But I feel like I just can’t keep up with it anymore. I’m constantly depressed and exhausted from work. I’ve toyed constantly with the idea of ending everything for awhile now. I feel like I need help, but no one else sees that because I’m so introverted and otherwise I have all these great things going for me (new car, fabulous new haircut, etc). The world seems to be at my fingertips, but it’s not.
My job has worn me out so bad that I don’t get out of bed until less than an hour before my shift, and when I come home (usually late, because I’ll cover another shift. I’m just so nice) I just go right back to bed. I have black circles under my eyes and I feel nothing but annoyance at every person I see. But I don’t want to. I want to love and smile and feel happy but I just don’t.
Today was my first day off in what feels like forever and I got woken up fifteen minutes into the first shift and they got mad and hung up when I said, “Please, no… I need this.” I spent all day crying because I’m just lonely and tired and worn out and I just can’t even think anymore.
I know I have a car now and can look for a new job but I just feel so dead inside. I’m comfortable at my job, this stressful job that schedules me for 19 hours a week and then constantly calls me in until I work 43. I can’t go through the job finding process again, I’m too tired and look how long it took for this one…
I want to beg for holidays but I know people will just call and text me constantly to come in for them. Why do you get a life? A schedule? I can’t build any sort of schedule around the way my hours jump around.
Nothing helps. I’m just frustrated and I feel like I’m headed nowhere. I’m too exhausted to update this goal anymore. I’m almost too exhausted to even keep goals. The thought of having new things to strive for almost makes me want to never get out of bed again.
I’m just too tired.