you so please stay strong
I’ll sing you one last song and then I’m gone
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly

And now I’m floatin’ right above my coffin as it closes
I look down and I see Sai
As she’s cryin on my mama’s shoulder
I look up into the sky as the gates of Heaven open
Somethings wrong is this destiny or am I going home
What will happen to my soul
Will I come back I don’t know
Will you meet me when it’s over, let me know
You can meet me here in Heaven
Don’t you ever let me go
This love, this hate
Is burning me away

These lies are leading me astray
It’s too much for me to stay
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly
I see you so please stay strong
I’ll sing you one last song and then I’m gone
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly
These lies are leading me astray
It’s too much for me to stay
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly
I see you so please stay strong
I’ll sing you one last song and then I’m gone
I don’t wanna live this destiny
It goes on endlessly

This love, this hate
It’s burning me away
This love, this hate
Is burning me away

Im confident within myself and at work but when Im around people my confidence goes out the window. When Im around people all I want to do is sit in a cournor quietly watching and listening with no one noticing me. I think thatz why I retreat to my room everytime Im not at work, cause Im by myself and my confidence is up.
For example, I have noticed it alot tonight because of where I am and who I am with, Im terrified about cooking for people cause of the critism that I got when I was little, Im not confident with driving with people cause of the critism that I alwayz get. I love cooking for myself because I dont get people staring at me and I know what Im doing where if Im cooking for people or helping people I just get uncertain with what Im doing, like Im afraid that Im doing something wrong and itz like my head is all mushy and all I want to do is get out of there. Also with driving Im confident when Im by myself but when Im with people my head goes all mushy and Im just afriad that Im doing something wrong… Thatz why I hate driving with people and hate cooking for and with people… It, I have relaised tonight, that itz a big problem for me cause itz affecting me and everyone around me.
Im going to make an appointment with the mental heatlh team at the hospital to hopefully see if they can help me cause I dont think that I can get out of it by myself…

Ive done 30min of swimming 500m today and walked for an hr with my 2 dogz. Im wanting to do stuff more cause Im just depressed and keeping myself busy is the best thing to do… Im going to do water aerobicz with a friend when I get a chance a couple of timez a weekn so that will be good. Be more social and get out there more, give myself motivation!

Chained among roses

Dead skin trapped among their thorns

They move like butterfly wings

Each time I breath

Blood stains the bed sheets

Waiting to be washed away

Watch my pain bloom

As we taste like dirt

Ive been on a rollarcoaster ride for a long time now… 3 months ago I was the happiest that I have ever been ever and now Im just in the dumpz again… Ive increased my antidepressant medication and Im hoping to get the courage to see the mental health Pshychologist sometime in the near future. I know that I need to go back to them but I dont know… Grrrr…

I just have a crappy life where everyone just treats me like crap and where everyone just excludes me. Just basically a crappy life where I am never going to be happy cause everytime I try it just getz shot down in front of me like fate wants me to be depressed and unhappy for the rest of my life. Just a crappy life where everything in my life is just crappy. Screw trying to fight, screw just actually trying at all. I have tried and tried but yeh just blows up in my face. Last night I self harmed myself for the first time in like over 8 months, and my mother saw it and she freaked and got crappy at me and all that. At that time I just wanted to leave and never come back to anywhere. Just wanted to dig a hole and climb in and just stay there never to see the light, never to see anything execpt for darkness. I cant do this and I cant handle it. Soon I will fully lose it and blow up since I am already losing my mind and since I am already screwed up and not caring about anything at all in life. I just feel like I dont want to eat or drink or do anything. I just dont want to do anything in this crappy life of mine.

People who are not worth it doesnt deserve my time – it helpz if I keep saying that – I am deleting all the ppl who doesnt deserve my time – out of my life – they are making me have the depression…

I just had my first appointment with my help from Guidelight today. I have to see the doctor about increasing medications first before we, that is to say myself and my help, go further. There are two things that my help said, Sadness and enjoyment. I have to get rid of the sadness with the help of medicaion before I can truely enjoy things in life. She made sense. She also said to me that I have to write a daily diary of how I am doing and wat I do during the day, like behaviors food activities moods ect. Also I have to think of the 10 most significant things in my life. I have to send that too her before our next appointment so she can see what is getting me down. Hopefully this will help me.
I need to see light at the end of the tunnel. I need to see something that is worth it. I just want to get out of here – I just dont want to feel like this anymore – it is going to kill me one of these dayz…

DepNet.com.au is a depression community that ppl with depression trying to help other ppl with depression. Ima not really thinking. Ima watching greys anatomy atmz and have been watching it all day.
Ima feeling empty and hollow today. Like I cant concertrate or think. I feel like Ima drugged up to the point where Ima just staring into space. Like nothing matterz to me. I dont want to talk or see anyone for the reason that I might have outbursts and that I have been hurt and let down by everyone I know. I want to be alone for the reason that I dont want to get hurt again and again. I expect too much and I just expect anything at all which is not good so therefore I dont expect anything at all from anyone. Work is my life and thatz all…. I have no energy to sit up or do anything… I just want to sleep and never wake up…