During the day, running up to daughter’s 30th birthday party
I’d variously been
- sat having breakfast in silk nightie & Catherine Kidson floral dressing gown,
- tried on pink nail varnish, which my daughter & her gf thought was very good fun, but
- decided against it and experimented with purple
- reminded myself that I was just fooling around since I only dress up at home and that meeting lots of new people and presenting as anything other than Male would be v uncomfortable, especially since I have no intent to ‘come out’, whatever my daughter’s enthusiasm for that…
- threw on a polo shirt & jeans to clean & tidy the house
- ended up putting on what I viewed as a very unimaginative black shirt & (only available pair of) green chinos to go.
In the real, casual world (business is fine) I’m really losing my sense of what I want my personal style to be.
Not feminine, even though I spend so much time en femme at home, but what???
...just around the house, but I love it. It feels delicious – inside AND out! :-)
A great thread here, which I contributed to, but since I’m a guy that’s what I need to work at being good at. Hmmmm. Damnit.
...with my (adult) daughter and her gf in bed upstairs.
Well, it amuses me. Reminds me of the feminity of others that I feel I’ve missed out on in life.
I have no desire to go out like this…
It’s a protest, maybe…
But a curious protest in that I dressed the same yesterday morning when my present gf was here.
I’ve been feeling cautious towards her, and holding back from a physical relationship over the last 2 weeks.
She tends to be very forthright and aggressive, almost, with her kissing, which just doesn’t feel right to me. And so I’m avoiding other physical intimacy because I don’t want to lead her on when there’s this basic uncertainty in me.
I really like her as a friend, but I have to distinguish, I think, between that friendship and the partner I hope for.
And who would she be like?
- melissa messenger-esque
- more intellectually engaged in the commercial and systems world that I live in?
- or in the arts & music world?
- or simply more like this totally intangible unexplainable feminine icon that I have floating in my head… (and hinted at by my tutu-wearing, pink toenailed breakfast trip…)
M is working like mad at her fitness regime, and I admire her for it, but…
But what? At the end of it all, I’m not falling at her feet at her basic beauty…
Damn, how base can I be?
Over the last week, I’ve been experimenting with ‘Inner feminity, outer male’... in no particular order…
- pink glittering toenails since last Tuesday
- silky camisole (bought 2)
- bought 5 high leg control pants, various colours,
- 2 pairs pink floral pyjamas,
- pink floral night shirt and halterneck silk nightie
- wandering around the house making breakfast for my friend M in a tutu
- trip to cinema and elsewhere in camisole, panties, pink toenails and pearl necklace all hiding under jeans, jumper and shoes. Lol
...so, I’ve been dared to be out for the night as Santa Baby next weekend… Co-ordinating shrug, stockings, heels, petticoat, gloves, bag, pearls planned for this. Make up and wig included, I’m still pretty sceptical about how close I’m gonna get! We’ll see, lol…
I probably am mad, but you only live once…
...with a skirt. Just hoping that no-one else gets excited about them!
In a reply to a recent experience of Jestess’s, I talked about how I feel about being dressed up around the house when I get time to myself – and I’ve enjoyed slouching around this morning in the 50’s polka dot dress in that post.
I’ve been thinking and reflecting about what I would like to have achieved over the next 6 or 7 years, and it’s been lovely.
My daughter’s coming over with her gf in an hour or two, and I find myself regretting that I need to change back into ‘male mode’.
It’s not that I’ve got a problem with being open and honest with my daughter or her gf – we have a very open, honest, enjoyable friendship – but I havn’t worked out at all what dressing as I do when I’m on says to me about me, still less to one of the most important people in my life.
And since my best guess is that (as I said in my comment to Jestess) it’s about grieving for the absence of the woman (whoever that is) that I really wish were sharing this house and my life with me, then…
I really don’t want to get into rubbing that grief into my daughter’s face, so to speak.
Looks like I’d better go get a shave and a bath and get dressed ‘properly’!
As I realise more and more firmly that dressing up has been a grief-filled compensation for not being able to pursue a new romantic relationship while I’ve been sorting out divorce, finances, work, somewhere to live and several other big issues…
But I’m working my way back to committing myself to effort to getting fit again, being smarter and more engaged again in social life, and taking the opportunity of moving to a new area to meet new people and make new friends.
So, my personal style is going to be wavering back to masculine-biased.
I’ve tried to capture the guts of my feelings here.