Let go of the past

I have been reading a book about the art of letting go and it said “moving forward from the past allows more room for the future” It makes perfect sense. Sometimes when we focus on the past we feel suffocated- but moving forward allows for more space to breathe. Make sense to me.

Everyday is one step further away from the past and one step closer to the person I want to be.

I can let go of bad memories. The whole bad experience is over. And the chances of it happening again are o%. We have decided to go back to Beijing in a few weeks and replace the bad with the good. We will enjoy our selves and forget the whole thing happened. Hopefully. My kids are nervous- So Am I. But we have to do this I think to get over the past. It will be hard but I am hoping we will all feel a lot better. Crap happens- I can either sit and stew about it or move on and learn from it.

A few months ago my children and I were traveling to China to be w/ my husband who was working there. We were stopped in Beijing and my children were taken away from me. I was questioned and treated very poorly. After a few hours I was told that I was being deported. I flipped out and demanded my children. I was reminded that if I did not cooperate that I would be jailed. I screamed and demanded my children. I finally was taken to them. My 2 oldest children were visibly shaken and my 9 year old daughter was crying and covered in vomit. In the custody of border patrol we were escorted to a plane and flown to DC. We were abandoned. It all worked out eventually and 5 days later we returned to China and have been here ever since. But it has not been easy. I have nightmares about losing my kids and leaving them there. I have anxiety leaving my apartment and I even have some bitterness towards the people I see outside everyday. I realize that they are not the border patrol people from Beijing but I still feel uneasy. I was humiliated and insulted by the way we were treated. I was repeatedly asked how much money I had and I was yelled at like I was an international criminal. I need to shake this off and get over it. It is in the past. We did nothing wrong and it all worked out. But how can I get there? How can I let such a traumatic thing go? I have a lot of guilt and a lot of frustration like I want to blame someone or something. I am a mother. How could I just leave my children there like that? What if something happened to them?

I guess I need to focus on today. But all I can think about is how tired I am from being up all night thinking about this. I need to let it go and say goodbye to past events. How do I do this?

I have learned that I spend way to much time on trying to undo my past. Trying to prove to myself and others that I am a good person. But instead of actually trying to become better, I spend all my energy on “appearing” that I am better. Am I making sense? Life is passing by and I dont get to enjoy the moment that I am in because I focus on the past. Life is wonderful- I need to let things go and enjoy everyday.