Beat my depression

People who are not worth it doesnt deserve my time – it helpz if I keep saying that – I am deleting all the ppl who doesnt deserve my time – out of my life – they are making me have the depression…

I just had my first appointment with my help from Guidelight today. I have to see the doctor about increasing medications first before we, that is to say myself and my help, go further. There are two things that my help said, Sadness and enjoyment. I have to get rid of the sadness with the help of medicaion before I can truely enjoy things in life. She made sense. She also said to me that I have to write a daily diary of how I am doing and wat I do during the day, like behaviors food activities moods ect. Also I have to think of the 10 most significant things in my life. I have to send that too her before our next appointment so she can see what is getting me down. Hopefully this will help me.
I need to see light at the end of the tunnel. I need to see something that is worth it. I just want to get out of here – I just dont want to feel like this anymore – it is going to kill me one of these dayz…

DepNet.com.au is a depression community that ppl with depression trying to help other ppl with depression. Ima not really thinking. Ima watching greys anatomy atmz and have been watching it all day.
Ima feeling empty and hollow today. Like I cant concertrate or think. I feel like Ima drugged up to the point where Ima just staring into space. Like nothing matterz to me. I dont want to talk or see anyone for the reason that I might have outbursts and that I have been hurt and let down by everyone I know. I want to be alone for the reason that I dont want to get hurt again and again. I expect too much and I just expect anything at all which is not good so therefore I dont expect anything at all from anyone. Work is my life and thatz all…. I have no energy to sit up or do anything… I just want to sleep and never wake up…

Ima still cutting here and there. I dont know if anyone noticed but maybe they did – who knowz. I just like seeing myself bleed. I like blood. Itz addictive and I dont want to stop. Therez no reason to stop. Therez no reason to do anything. Ima will still be taking antidepressants and Ill make an appointment with a therepist that I could talk to soonish. Work is worried about me cause I told a few ppl how Ima feeling and word got around work, and a work boss thatz like the mother of the place came up to me and asked me about my emotional health and also if she could recomemend a therepist to me so I could get help. I accepted it. Ill get help cause I know that I need it. I cant help myself now cause itz too late so Ill give help a chance and go for it. I just dont want to live anymore and really Ima just trying to live one day at time. Ima hazy these dayz. I never know wat day it is, I never know wat I did yesterday, I just cant think or concertrate. Ima not looking at the past or the future, Ima just living in the present.

I have got over 10 cutz on my wrist – 4 linez on my wrist. Last night I got the surgical blade and sliced it on my wrist. The blade is very sharp but I did it anyway. I wanted to bleed. I wanted to feel pain other then the feeling that I get. Deep painful heavyness. Ima not going to look for help anymore. Ima going to ask the doctor to up the dose for the antidepressant but thatz all. I cant be bothered.

Ima far from beyond help now. I cant do this anymore. I cant face anyone anymore. Everyone is wasting there time on me. Ima shutting everyone out that I know. Ima just so stupid for talking about my problemz to everyone. Just so stupid. Why me? What am I doing to get myself screwed. I dont want to live. Ima just losing control more and more each day and I cant help myself anymore. Ima taking medication but they r not helping and I cant talk to any professionalz cause I wont talk .

The heavy feeling in my chest of loneiness and being alone. The heavy painful feeling in my chest that I lost everyone in my life, that Ive got no one. I wish this heavy painful feelingz in my chest will go away. I wish everything can go away. I wish I could go away… Heavy painful feeling in my chest is crushing me into the ground, into a deep dark hole where I cant escape from. I cant escape this heavy painful feeling in my chest… I cant escape life…

All in all on how Ima feeling is that I dont care anymore. I dont care if I have cancer or a terminal illness that I would of only have dayz or weekz or even yrz to live. Because everyone diez eventually. I dont care if I die sooner rather then later – Life doesnt matter. Ima just flowing through life one day at a time just looking through a window where the side that Ima on is darkness and is still and lifeless, and the side where life is light with treez and ppl moving forward and looking towardz the future. There is a chance that I might have cervical cancer – or something wrong with me that doeznt worry me at all. I dont want to see the doctorz anymore cause they make me feel like Ima wasting there time – like I should know watz going on and all that but really I have no idea. I feel really small and helpless when they talk to me like Ima stupid. Everytime I go to work Ima happier – but everytime work finishez I dread having to go cause I know wat to expect. If I could I would work 24 7 and stay there untill I die. Ima an assisstant nurse at a nursing home and I love it. When everyone comez in who livez there they pass away at some point – end of life care. I think thatz why Ima accepting death and know that I will die – I see no point in doing anything cause when u die all that u did doeznt matter. Ur just a ghost. I would rather die sooner rather then later.

Ah Ima getting to the point where everytime someone ignorez me and abandons me I have outbursts – I tell them wat I feel and that wat they r doin is making me want to put myself 6 feet underground – I lose control and I just tell them wat I think – abuse and get angry at them. I cant help it anymore cause I dont care anymore. Ima not hiding wat Ima feeling and everyone will know wat Ima feeling finally and wat they have done to me to make me the way I am today. I have abandoment and relationship issuez cause of wat everyone has done to me. The ppl on here at 43things is the only ppl I trust and that doesnt ignore me and actually listenz to me. Itz just I have someway of communicating wat Ima feeling and going through. This is good and ppl on here r really helpful. Thankz for listening and helping me. Itz good…

Ah hate being ignored and everyone just doez it to me anyway… Ima dying in this mind and body and I cant escape it… I cant escape the feeling… Everyone is killing me…