I hope so much that I don’t mess up a relationship. The guilt I would have would probably make my guilt of not getting into a relationship pale in comparison. I am kind of conflicted in my self image. I feel like I am a good person, and I know that I am nice to almost everybody (and yes, all the girls), but then I think of myself as someone so ignorant and inexperienced, that I have trouble believing that I could keep a relationship good. But that is probably because I look up to the musicians I would like to be, and all their excellent lyrics are about, pardon my French, fucking up somewhere along the road of life. I admire them for this because even the worst things about life, they can make sound poetic, romantic, engaging, and beautiful. I find myself so wrapped up in this that I am in fear of losing any of my fragile social ties. I don’t want to leave anyone behind in my life, and even though I didn’t know them well, if they leave, I never will. That’s why I am trying to make myself dedicated to being less selfish and trying to make my relationships the best they can be.Because if I don’t, I will lose them and there is a certain pain about hurting the most beautiful people, on both the outside and the inside, that makes guilt almost unbearable. So far however, all I have to deal with is loneliness and angst, which makes me feel like all my heartfelt emotions are nothing more than a category of chemicals in my brain. That I feel, robs the life out of life.
Sorry about the long posts.
I just rant so much when I post here.
It seems one of the few places where I can just let my opinions and emotions spill out.
Perhaps I am just some angsty teenager. Hell, I hope not!!!