post really, really, really short stories.

We wrote “Soop” on a can of sardines that was on the shelf of a grocery store called “Meredith’s Inconveniently Located Convenience Store” (Which was situated on a cliff, half off the edge) and we watched in amazement as a cunfuzzled looking old man with a robin egg blue coat opened up the stiff metal tab, produce a package of crackers and a little bowl and a spork as we watched him enjoy his soup of ice cold sardines and crackers. Meredith meanwhile was coughing from yet another dull cigarette that she was simultaneously smudging in an even duller ashtray.

Greg, thought it was funny, Scott thought it a compelling social behavior that he should catalog right away, and I was hungry for pizza.

So I left and ordered pizza and ate it. It was good pizza.

Mr. Salmon was a bitter fish, and after life as a deprived little fish, he shot and killed the robot president President A-NuProgram Blinking in the summer of 2024. And to this day we have Doritos.

“If you decide to go through with this Carl, he’ll most surely kill you. Mangle you, and in a horrible fashion that is sure to be exquisitely painful!”

“Thanks for the moral support!” said Carl. A bunny with big muscles and a potty mouth will not make fool of him, Carl thought. So, with expert precision, he threw the teacup at the muscular bunnies nose.

It wasn’t even dented, and the fact that piercing hot tea and a teacup to the face didn’t affect the muscular bunny in any way didn’t really help. His friend Danny, the chimpanzee was no help either.

“Carl, he’s going to murder you, cut off your arms and feed them to you. He’s going to beat you over the head with your own appendages, back down! You have no hopes of winning. Carl you come over here this minute. You couldn’t punch through a paper bag, so just run while you still have the chance!”

We played hangman in groups of 3 or 4, usually on a Saturday because we could get an Icecream from the Icecream truck that came around our street. The man’s terrified eyes started to twitch as we hung our young frankenstein, and spelled out “The less we knew the more we learned.”

Farmer Wilbur Cattlesocks had a big fat chubby pig named Charloo which he brought to the County Fair every year. Every year he got bigger. On the seventh year, Farmer Wilbur Cattlesocks couldn’t bring Charloo to the County Fair, he was too fat. However, with the help of several cranes, the County was able to have it’s prize winning boar. However, to sabotage Farmer Wilbur from winning, Farmer Peter Toastface fed Charloo anabolic steroids. And so, he swelled to such a size that he became stuck in the barn and they couldn’t ge him out. And there he still remains till this day, always winning ‘Prize Pig Blue Ribbon’ every year, and he is never late to the County Fair anymore.

Little Mikey was a misbehaved boy. He played hockey and thought he was tough, shoving toilet paper rolls up the sleeves of his shirt and admiring himself in the mirror. Not only was he a conceited little brat, but he also was a so called prankster.

He delighted in placing thumbtacks on his math teachers’ chair, and enjoying the reaction. He wouldn’t be sorted out of the crowd. When this happened, everyone fell out of their seats, rolling around upon the floor, laughing.

Mr. Jones was no fool however, and nor was he your average teacher. He handled problems differently then other teachers.

And so Monday, after a long weekend, Little Mickey comes in, treading mud over the floor until he sits down, only to scream from the thumbtack protruding from his bottom.

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Oh the execution? It’s going fine! We are giving all our participants blue ribbons to show our pride and appreciation for their bravery! However this years participants are very fidgety. I suppose that they are just nervous of course, but some of them get the shakes real bad, which is silly to behave that way. Coffee, three o’clock? Oh I’d love to! Oh I’ll be right there, the last execution is up and….Wow! That one was a doozy! Okay, I’m coming!

I remember the factory

The packaging

The store

The family that bought me

Their bad taste in clothes

The party guests

The drunk fool that bent me out of shape

And currently I am in the dump, talking to a rotting banana peel and a crumpled piece of tissue paper.

One day it was raining.

It wasn’t raining too much, but enough to make a puddle.

I was in a rush.

I stepped in the puddle.

It was also a pothole.

So I tripped and fell.

And now my foot is wet.

Skyscraper Todd, with his head in the clouds
Had friends who were all chimneys and birds
He never knew what was going on down town
But meanwhile in other places he was feeling sky high

And with a smile on his face, the sun shining down
Came an alabaster carriage with no coachman in sight
The horses were reckless but still they ground to a halt
And then a voice said “In the name of King Iodan…

You will be chopped down, you have overgrown
And overstayed your welcome far too long
So come with a relinquishing heart this Tuesday
For you will be no more