Beat my depression

I just looked at my goals on my account. I see some things as possible, but others….....the opposite of possible. What in the world compelled me to believe they were possible in the first place? Hopefully this nagging pessimism will pass but…..I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything about anything.

Graduation next year, classes screwed up next year to take something I have no desire and a choice to take. I hate how I can just give up like this in my mind, that nothing I wanted to do will ever be accomplished. I am sick of that feeling. My head is telling me it’s simply reality, but my god damn heart will not listen. I can’t accept such a bland future. And there is the thought that if I do get what I want, I will not be satisfied, or I will not like it. I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.

I’m sad. I’m worthless.

The positives of this week are as follows; normal sleeping patterns, possible music project, next week (I know it doesn’t count as this week, but still…) I am working as an extra for another movie!

The BAD news (which heavily outweighs the good news)
-J. over Spring Break is with somebody, so…..fuck. Oh well, it’s not like I’d have the courage to ask her out even, plainly speaking I hardly ‘know’ know her!
-My cousin seems to be destroying a relationship for no f&@$ing good reason, and being a real b@&$!, and I feel so bad for my little second cousin and her husband (ex?).
-I feel withdrawn and unable to converse with others…..yet again.

A couple of days ago I felt wretched while walking home and thought about killing myself. About that….I feel wretched and selfish. Now I’m feeling wretched about being selfish. I have no real good reason or prompt for killing myself, but the very thought of it makes me shiver.

Sometimes I love myself.

Sometimes I hate myself.

I was doing good for so long, that I had almost convinced myself I had gotten better. But today that seems to be a daydream. I feel useless and pointless. I have no purpose.

I feel like such a waste, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I attempted everything I am passionate today, being fruitless in every attempt.

A story won’t flow from my pen, a song won’t come to fingers and voice, everything I draw I want to shoot, reading makes my head hurt. I feel impaired and pathetic, wallowing in all this pain, the pain of nothing.

Why am I here on earth?
Why should I remain?

I have no hope.

There is nothing. It’s draining and it’s repetitive. I try hard to find the humor in every aspect of life, but my smiles feel fake, forced. Emptiness fills my life, flooding it with a dull and stupid hope that there will be more, there will always be more. I regret to inform you that self-destructive thoughts have been creeping back into my fragile mind. I am weak, mind, body and soul, with barely anything to hold onto. I have trouble conveying my distress to you…sorry…

Death can turn the tides very quickly as I found out the morning after Christmas.

:( x a billio=Me.

I beat it. Kicked it’s ass! Oh god, I feel so light, such a burden lifted! You want to know how I did it? I honestly can’t tell you! All I know is that on Christmas Day, at approximately 12:45, I just knew, I knew that I’d won!

Ha ha ha ha ha! In your fucking face depression, I am stronger than you.

I can’t believe it, it’s like I have invented time travel or cured cancer, it’s such a serene feeling, it’s like reaching an epiphany.

I wonder if it was Christ I have to thank, I mean, I got over it on Christmas Day, today! Maybe my mother’s Christmas present was granted by Santa; her son’s happiness in full bloom!

Who truly cares, because it’s gone, it’s gone, I’m free and it’s so rewarding!

I hope this lasts.

EDIT:

Death can turn the tides very quickly as I found out the morning after Christmas.

There is nothing.

I am drifting.

Apparently I’ll go to hell, will I go to hell? If I am not baptized, will I be damned? And also what about 2012. If it’s true, I’ll have wasted 16 years of my life. Not that I’m too sure about that happening, but still it’s something to think about. I envy Draco, (not about having sex!), but because he was COMPLETELY free from depression for a while. I envy that happiness he was able to have despite being horribly depressed. Days are dragging on for me and I am reflecting on my life, something that is not healthy for me. Very emotional for some reason. Religion, science and other grand theories and lies are floating through my stupid little head. I feel so selfish, like I am rotting inside, it’s so disturbing. I need something, because everything else just slips through my fingers. I feel so isolated. Nothing is easy and nothingness chokes me.

Fuck.

P. S. Sorry for the lack of optimism, I just feel confused and sad, so sad…

It’s back. I haven’t slept for two days. Damn you insomnia, damn you! I am not able to function well like this and I feel exhausted. Before I was at least napping at odd parts in the day, but now….it’s bad, it’s real bad again. I seem to be okay to others at the moment, even my parents! Maybe there is hope I’ll become an
A-list actor! I am not okay and the lack of time to relax is taken up by those damn rehearsals and martial arts practices. What’s left is taken up by my Grad Transitions (for those of you who do not know it is a useless crap load of work you need to advance to the next grade as well as graduate. This was implemented by the Canadian government, assholes), which I still need four hours of work experience for, a whole bunch of homework, tests to study for on Friday, projects to do and…...........DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMNIT! I am tired, and this is just the frustration part. I’m wanting to disappear more now, and I am nearing the mind set of ‘it’s all hopeless’ and the mindset of ‘I’m a goddamn waste of life.’ right now though, I’m just empty, empty and purposeless.

Don’t tell me my purpose is related to God, because as an angry little ugly fucking ungrateful emo kid, I am weary of God, my faith waning, and I am very skeptical of religion. But pay no mind to little old me if you believe in god, for I envy you, oh how I envy you. To be able to put your faith out there, blind as a bat and not expecting any proof, it’s beautiful in it’s own way, but I just feel miserable. I hate me. Once I sleep though, everything makes sense, so I may be different then in my view of the world, god and life.

I am so tired, I just want to sleep, please, PLEASE; I just want to SLEEP!

I just failed my L. I had not much enthusiasm for it and the thought of some immeasurably shitty day making me suicidal while behind the wheel didn’t really help me. Soooooo I put it off since I was busy as well, from September the Ninth to today. Now my weekend is ruined when I hoped I would be able to relax and try and meditate. Taking it again on Monday, and I think I just used my failure as an excuse to get angry. Listened to some ‘angry’ music, drew angry art, wrote angry lyrics, and sang like a drugged up rock star. Nothing is going my way. My being pressed for time has pushed me to the edge, my grades are falling, my relationships still haven’t improved and I feel like a child, angry for no reason. I am beginning to hate the play I’m in, it’s balmy smiles screaming “Look at us, we are fucking happy!” Why did I even audition for this stupid play. Did I think I’d make friends? Someone from a film company offer me a film role? Damnit to hell, what was I thinking? I don’t even like the play! Sigh…......rant ended.