Be a kick-ass super fox – I AM FABULOUS!

Heal your personal history – healing your negative patterns is crucial to your wellbeing. Let go of your past.

One of the hardest things I find is to forgive myself for the past. I am trying so hard to work on things, to forge a way forward, to change and to grow. But I feel this sense occasionally of anger at myself, for letting things be like this. For being overweight, of for being a smoker, for being single etc. And that’s actually not helpful, because then I get caught up in the feeling that I am not doing this to change and improve, but simply to be ‘normal’. And that’s not what I want.

I don’t want to beat myself about anything, because to be honest, the choices I made were okay. I did what I could with the resources I had. I’ve never hurt anyone, the only person I’ve ever hurt is myself, through not planning and drifting a bit.

It’s okay, it really is.

I know this is a wee bit arrogant, but the thing is, I do want to work on my self-esteem, and to realise my fabulousness, and so I think it’s okay to record the good stuff to remember.

The first one was yesterday – I was having coffee with a very good friend, and I was complimenting a mutual friend of ours, saying how lovely he was, just such a nice and wonderful person he was to know. My friend turned to me, and said casually (i.e. not making a big deal of it, but just sounding honest), “but you know, you’re exactly the same as him, you’re so lovely and gracious, you’re the female version of him”. It almost brought a tear to the eye to be honest, because I was so flattered and it made me feel really valued. She’s a really lovely friend, but her words seemed to come from the heart, and it just warmed me right through. It was a compliment, but such a generous and thoughtful one – I often don’t think much of myself, to be honest, so getting this kind of affirmation really bolstered me.

Secondly, today I was managing a very difficult meeting with a young person who was going to have to be taken into care, and I thought it was going badly, but I kept going and didn’t let it go. Afterwards, my two colleagues and the court official told me that I had handled it magnificently, and should feel really proud of myself. That was nice too, to get confirmation that I do something very well, and that it’s a skill that not everyone has. Especially as I don’t have to do this particular thing, it’s entirely voluntary (and hard work).

So there you go, I just wanted to record these two things, because so often I shrug off praise and forget the nice things that people say. My goal this year is to really build my self-esteem and confidence as much as possible.

I have to write about this because it was/is the sweetest memory, and I must remember this whenever I question my role in the world.

I walked into to work this morning a bit late – I had a course at 9.30, and I had been away for the second half of last week for my birthday. I was a bit tired, a bit crotchety, but just a typical Monday morning. Anyway, I put on a big smile and went into my office (I’m trying to be cheerful at all times…;-) )

I took off my coat, and I could just see that something was up with my desk. My desk was smothered – and I mean smothered – with balloons, ribbons, streamers, posters etc. It had been decorated up to the nines with about thirty massive balloons bobbing around, and every bit of my desk and surrounding bits were decorated with glitter and tat saying ‘congratulations’ and little balloons etc. My keyboard, my monitor, my phone, my stapler, my punch, drawers – everything was covered. There were photos of me pinned up, and there was just so much detail. There were cards and presents (from every member of the admin staff – woo hoo!), and it was the best surprise ever! Almost cried, to be honest. I felt so cherished and loved by my colleagues, and it was such an amazing amount of fuss. I feel really privileged by this. I had had a few cards and presents last week, and very grateful I was indeed for them, but this fuss just blew me away.

My colleague D had apparently blown up every single balloon himself – they were hilarious, most of them penned in, but a few were bobbing around making a bid for freedom. I can’t tell you how much they enchanted me.

A few people had commented on how popular I must be, and to be honest, I did get this warm sensation of the fuss that people had made. It was nice. And at my appraisal later my line manager had remarked how popular and well-liked I was, and how it was a pleasure working with me. I know, I know, this seems awfully arrogant of me, but I just want to record how delighted I was at this – it was lovely! (Better than Tosser X, who couldn’t even be arsed to say ‘happy birthday’ for the third year running – I’m an idiot).

I’m not sure that this is the right term. It doesn’t feel quite right, but it’s the closest I can get. Anyway, I thought a lot about it when I was away – why does my life seem so hard, so much of a struggle? I was talking to my parents when I was at home, and talking to my mother about her background. I realised as an adult, that she came from an incredibly incredibly poor background. Not just poor, one of the poorest I have ever heard. I tend to not give her credit for escaping this, and I never give myself credit for moving away from that either. I just assume I should be like my peers, and have achieved so much.

But I had absolutely no help from my parents, and never will have. No financial help, no help with what is ‘normal’ in a weird way – or normal for my peers. I grew up without a phone, a car, a fridge, a bathroom, an indoor toilet even. No holidays, no new clothes (all second-hand), no nothing. I am absolutely not bitter about any of this, I am incredibly proud of my parents who brought me up with love and with good values. I never even think about this, I never use my background, or refer to the poverty. But I never give myself credit for how far I’ve come either. I feel frustrated by the fact that I haven’t achieved what others have done, and never recognise that I had to do everything from scratch. It was a good lesson to remember – that my mother grew up in a shed in the mountains, where they cooked on the fire and that was normal. Where her mother lost an arm in a traffic accident and it wasn’t seen as such a big deal, she had no help and not much sympathy. And this isn’t that long ago, and it was in the UK.

So I’m kind of thinking about all this, and trying to recognise how far we’ve come, and not berate myself for not having bought a house or had children, or done the ‘conventional’ stuff.

The thing about these goals are that they are nebulous and hard to pin down. I think that I’m doing really well by thinking about this, and working out what’s going on. I am glad that I’m remembering where I’ve come from. Since the death of my brother, I tend to not think about my past, I just accept it as totally normal. And it was fabulous and loving, but god it was poor. I used to say occasionally to people that I come from the poorest background that I know, but that sounds like hyperbole, and that irritates me, so I never use it. I’m well-educated, well-spoken, well-dressed. But yeah, I grew up in the UK without a bathroom or indoor toilet, without any of the perks that everyone I know takes for granted.

This entry should also count towards my ‘be authentic’ goal.

Yesterday I got really upset during the day, and it reminded me so much of the characteristic that I want to tackle; I don’t know if self-pity is the right word. It doesn’t seem right in some ways, as in it’s intensely private, and I wouldn’t share these feelings with anyone, so it’s not a behaviour that I use to ‘get’ something from anyone else, because it doesn’t actually achieve anything.

It’s more like – I get overwhelmed with where I am, and the feelings of loneliness and feeling let down. I feel like I give a lot to different people, and sometimes I don’t get it back. I know the reason for this is because I am single and a bit isolated from really close family/friends – so everyone expects someone else to be organising something for me, and no one really does.

So anyway, I get these feelings of being let down, and yet…it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s a kind of lack maybe. It’s like the episode of Sex and the City where no one comes for Carrie’s birthday at the restaurant, and she goes home miserable and alone. It’s no one’s fault, they all have perfectly fine excuses, but there is no one person there to make sure that doesn’t happen. I know it’s trite to compare myself to a TV series, but that’s what I felt yesterday, just a lot of little let downs made me feel this great ball of hurt. But I can’t blame anyone, because obviously individually it’s not a big deal. But it made me feel so hurt and then so sorry for myself (self-pity).

So I worked on it. I’m not there yet, because I sometimes feel superfluous, like I’m not important to anyone. I know that’s not true – when I had my accident, there was so much attention and love from loads of people. But it was kind of as if they were expecting me to have someone special in my life to be the main supporting person, and I just don’t. So there’s a bit of a gap. I’m not explaining it well. But I feel better writing this, because it’s helping me to realise that I DID address this head on.

The pain that I felt isn’t about anyone, it’s about me. And you know what? How many of us feel like this – I bet quite a lot, to be honest. I am very blessed, I know that. I just feel so lonely a lot of the time, and I don’t quite know how to get around that. I’m not very good at sharing, I always think that my pain and angst isn’t actually that interesting, so I tend to shut up about it. That’s why one of my goals is to connect more. I’m trying so hard.

Anyway, I think I was really really brave and perceptive to realise what was going on yesterday, and to try consciously to do something about it. And today, I am going away from the weekend, and I have the best plans ever to spend time with my parents.

Just to précis the story a wee bit, the priest was stopped by the soldier who asked him three questions. The priest was so struck by the profundity of these questions, that he asked the soldier to come and work for him, and ask him these three questions every month.

Who are you?
I’m coming up to forty, and I want to take charge of my life, and to change things. I’m smart but I feel I have never quite lived up to my potential. I try hard but somehow I feel that I don’t quite achieve what I am capable of achieving. I’m funny, kind, thoughtful, easy-going, intellectual, fat, single and drifting a bit. For the first time in my life, I am comfortable, but I could easily stay in a rut for the next twenty years.

Where are you going?
I want to get the most out of my life. I want to strike a balance between the things that I have to do, and the things I want to do. I want to have a life worth living, that when I come to the end of it, I am happy with the choices that I made.

Why are you going there?
We are all going somewhere. I am not sure that I have marked the destination clearly – I have undertaken some things that I want to achieve. The most important to me is that I lose 80lbs this year. That is the most important goal, and I don’t care if it’s shallow or not. I have tried to be comfortable being fat, and it’s a political issue and an emotional and personal one. But I want to feel free, to feel brave and alive. And I think my excess weight is weighing me down, anchoring me to the ground instead of letting me soar free.

“If a criticism immediately makes you gulp with guilt, stop before taking any action. Think of the pain of guilt as being positive – it is there to help you. It is indicating that you might not be living in line with your own values (and you know that self-esteem suffers unless we do this). Don’t be overly apologetic or defensive, but acknowledge that you have that weakness”

Well, this is from today’s “Build your confidence day by day”. I think it’s okay, except I am pretty good at acknowledging my faults! Too good in fact. One thing about Person X that really gets me down is that he is astonishingly good at making me feel bad. He can make me feel awful about myself so easily, and then I fret. I want to be less vulnerable, because I think it’s not healthy. I KNOW it’s not healthy.

I feel like, if he criticises me, he will take away his approval, and I should do anything to avoid that. And yet, he has done some truly despicable things to me, and just never ever acknowledges them. It’s totally out of kilter. And his approval? Who am I kidding, to get his approval I have to tie myself in knots, never challenge him, never stick up for myself, never walk away. So today, I am going to practice smiling sweetly and saying nothing, and not reacting, not abnegating myself.

Okay, so where am I going with this? What I think I’m thinking is that, I am trying to address various things this year. I’m a good person, and although I’m not perfect, I don’t deliberately hurt other people or do bad things. So I am taking a pause whenever I hear criticism, and I am not going to feel guilty. I will evaluate calmly, and see if it is fair or not. If it is fair and is coming from a good place, then I will take it on board. But I know that Person X’s criticisms come from a very damaging place, and over the last couple of years have generally made me feel awful, and they don’t have my best interests at heart.

So basically, unresolved guilt, guilt without action, guilt without cause, is completely pointless. Quietly worrying or fretting about a criticism is a waste of time. Take it on board, consider it, take action as appropriate, forget about it!

“When you are beating yourself up about something, ask yourself if you would do the same to someone whom you love for the same offence. If the answer is ‘no’ (and it almost always is), ask yourself why you are practising double standards”

This is true. I am so harsh and horrible on myself, my inner monologue is so cruel – I am fat, disgusting, useless, a loser. It’s utterly monstrous, and I am embarrassed even to write that. But it’s true, I am so hard on myself, and see only my failures, not my successes. I focus on what I am not instead of what I am. It’s foolish really. If someone treated someone I loved like that, I would be incandescent with rage and fury, yet I take it meekly from me.

Okay, no more double standards. I am going to be aware of these little inner voices, and challenge them the next time I catch them out. I really am not that horrible – I care about people, I’m kind, reliable and non-judgemental. I hold the multitude of other people’s secrets, because people confide in me all the time. I try harder than anyone I know to do the right thing. I have principles and I have integrity.

This is going to be a long process, it’s not like I can snap my fingers, say ‘I’m fabulous’ and actually believe it. But I can try, I can chip away at self-doubt and double standards, I can challenge the little monsters, and I can see myself as someone to be loved and cherished, and hell, by myself at the very least!

Isn’t that an Ian Durie song? I think it is. One of the reasons for this goal was to be more optimistic and upbeat, and to see myself as lucky and blessed rather than not. I think it’s because of a book I read earlier this year, which said that people who saw themselves as lucky and happy generally were, people who saw themselves as unfulfilled and badly done by were generally dissatisfied and unhappy.

I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself sometimes. And I think sometimes – to be fair – this is not entirely unjustified. But I almost enjoy the pain of it, like when Person X is absolutely appalling to me, I can say ‘woe is me’, but I keep going back for more. I can’t explain this one that well, but I know it’s important to see myself as vital and right.

So today, here goes:

i). Although I have a cold, and that sucks on the holidays, I am really fortunate that I have a cold when I can wrap up warm, chill out and stay in for a few days before I have to go back to work. It’s actually really good timing, and will immunise me for the coming January.

ii). Person X hasn’t been in touch, which is really good. I want to move on from him, and it’s really lucky that I haven’t been put on edge by having to make a decision about whether to reply or not.

iii). I have done a lot today despite feeling so miserable, and each tiny baby step makes me feel happier and more confident.

Yeah, this is basically a self-esteem goal, but I wanted to give it a bit of zing…

I had an injury on my hand in December (more of that in a later resolution), and I passionately want to be stronger, happier and more engaged. I struggle with low self-esteem, and also I can feel these exquisite pangs of self-pity which I don’t like about myself. This is a terribly hard goal to pin down, because how do you measure it? However, I am going to try.

• No self-pity, no feelings of martyrdom – I am incredibly lucky and gifted: kick-ass super-vixen!
• Use every technique I have to become confident, strong, happy and fulfilled
• Living in the moment
• Realising that although I am looking at expanding my potential, I am absolutely fabulous as I am now
• No chasing after men – I am happy as I am