I feel heavily guilty for what has befallen my sister. I practically introduced her to the “party life” while still a newcomer to it myself, and I fear my influence of wanting to have reckless and stupid fun is a terrible one upon my sister. My influence on her as a whole I worry about, as no faith in Christianity and God is what I choose to believe, but because me and my sister are close and good friends, I fear that even though I may disregard the consequences of my own actions, I tend to become concerned when I realize it may be my fault that others suffer the consequences when the fault lies within me. I must confess that I do not want to be a responsible “role model”, especially not while still practically a kid myself. I have enjoyed the party culture and the late blooming of my social life, and the threat of it being taken away has made me act out even more in pathetic rebellious self-therapy kind of ways. I feel terrible that, though I know I am a damn good kid and son, mostly responsible, trustworthy and honest, I keep certain secrets from you two (my parents), in a sort of wordless sibling pact. I lied that I had only been drunk once, when I have in fact been drunk many times in my grad year. I respect my dad for being understanding of my youthful “outburst”(s), and his concerns, and that is what is so torturous, as I am far too god damn honest, something I wish I wasn’t. I have a heavy conscience and a very strong moral code, something which my fleeting joys during “partying” attempt to dismantle for the sake of memories, fun, and an escapist’s release from my circumstances. I realize that such material ways of getting happiness aren’t going to last or necessarily be rewarding, I just love the intimacy, connection and carelessness of such events, something that is addicting to an introvert attempting to reject his nature. More about this later Mom and Dad, and I hope that this letter offers some sort of justification for the secrets I hold and the lies I’ve told.
Dead7and_Dreaming has written 8 entries about this goal
I must begin by admitting some rather embarrassing things, at least for me. I have never gone on a date ever before in my entire short life, I am terribly shy and I am not always good with words, especially ones that are not written. You and I both love music, writing and all other kinds of art jazz and have similar tastes. I wish there was the romantic in me that could straight forward ask you out, make off like a bandit with you in his arms, but in reality I think he is the shy, nice, brooding and thoughtful type, despite my desperate wishes. I like you a lot and for the first real time in my life, there are butterflies in my stomach. That is not necessarily new, but these butterflies feel like they have been on cocaine or crack I think. It is good this is anonymous and you’ll most likely never read this, because though I have done some things I never thought possible for myself in these last two years, I still feel vulnerable in this field. There are an infinite number of ifs in my mind all the time, and none of them will ever get answered unless I take the initiative. I hate being so “sensitive” and I laugh at myself but also pity myself, which is a terrible habit. In theory, this not only a letter to you, but a letter to me in this present moment to not let you slip away and hopefully get to know you better. But I would be lying to every fiber of my soul if I said I wanted to just be your friend.
This is a letter I would love to send. Really, I wish I could. But if I did, people may become concerned. It would almost be like a threat letter I’d say, except I’m just angry.
Firs off, your f@$
ing class. English has been fine with me in past years, but over the course of this year it is my displeasure to say that I've found every class holding the boredom and annoyance to make me want to kill myself! The class in itself is completely pointless, and now just non-useful boredom is not enouh for you. No, you must make every f$$ing minute of that class a living hell!
You need almost no justification to lecture in your self-satisfactory way to an individual how ‘inconsiderate’ they are, or anything.
I hate you as a teacher, and as a person.
I’ve only really hated three people personally in my life and…...CONGRATS, you made number one!
I sympathize with most all other teachers if other students are annoying them, but you…..I cheer them on!
You are batshit crazy don’t deny that! You have been suicidal and I know it’s an awful thing to say, but I really could not care if she jumped.
Everything about her makes my skin crawl, the putrid humor that she shows when no one is laughing. I can’t even describe the loathing I feel towards you.
I’ve always been a nice person, accepting of others, and I rarely have any desire to hurt or hate anyone, but you! You give every possible reason for me to justify this letter! Now I’m going to end it now, before too much profanity ensues from me!
At least I won’t have you as a teacher next year.
Thanks for all the help with math homework. I appreciate you making the effort to help me out with my endless tirade of questions!
I am in awe of your compassion and your belief in God. Unlike so many others, I think you grasp the positives of Christianity and Judaism and what not to complete an extremely humble portrait of forgiveness and humility!
P.S. By the way, your music and lyrics are amazing!
I had to force myself to say ‘dear’. I need to tell you how you are such an obnoxious, annoying, ignorant, racist, sexist, stupid person. I have had quite a couple of ‘shameful’ daydreams, in which I’ve punched you in the face.
Too bad they were just daydreams!
I know you got out of a bad relationship and all, and I’m happy you’re in a better one, but must you really brag about “Mr. Perfect” so much? I’ve stomached it every art class, and maybe it’s just cause I’m a guy, or perhaps maybe I’m even jealous, but it is getting old. So please, limit your adorations. (Or maybe I could just wear earphones?)
Dead7and_Dreaming has gotten 9 cheers on this goal.
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