quit drinking

December 31st. A time to reflect. A time to make plans for the future. A time to think about your goals in life and what’s preventing you from achieving them. I feel good about today and am really glad that I have pinpointed the single most negative thing in my life and have made plans to get rid of it. Alcohol has controlled me for way too long. I’m ready to kick it (and all the other things that result from it) right out the door.

2009 – this is gonna be a great year!

Will check in a bit later!

Anna

Well, it’s time for a new year again. A new year with fresh choices and decisions.

I’ve spent several days now reflecting on 2008. As far as drinking goes, overall I failed miserably. I’m still drinking way too much, making a fool out of myself, waking up hungover more times than not, etc. However, I looked back at my journal, and I do see little spurts of sobriety and happiness. A lot of people who have overcome this problem have said that it’s normal to be on a cycle of suceeding and failing before you finally reach the point that you are ready to suceed permanently. Could I be at that point?

I am at an age now where I really have to start watching my health. And I’m just too old to be hanging out with drunks at the bar, drunk dialing people and embarrassing myself, etc.

I’m going to get up off the ground and start focusing on this goal AGAIN. I have to. Here goes to Day One.

Good to be back :-)

Anna

Hi all, just dropping a line to say that so far I’ve kept up with my plan, meaning that I haven’t contacted the ex or had any drinks. I’m meeting a friend out for a bit after work at an Italian restaurant, so tonight will be a challenge not to drink, but I’m gonna do my best.

I got super depressed last night before going to bed for some reason, and I really wanted a drink to numb things, but I didn’t give in. I know quitting drinking does not make you suddenly happy, and I know it will take some time. One day at a time.

I will check in later. Sorry to seem so blah. I will get there. I just know it.

Anna

Well, no contact with the ex, and no drinks yesterday. I woke up today feeling pretty good. It was a good feeling to mark off “day 1” on my calendar. I have to be strong and not talk to him so I don’t go downhill and want to pour myself a drink. Not drinking is the only way I can deal with this hurt.

On another note, I’m a technical writer by day, but I occasionally bartend at a pub down the street whenever they need me. A lot of people would immediately think that wasn’t a good idea for someone who is trying to quit drinking, but it’s actually good for me. It gives me a chance to see drunk people from a sober perspective and really see the negative sides of it.

They called me to work last night, and I went.

There’s a regular who comes in quite frequently with her mother, and she’s been going through some rough times for about a year now. Well unfortunately, like me, she medicates her pain with alcohol. Apparently the night before last, she got so drunk that she urinated in her pants, passed out in the bathroom, and had to have someone drive her home and get her into the house. All the bartenders and wait staff at the pub were talking about it and laughing when I got to work last night. I had to walk away because I felt so bad for the woman. They were using words like “pathetic,” “lush,” etc. Gosh how mean. This woman needs some help, and I feel really bad for her. I’m not sure if she’s gonna have the nerve to come into the bar for a while, but the next time I see her, I’m going to be super nice to her and try to give her my support. Why? Because that could easily be me if I continue on the path I’m on.

I have some other stories from last night too, but I may save those for later.

Anna

Well it’s been several weeks since I’ve posted. Things have not been good for me for the last 11 weeks (going through a long, dragged out breakup), and I’ve been self medicating with alcohol a lot. I’ve been eating very unhealthy, not exercising, and just basically feeling like crap about everything.

So I talked to the soon-to-be ex last night on the phone, and when we hung up after arguing the whole time, something came over me that told me that this WAS IT. I’ve had enough letting this man run my life and affect my health. I can’t blame him directly for my alcohol abuse these last fews weeks, because he certainly didn’t force me to drink anything. But I know that bad things and unhealthy relationships trigger my drinking. That’s why I need to simply walk away and not communicate with him anymore.

I made a list of all the things about him that are not good for me (alcohol is one of the top reasons), and I also put a big DAY 1 on the wall to start the clock, so to speak. I’m ready to get my life back.

I am planning to start being a regular poster here again, because it has helped me tremendously in the past. I need this support.

Thanks for listening everyone. I will check in soon.

Anna

Well I am proud to say that I’ve had yet another sober day. I can’t say that I didn’t crave alcohol, though. Earlier, I got a bit stressed out at work, and I found myself getting really angry about the Texas man situation. It lasted for a little while, and boy did I want a drink to calm down. Fortunately I had the strength to resist the urge and thought about how bad I want to wake up in the morning feeling good. I’ve also gotten in a routine lately of walking the dogs at night, and I know I won’t do that if I drink. I wouldn’t be able to stand the disappointed look in their little eyes if I denied them that.

I’m only on Day 4, so I’m not nearly past this, but I sure do feel a million times better than I have in a while. I’m eating good and exercising. Oh, and I’m also being very productive at work. I’m never productive when I’m hungover. Boy have I fooled them so many times into thinking I was working when I was really surfing the Web, too cloudy-headed to even think about writing online help (yes, I’m a tech writer).

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support, and I apologize if I don’t respond to your posts more often. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite giving advice when I can’t seem to take it myself.

Have a great sober night everyone!

Anna

I also had the urge to drink earlier, but I kept thinking how bad I wanted to walk the dogs in the brisk fall air, and how I knew I would never do it if I had a buzz. Instead I cooked a nice healthy meal and did some things around the house. Now I’m getting ready to crawl in bed with the dogs and go to sleep.

I know that sounds boring, but I am SOOOOO excited to be saying that instead of “well first I went and had several beers with my friends, then I got the munchies and drove to some pizza place and picked up a huge greasy pizza, then I drove home drunk (eating pizza as I’m driving), then I text messaged the guy in Texas who just told me he has a girlfriend and called him a jerk, then I passed out, then I woke up hungover and wondered what the heck happened…..” You get the idea.

I am happy to say that I am alcohol free today, and it feels darn good!

Well I’m only on Day 2 (and believe me this is not the first Day 2 I’ve ever had), and I feel good. I just took a three-mile walk with the dogs in the brisk fall air. I feel great, and I’m loving it. You know? Being sober, clear-headed, and in control is much better than any alcohol buzz I’ve ever had. I actually thought of stopping for a beer or two after work, and then I remembered how many other nights I had done the same, but of course having many more than two. But I kept going, and now I know I’m gonna wake up feeling great in the morning. I already prepped my coffee, and I’m excited about getting a good night’s sleep, not waking up trying to piece together the night before, feeling ill knowing I drove home.

Well, as you can tell, I’m really happy to be here sober right now, and I truly hope I can continue to have many more. Thanks for all your kind words, everyone.

ALCOHOL IS EVIL!

Anna

I know one of the main reasons I drink is to fill a void in my life. I have a good job, good friends, wonderful family, great pets, a very realistic dream to have a mini-farm in a next few years, etc, but something’s definitely missing. Most people would think my life is pretty fulfilled, and it is to a certain extent. But I’m lonely, and I desperately want some companionship. When you’re lonely, it seems like everyone you run into is happily married with kids. It’s hard to imagine that you’re not the only one sitting at home in the evenings wishing you had a prospect for a date. When 5pm rolls around, I dread sitting at home. I dread the realization that I have no one to call, no one to have dinner with, no one to make plans with.

Alcohol has become my “buddy” over the past few years. It has filled that lonely void in many ways. I mean, 5pm rolls around, and I do have someone to hang out with! Alcohol! And of course all my drinking buddies at the bar down the street. I do have some friends that don’t drink, but over time I’ve labeled them as kinda boring because of that. That’s certainly not fair to them.

I’m gonna concentrate on how to fill the void with something other than alcohol. I can’t assume that I will meet anyone any time soon, so I can’t depend on that. I will have to put some serious thought into this.

Anna

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m going to start again, because I’m not doing so good, and I need this support network.

About 3.5 weeks ago, things were doing OK. I was still drinking, but I was doing better and going to therapy about alcohol abuse. I was starting to read books about the dangers of alcohol and the beauty of sobriety. Then something happened, and everything started going downhill.

I’ve had a non-committed long-distance relationship with the same man for 2.5 years. WE fly back and forth about every 3 or 4 months to visit each other. I knew he would eventually meet somewhere where he lives, and then our relationship would have to come to an end. Well, he did. Unfortunately, though, he didn’t tell me and still scheduled a flight to come visit on October 23rd. One night, I was drinking, and text messaged him asking if he had a girlfriend. To my shock, he responded YES but that she was OK with him continuing to see me just like before.

For 3.5 weeks now, I’ve been hurt, angry, and filled with jealousy. I’ve been drinking just about every night. It has completely gotten out of control, and as I sit here this morning, I know that I absolutely MUST stop this insanity and get back on track.

Negative things that happen in my life tend to trigger heavy drinking. I spent two years getting over a divorce drinking heavily too.

So, I know that I absolutely have to cut contact with this guy, not allow him to come visit, and STOP DRINKING. I’m so tired of feeling like this. I just turned 40, and I’m determine to get my life back together and enjoy this decade (and the ones after that).

My therapist gave me an assignment to research the physical effects of alcohol. I am planning to do some research on the Web, but if anyone has any advice about where to find some good information, please let me know. I want to see pictures of diseased livers and things like that. I want to scare myself out of drinking.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post. I’m pretty desperate today, and I needed to vent.