memorize a poem

I’m still figuring this one out; it’s a continuation of the previous line in the poem.

I think it means that comparing myself doesn’t get me anywhere, because at the end of the day, whether I have decided that I am better than other people or that I’m worse off, I’m still going to be wrong. Change who I compare myself to and I will get a different answer every single time. How am I supposed to feel good about anything I decide regarding this when any answer is continually challenged? Plus, if I try to compare myself to any one person, I am going to be better than them at some things, but worse at others, and that doesn’t really get me to any conclusions at all.

But this is one I’m definitely still figuring out. A little while back I went to receive penance and I told the priest about my jealousy problem. It’s not really a problem for anyone but me, because I would never try to spite anyone I’m jealous of (in fact, I’m much nicer to them to try to compensate for my internal guilt – which makes me feel worse). He said it would help if I would try to focus on the things I do well. I’m not so sure what they are, because again, I’m comparing myself to what other people in the world do. So maybe I run fast, or I work hard or have accomplished high honors, but I can’t decide whether or not I really do these things well because I can only determine this when I compare myself to other people. Ummm…

This is too long so I will split the line into two entries (continued tomorrow).

I compare myself with others all the time. :p I think it’s a silly way to measure yourself; it doesn’t really work. Sometimes you’ll end up overestimating yourself (becoming vain) or underestimating yourself (becoming bitter). And there’s no way to decide which way you should really be estimating yourself, because your environment and the people you compare yourself to always change. But we don’t naturally know how else to measure ourselves, since we’ve grown up being shown that life should be a big competition against others. The richest people have the best things, the most attractive people can find partners most easily, the most intelligent people are the ones that we should look up to in society.

Okay…I will admit that I have been putting this off because I don’t know exactly what this line means to me. But getting my first two cheers on this goal at once is like a little poke in the ribs to keep going. :P

I can see the straightforward meaning, but the reason why I love this poem is that many lines are meaningful to me because I have personally learned these lessons myself.

Maybe this is a warning…to teach me something before I have to experience it the hard way. I think I already enjoy the quiet, so I don’t have to be told to avoid loud and aggressive persons.

But maybe it’s also a little nudge in the right direction, because I recently had been thinking that I had a duty to get along with everybody. And I still think I sort of do. Then again, I realize that if trouble isn’t yet at your doorstep, you shouldn’t go actively looking for it. I’m going to come across enough “vexations to the spirit” in my life anyway; I don’t need to make it my business to find any more.

Well, that entry turned out better than I thought. See, I could have saved myself a lot of worry about this topic…I might not have known the answer, but I didn’t have to worry about it too. And the next line, whenever I get to it, is something that I can easily understand so I can look forward to writing about it next time! (:

The first part of the line, “speak your truth quietly and clearly,” means to me (at this point in my life) that whatever I think and believe should be put forth in a way that doesn’t force others to bend to my desires, but instead will allow them to choose to believe/disbelieve me out of their own free will. But I must tell people what I think clearly, so that they may understand and so that nothing will be lost or overlooked.

I learned that I must listen to others today. I called my father and told him that I love him (even though he yelled at me today). Then I learned that although I thought he’s just crazy and angry all the time, he actually is a rational person and that there is a good reason for all he says and does, even if I don’t know or understand why. I see now that everyone has their story, and that everyone is worth listening to; they too have their truths.

I think this means to stand up for your beliefs, while maintaining harmony with everyone you meet. I’m a little lacking in the “standing up for myself” part. I tend to want to walk the middle road and try to reconcile opposing viewpoints in order to keep the peace. I don’t know, I’ve seen some people who are very opinionated get criticized for being so “overbearing” with their beliefs, and the same person be praised for being so “firm and resolute.”

I suppose it’s time I stood behind what I think is right, even if I’m afraid other people think I’m crazy.

Silence…sometimes, when I pray, it actually helps to stop the tape playing in my head of all the worries, all the stresses, all the concerns, all the things I need to do and have not yet done, all the things I’ve done and could have done better. I suppose when I have silence, I should appreciate it better. Most of the time, though, the tape interrupts. I’ve tried saving those thoughts for when I have nothing else to do, like when I’m waiting in line or waiting for a bus.

But to “go placidly amid the noise and haste”...I don’t think I understand how to be peaceful in myself when everything else is crazy. There is a quote that says, “peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” Perhaps the only way you can have this peace is to find God in all things…recent experiences have led me to search more for God in everything, as it is the truth…and I feel slightly better when I do.

What is the definition of peace, anyway? Says the dictionary:

inner contentment; serenity
unaffected by disturbance; calm and unruffled

I think I can try for that. With God in my life and all things, I don’t have to worry, even in high-stress situations.

“Desiderata” (Latin for “desired things”, plural of desideratum) is an inspirational prose poem about attaining happiness in life. It was first copyrighted in 1927 by Max Ehrmann.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desiderata) (I love Wikipedia.)

This is something and everything that I am searching for now, and cannot yet comprehend…I spent my life living the way other people told me to live it, and I am still living somewhat confined to a few of those social norms. I realized, though, that they weren’t making me happy. When everything else is taken away, when everything you live for eventually falls through, what are you left with, at the bottom of it all? I can’t live my life for other people, I can only live it for myself. And so I’m finding out what that is, when I never took the time to develop it in the first place.

Each day I will try to take a line from “Desiderata” and analyze it and internalize it, until I feel I can really, really make it a part of me. Then I will have memorized a poem…in the best way possible.