Learn more about myself

I do know however, that I am not going to waste anymore time driving myself insane and stacking up more tens of thousands of dollars in student loans. I am not a lazy person (well maybe when it comes to cleaning the house). I love to learn and I love to be around people who are not setting out to be one more dispensable drone in this bureaucratic workforce.

I realize more and more that being in a long term/serious relationship is just about the hardest thing to do. And you would think that love would be enough to keep two people together; but unfortunately it’s not. I am also realizing what I want out of our relationship; what I need.

I want someone who is more than just a boyfriend. Someone to confide in, someone who knows me inside and out. Someone who is willing to forgive my mistakes. Someone who trusts me. Someone who I can grow with. Someone who won’t hold me back from accomplishing my goals. Someone who is secure in themself and their place in my life. Someone who is giving. Someone who is strong enough to handle my sometimes erratic personality. Someone who cares for me without smothering me.

He’s not perfect. But he loves me. Almost desperately; like the way I love him. It hurts, the way I feel. Love is scary and painful and complicated. But it’s such a fucking beautiful thing. I love him an a way that leaves me almost physically ill. He drives me insane. And I am slowly doing the same to him.

I am the kind of person who isn’t satisfied just being happy. I want to bleed and hurt and cry. I don’t want happiness just dumped in my lap. I want to feel like I’ve earned it. If a person hasn’t suffered, they don’t deserve love.

This is the first job where I am looking forward to taking on more responsibilities and moving up from the nightmare that is “entry-level”. Even from the beginning I have been asking my boss if I can take on added tasks so that I can learn and progress in this position and any other position that follows here. I don’t mean to sound bitter, but when I found out that another co-worker (who is also a friend) had been given the task of assisting in accounting work; I was a bit disappointed. I’d really like to put all these menial and mundane tasks on the back burner and start doing some real work. But I told myself “Just be patient. Pay your dues and do your job. PATIENCE”.

God is telling me to be patient. But my work ethic is telling me to push harder for what I want and do whatever needs to be done to get to where I’d like to be. Maybe I can do both. Being patient doesn’t necessarily mean you have to let opportunity pass you by. I think what I need to do is not PUSH, but WAIT until an opportunity arises and then go for it.

I am not a positive or negative person, I believe in viewing situations realistically. And I would assume if I think realistically, that means I am also a LOGICAL thinker. Wrong! I view things realistically, but I don’t always make logical decisions because I think more with my HEART and less with my HEAD.