In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer

I’m thinking so hard about resolutions for 2012 – what do I want to achieve? How can I express it? What does success look like? What am I doing because I think I should do it? What are the things that I genuinely want to do.

I find resolutions key – by writing it, I give it strength and power. I stick to resolutions. I revisit them over and over again. They are very meaningful to me. These few days before the rebirth of the year are very meaningful and almost spiritual to me. Everything is possible, I just have to name it and do it. I used to be so baffled that no one else felt like this. Now I realise that I am pretty much alone in my awe of the power of a new year, and the power of resolutions. So I play this game alone, but I love it. What do I want to achieve next year? What will guide me throughout the year? Put it in concrete terms, express it, understand it, write it, live it.

Whenever I see photos of myself with people, when I am not conscious of having my photo taken, I am always smiling. My dad was like that too, he just looked so happy in photos. I think I am super quick to smile, to be honest.

Small, pale, brave
Drooping head
the heart of a soldier.

Holding fast, hold true
in the cold.
My heart sings.

I’ll be celebrating this today. Enjoying the shortest, darkest day of the year, remembering that there are seeds for summer no matter what. Relishing my accomplishments, and thinking about where I will be at the next solstice, and the next winter solstice.

And I have to remember and KNOW that there is an invincible summer physically, and an invincible summer in me too. It’s all good, all okay. Without the snow, the cold and the ice, the summers and the light would not be as sweet.

I cannot add ‘new’ goals this morning, my individual weekly goals. All I can do is to add ‘existing’ goals that other people are already doing.

I know this is a glitch (probably!) but it made me realise one thing – if this is a new ‘improvement’ to the site, it would not work for me. I love the flexibility and individualism of being able to personalise goals and having my own.

Feeling deeply frustrated because each week I add my weekly goals, and now I have them and I can’t. I love this site, but I love the pesonalised, individual aspect.

I guess we’re close to being in the depths of winter. But I am having a summer inside me. I feel like all my work this year has strengthened me emotionally and physically. I feel changed, and it’s all been so amazing. I love how I’m trying things out, experimenting, playing. Small steps are making such massive differences. I love it!

I wanted to think about this today. I feel fear a lot of the time about myself, about the future, about what might happen. And I do know why to some extent – it’s my lack of family, my lack of a support network. I fear what would happen if the worse happened, where would I turn.

Now, being my own provider is okay. But it is dependent on my providing for myself. That’s okay. But I worry:

- what would happen if I lost my job
- what would happen if I was ill
- what would happen if I was homeless

I have a good job, I have saved a very healthy nest egg, I am losing loads of weight and feel capable and independent. But I have this inner anxiety about my inability to cope, and I want to realise that I AM providing for myself, that I am capable, that I do look after myself. This is not about self-pity, but more a feeling that I am a bit inadequate. And this is a stern talking to myself that I am actually doing rather well, that I am making great progress on my goals and that I will achieve what I want to achieve.

I’ve been writing here a lot, almost every day all year. And I feel that, taking all in all, I’ve made progress. It’s not been easy, but I feel like I’m sticking to lots of goals, and getting there. Writing it down has been hugely valuable, having specific goals very very important, and keeping at it.

It’s not really about major easy successes, is it? To me, my weight loss is fab, losing 108.5 lbs is awesome. But losing weight for 69 weeks is even more amazing, because that shows tenacity and endurance, which gives me confidence in doing this until I get to goal.

I feel like my resolutions for 2011 have guided me and focused me, and that if they were measurable, I’m nearly there with most of them. I think with anything to do with courage, endurance and perseverance, it’s not about that moment of doing something, but lots and lots of little moments.

The most inspirational person I ever knew was my brother when he was dying. He stuck to his guns to do it with grace, dignity and humour. How he did that month after month, I don’t know. But he did it.

All my goals are important and life changing to me. And it’s not about having a brilliant day, but sticking to it day after day, month after month.

I wanted to find out about generic painkillers, and went on the NHS website. According to that:

Paracetamol
Paracetamol is used to treat headaches and most non-nerve pains. Two tablets of paracetamol up to four times a day is a safe dose for adults. Side effects are not common and this dose can be taken regularly for long periods. Overdosing on paracetamol can cause serious side effects. If the pain is severe, do not increase the dose. If the pain lasts for more than three days, see your GP.

Anti-inflammatories
Ibuprofen, diclofenac and naproxen seem to work better when there is clear evidence of an inflammatory cause, for example arthritis or an injury. They should not be used for a long period unless you have inflammation. When taken for long periods there’s an increased risk of stomach upset, including bleeding, and kidney and heart problems. Don’t take more than the recommended dose as this will increase the risk of serious side effects.

Aspirin
Aspirin produces the same type of side effects as other anti-inflammatories, but is not as effective as a painkiller, which means it is not usually prescribed for pain. It is dangerous for children under 12.