Well, the first one is that normally I keep a journal and I post separately, but what I’m doing here is that I am posting my journal entries in their entirety under the goals here – maybe it doesn’t seem that big a deal, but I am trying to be authentic, and not try and present a certain ‘face’ for other people (even random strangers) to read. I find it really hard to be honest about what is going on, I usually am just vague or non-committal. I think it’s because I fear that by opening up, I allow people to judge me. And I fear judgement because I think deep down that I’m a failure, and the more I show of myself, the more I reveal that I am someone to be judged harshly. Sigh.
Everything is so inter-linked, isn’t it? Low self-esteem goes along with fear of revealing who I really am. But I am working on this, I have the vaguest inkling that this goal of mine, authenticity, is somehow tremendously important.
The other way in which I’m being authentic is to share more details with my friends about things that are going on in my own life. It’s so hard to do this, but I have been sharing information more in conversations with friends these last couple of days, and I actually am enjoying it. Keeping up barriers and boundaries, always being hyper-vigilant and self-censoring, well, it’s exhausting to be honest.
I don’t want to be some weird freak who says the truth and nothing but the truth and hurts other people, but I do want to be authentic and have this core of steel, that I won’t adapt things to be more likeable. And actually, I think the most likeable people are those who are true to themselves, not those who care what other people think.
Just wanted to post about this. It’s definitely going to be a work in progress.
