From July until November 2nd 2007, I was a mother. My child had hit the 26 week gestation mark…but wasn’t able to stay with us. I had a stillbirth.
It has only been a week, I’m missing her like crazy…I miss her movements in my belly, knowing she was always there with me. I was never alone with her keeping me company. I was someone’s home, Bean’s home. Bean was her knick-name, because she resembled one in her ultrasounds at 11 weeks. I miss lying with Nathan at night, watching my belly for her kicks, turns and pokes. She was our little “Feisty Bean”.
The devastation hasn’t gotten lighter, it’s just changing shapes as time goes on. Time doesn’t “heal” wounds, it just blurs them so they fade a bit. They are still always going to be there. I was so sure that I was on my way to having a happy family, Nathan and I love each other so much and we really, really wanted Anniliese. We miss our daughter..
Coming home from the hospital with empty arms was like closing my fists around razor-wire. Not only are my arms feeling empty, but my spirit and heart are too. How will I get used to the thought of never having my first child?
I guess there’s nothing to do but wait and hope for a healthy and complete pregnancy the next time. Now that I am considered “high risk” I will be monitored much more closely and frequently than I was before. I wish and hope with everything inside me that this next one lives, and that they will have siblings.
