grieve

The person believed to have killed my uncle was arrested. Almost a year and a half later. They’re still trying to gather evidence against another person who helped to cover it up. The arrest isn’t bringing me any peace. It’s simply making me angry all over again.

The senseless ending of a man’s life… The cover up of it by those closest to him. Two little girls who have to grow up with out a father. My grandmother who is completely broken. These are the things I think of. Him being arrested doesn’t fix any of it… There isn’t even a feeling of closure. It’s just so senseless.

It’s been over a year since I lost my two family members. I don’t feel the overwhelming grief I did when I first added this goal. I’m able to say their name or bring up a memory that includes them without feeling like I’m going to break down. Still, I’ve left this goal on my list.

A part of me is afraid that if I mark it complete I’m forgetting them. I know that’s not the case. I don’t think of them as often, but there are things in my life that will always be a reminder. Their pictures hang on my walls. The influence their lives had on my life. The memories I have of them. Marking this goal and saying “Yes, I’ve grieved” isn’t going to make those things disappear. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish they were still here or that I’m ready to forget them and move on. It means I’m ready to remember who they were and to live my life always loving them, but with fondness and smiles instead of sorrow and tears.

So today, I’m taking that step. I’m marking this goal complete. They wouldn’t want me hanging on to guilt or grief and that’s all having this goal on my list is doing now.

I will miss them forever. They were taken from this world far too soon. I’m sad for the choice that Michelle made, but it was her’s to make. She couldn’t find a way out of her depression and I will always wish that she did, but I hope she’s at peace now. My uncle’s death was needless, whether an accident or purposefully done, and I hope that the killer is brought to justice soon, for his little girls and more importantly for my gramma who is still grieving her son and probably will be until the day she dies.

This goal has been the most difficult to mark complete… It doesn’t come with the sense of fulfillment or happiness that all my other goals have had. But I’m marking it done for them (and for myself).

RIP Michelle and Uncle L. <3

Because I knew you, I have been changed for good

Yesterday was the local memorial for my uncle. It’s a reason I haven’t been around much this weekend. A lot of out of town family and friends are in.

The memorial was… aggravating. My aunt (uncle’s sister) wanted it at her church. Her pastor/priest treated it more like church sermon than a time to remember my uncle. He basically came right out and said that my uncle didn’t go to heaven unless he had accepted Jesus (my uncle was not Christian or Catholic) and then went on to some spiel about Adolf Hitler and Al Capone being “sincere”. I would have gone with the word crazy, but that’s just me…

I did not feel any peace after the memorial. No closure. Just a guy standing up in front of the room pretending he knew my uncle and telling us the end of days were coming (the horrible economy being a sign) and everything would be better soon and deaths like my uncle’s won’t happen anymore. I find myself very angry over the whole thing… I live in the present not the future. My uncle is dead now. Killed for who knows what reason. I almost wish I hadn’t gone to the service, but I needed to be there for my gramma. It was so strange to see her crying. She’s always so strong. My mom says she’s been crying a lot more recently…

The family gathering we had afterwords was much more beneficial. We all went back to my parents’ house, reminisced for a little while and then played a few games of volley ball, which were hilarious. I felt it wash away all the aggravations that the formal memorial had created. These were the people my uncle loved. These were the people who knew him. The stories were real, the laughter and tears were real, the grieving was sincere.

This last year of loss has helped me become closer to my family. It’s helped me forget past hurts of them not understanding my mental illnesses and move forward. Laughing with my family is what makes me feel better. And it’s what my uncle would want. He was always laughing.

Life has become rather depressing recently. My sister’s boyfriend’s mom lost her battle with cancer last night/early this morning. I didn’t know her well at all (had only met her a few times), but my heart breaks for him and his family. Today is also the anniversary of boyfriend’s dad’s death. It’s also my dad’s birthday. My dad’s feeling rather depressed. Our boyfriends are really like his second set of kids and he’s feeling like his birthday is cursed…

Boyfriend was the same age as sister’s boyfriend when he lost his dad in a motorcycle accident. Same age and the same day in July…

It’s been one year today since Michelle died. This time last year boyfriend and I were having a blast at the Renaissance Festival. I went the whole day completely clueless about what had happened. It wasn’t until the next morning when boyfriend dropped me off at my parents’ house that I found out. I still remember walking into the kitchen and seeing the look on my gramma’s face and knowing, but not wanting to believe, what had happened.

I had almost called her that morning. Boyfriend and I had left for the festival at 7am… I still wonder if that phone call would have caught her in time. If it would have made a difference…

Today, boyfriend and I had the day off together so we took a ride up to Niagara on the Lake. It was a very hot motorcycle ride, but as we were driving up I was thinking about Michelle and I suddenly felt ok. I still miss her, but I remember how painful depression was and how horrible the suicidal episodes were. I thought of Michelle going through the same thing and then I realized, she’s not going through that anymore. Do I still wish that she hadn’t taken her own life? Of course, but she’s not hurting anymore. When people said that to me before it just felt like something people say to try to help… But today it felt true.

This afternoon I got a birthday package from Michelle’s partner. It was a picture of me, Michelle and my sisters on her wedding day (we were the flower girls). It was a picture that was always hanging in their house. It was nice to have that little piece of her.

Thank you to everyone who’s given me words of encouragement and sent birthday wishes. It’s helped make this birthday a little bit easier. <3

My birthday is this coming Thursday. This time last year, Michelle was in the hospital. She was getting ignored by doctors because it was 4th of July weekend and no one was able to see her until the 5th… On the 7th, my birthday, she was released. I thought it was a good sign. She called me to let me know the “good news” and to wish me a happy birthday. It was the last time I got to talk to her. I wish they had kept her. Maybe she would still be here today…

The year before that MJ’s memorial service was on my birthday. I know that seems like something that should be trivial when compared to the death of a loved one, but MJ was a huge part of my own struggles with depression and suicide. His death was the first “loss” I ever dealt with.

I’m not looking forward to Thursday. I just keep wondering what’s going to go wrong this year. I act like I’m excited when people say “Oh you have birthday coming up!” but it’s just another day. I’m working all evening, boyfriend’s working. We’re supposed to be going to Melting Pot for lunch, but a part of me doesn’t even want to do that…

It’s strange when grief hits you sometimes. This morning I woke up, reminded myself that Annie is a matinee performance today and not an evening one, and got very sad. Michelle and her partner always came to all of my musical endeavors and it wasn’t until this morning that I realized Michelle won’t be at any of the shows… Or any of the shows I do in the future.

At times I feel like I’m moving on from my grief and I feel guilty. Like I’m forgetting her. I feel like my mourning for my uncle was too quick. It’s not that him being gone isn’t painful, but I hadn’t seen him in years and had limited contact with him. Michelle I saw all the time and she was always there cheering us kids on.

I don’t feel much like performing today, but the show must go on, right? So this one is for Michelle. <3

My uncle’s thought to be suicide case is now a murder investigation… My parents and gramma expected this outcome, but to actually hear that it’s finally official with the police department… I have no words.

Today you would have been 50. All of your loved ones are gathering in California today to remember you. I can’t be there, but I’m remembering you today. Happy Birthday Uncle L.