heal my heart

One thing can lead to too many others on the internet.

A couple nights ago, I ended up reading about Brianna Lopez. If you are a parent, I would suggest you think 4 times before even considering googling her name (if you don’t already know who this is).

I cried after reading this story. I couldn’t sleep a wink the first night. After Lady M woke up and I spent some time with her, I felt a little better, but the images in my head have not left. The picture from her autopsy, the images I made up from the words I read; they are stuck. I want so badly to save her even though she’s already gone. My god…...it’s just so horrible, and I can’t understand how her family could have done these things to her.

I’m having a very difficult time within myself. I have never had a reaction like this to something I read about.

I don’t know how to…..not be depressed right now.

is in pieces.

My relationship with J has not been easy.

Putting ourselves back together as individuals and as a couple was tricky, heartbreaking, wonderful, scary, new, familiar…lots of things.

I do not hold a grudge with him for what he did. I am not angry with him for not wanting this child in the beginning. But he struggles with this fact…that he did not want his soon to be daughter.

He just sent me this poem…which I was so touched by, I couldn’t even respond to him:

my child my meadow my sea

i didn’t make a mistake
by giving birth to you inside myself…
before you were only hers
your mother’s
now i carry you in my womb
as well
now you live in my sea

i fill you
with every good thing i’ve ever felt or seen
i fill you with wind clouds animals rivers mountains yellow petals by the thousands
color color color i pour heart after heart after heart after heart into you
my unborn sea my unborn child

all my prayers are carved in rocks in stones in the hearts of the sky
asking gods and beggars prostitutes and wise hermits
for you to be born with ten fingers ten toes a healthy heart

your mother and i have found a meadow
a place of peace
a place where we let down our blood letting
our blood shedding instruments

we found that meadow in you
my love
my child
my unfathomable
sea

Last week, J and I went to the beach at the cape.
Afterwards we decided to take a bath together. The bath I wanted to use wouldn’t fill up. he wanted me to come upstairs to the other one.

That one was small, and dirty. Kitties don’t like small, dirty baths…. he tried to wash it before we got in. He could see the anxious look on my face. then we got in and it was so small we were like sardines…..more anxious facial expressions.

He didn’t get annoyed. He just commented “you’re really just an anxious little girl sometimes….I used to think you were just a little mean. but, it’s ok. i understand you now. you’re an anxious kitten.”

He sat behind me and started soaping my back. i was still uncomfortable and noticing the things floating in the water.
But he just kept telling me it’s ok.

i turned around so we were facing each other with our knees bent and I came as close to him as I could and leaned forward and put my arms around him.

Then…he put his hand on my back and started….petting me…slowly….and I just started sobbing. even now trying to write about this, I’m crying. His hand was so warm. and I felt so…protected and comforted, but without the fear that it would be taken away soon, or that I would be caught being loved, or that something tragic would follow. I have never felt comfort or love without impending danger…ever. My mother did this to me. I could never be loved fully and accepted for who I am by her. I could never feel safe with anyone in my life. my own mother has been a danger to me. but, i felt, at that moment in the bathtub, that I was loved unconditionally.

For the first time in my now 30 years I am feeling safe and unconditional love. I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t even tell him why I was crying. I just sat there holding him and crying while he kept stroking my back, telling me “you’re ok”.

my god….I never felt anything so spectacular.

It took me a while to be able to write this entry. even now, I’m crying my eyes out over this.

I feel like my heart has some bird shit on it.

Been stressed this week. I’m also feeling very couped up. J and I are going upstate for the weekend to his parents house (they won’t be there). It’s going to be so nice to get out of the city. i need it. we’re going to take his parents dog out to the woods and I’m going to make him doggy treats. perhaps we’ll see batman. I just can’t wait to get the hell out of town.

This one breaks my heart as much as the other one I posted.

“Soon We’ll Be Found”

Come along it is the break of day
Surely now, you’ll have some things to say
It’s not the time for telling tales on me

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of hurt
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
Don’t Turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

Well it’s been rough but we’ll be just fine
Work it out yeah we’ll survive
You mustn’t let a few bad times dictate

So come along, it wont be long
‘Til we return happy
Shut your eyes, there are no lies
In this world we call sleep
Let’s desert this day of work
Tomorrow we’ll be free

Let’s not fight I’m tired can’t we just sleep tonight
Don’t turn away it’s just there’s nothing left here to say
Turn around I know we’re lost but soon we’ll be found

The past few days have been overwhelming and full of change.

Blossoming here….dead ends there.

With J, reconnection and discovery and…joy.
With my sister. anger, sadness…death. I feel duped for letting her back in. She’s like the trojan horse sent by mother. I know she will get what she deserves. what she did is waaaaaay too long and complicated of a story. She is dead to me now. it is all officially, forever and permanently over with her, my mother and my brother.

I should never feel guilty about doing what’s best for me. I let her make me feel bad and I let her take advantage of me.

It’s always a disaster when I doubt my feelings and instincts.

I have to accept that I was duped and move on with all of the wonderful things in my life. I am so blessed and so loved and so full of love for the people in my life that I know are good and who I want to be there.

I will devote the rest of my life to the things I know are important and I will make sure that my loved ones know they are loved and appreciated by me.

For today….I will see a silly movie…because I need to laugh….and by some miracle…I will have someone sitting next to me to laugh with.

J….contacted me yesterday…and was civil. I met him in the park last night. between last night and this afternoon he apologized for almost everything he did to hurt me….without me having to tell him each thing I needed an apology for…...and told me he wants to be a father to our child. and wants to be with me throughout the process I am in now…and wants to be there when I give birth.

I don’t really have a succinct way of putting any of this.

When we spoke for the first time in a calm manner we discovered some major misunderstandings that took place and caused a domino effect of horrible, hurtful shit.

That’s really all I can say right now.

sometimes….things seem clear…...and then you look a little closer and the picture becomes a blur.