stop binge-eating

I was doing OK with food until about the weekend, and bought tons of food, not knowing how much money I had on my food plan.

Well, it turns out that because of binge-eating, I only have $2.25 left, and I’m still going to be here another 10 days, so it’s not like I have someone to feed me while I’m here.

Naturally I spent most of my money on garbage, and that’s all gone, so now I can’t afford to eat. I don’t know how much money I have on my credit card if only to at least buy something to drink.

I think that this is a rude awakening for my self-destructive behavior.

I’ve been doing well lately, not eating near as much, but I kind of want to binge right now because I’m happy and want to celebrate with food…guess I’ll just be going to bed soon.

At least I can count on one hand the stuff I had today.
-Chicken wrap
-2 Slim Jims
-Combos
-Pizza rolls

That’s not really what I’d consider a binge. What do you guys think? I’m tapering off with the overeating a good deal.

Thursday- I didn’t binge, but I didn’t do great, either. I ate a lot of food on Thursday, but I didn’t eat in binge mode—- I didn’t eat one meal directly after another.

Friday- I think was my worst day, but the going didn’t get bad until later, and I still wouldn’t call it a binge, but I did overeat. I didn’t really realize how much I ate until Saturday when I woke up in crippling abdominal pain.

Saturday- I did OK until the evening, and then it went downhill from that point.

I did NOTHING over the weekend. I went nowhere because it was cold outside. Today, though, I haven’t done so bad. I’m back to how I usually feel, physically hungry but picky and not what I’d consider mentally hungry.

I’m glad I caught myself in time to stop bingeing.

I found a link to my overeating, and that was not only boredom, but also because what I prepared for Thursday evening was NOT good, so I tried to eat something I wanted.

An improvement is that I didn’t wipe out whole containers of food in one sitting and I still have some food left over. It’s good to see my tolerance for bingeing has tapered. Now I hope I can beat my record of 7 days.

I’m not going to lie to anyone here at all, but I suffer very poor body image. The effect that bingeing has on someone who suffers such poor self-esteem only makes me feel a little worse.

I obviously cannot handle these images of thin, sexy women being embraced by not only the media, but the general public which encourages it by buying into the sex it sells.

I am considering talking to a professional currently, because even though I stopped bingeing, I don’t want to eat because I’m scared of gaining weight, and I’m scared of buying food and being scrutinized.

Do I want to be thin for MYSELF, you ask? Yes, I do! I don’t think my sagging boobs, stretchmarks, and cellulite are remotely attractive, but I need to find balance. Before, I was eating too much; now I force myself at ONE MEAL a day.

The change is so significant I already lost 6 lbs, which is awesome, but if I don’t find balance, I’ll gain it back or make myself ill.

Last night, I was up all night studying, and started to feel very tired, which is often confused with hunger. I was halfway considering a visit to Mr. Vending Machine before I miraculously decided not to, and just go to bed.

I knew it must have been because I felt sleepy, because when I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel hungry and felt fine all day.

And then I had another brief moment where I just felt aggravated today. I’ve been working on my fitness at the gym ALL WEEK long, and I haven’t lost a pound in three days. I knew that by binge-eating, I wasn’t going to solve my aggravation, however.

That rejuvenated thin feeling I had about a week or so ago has diminished. I’ve led myself into disappointment into not losing a single ounce since then, I’ve disappointed myself in letting myself reach this point once again, but if I just resorted to my old addictions to ease my anger, I will be disappointed forever.

Nothing bothers me more than glimpsing myself in the mirror and see that everything is SAGGING, knowing I’m doing all I can to get rid of it, and it’s just there. I’m feeling insecure again. Help.

Well, tomorrow it will be day 5, and it’s getting easier, although I feel guilty for some reason. I haven’t been eating a lot at all; in fact, I’ve been eating less than I was expected to.

I’ve been so busy today that I didn’t get to eat until 11:00 tonight because I’ve been studying. After dinner, I still felt hungry, so I ate a few spoonfuls of cottage cheese, and counting calories, I had a little bit under 500 calories today.

I think I conditioned myself to think that eating at night is some kind of wrong, even if it’s a light snack, but my stomach was growling hysterically, so I felt like I had to eat something or I’d make myself sick.

I’ve gone days without food before, and for the first few days, it feels fine, but today I couldn’t help myself. I was in physical pain.

As an honest person, I’m going to post everything I ate in here:
Weight Watchers: chicken enchilada w/ rice (270 cals)
Low-fat string cheese (100 cals)
1 can Diet VAULT (5 cals)
1/2 cup cottage cheese (90 cals)
Total= 465 cals

I would consider this an accomplishment being an extremist, but I’m terrified of falling back into my bingeing ways. Nonetheless, I’m now immuned to the smell of fast food and tempting groceries, so I guess that’s an accomplishment. To be honest, I haven’t been paying so much mind to food lately.

In a way, I’m paring down to the essentials. I eat when I feel as though I need to, but no longer to fill a void in my life. For example, moving onto campus, I was so much more interested in food. Now I’ve become increasingly picky over time. I look at a lot of foods that made me salivate back when with indifference now.

I feel really hungry, which pretty much speaks for itself. It’s been another day without bingeing and sticking to my new healthier life style.

I am really hungry though. My stomach’s growling like crazy but I don’t even want anything. I went to the grocery store today to see if there was anything in specific I wanted and to make sure. Just to let you know, it wasn’t a binge in progress, but I figured that if I eat one thing I really want now, it’s probably better than waiting to eat it later and therefore eating it in larger quantities. I looked, and nothing stood out. I didn’t look at a single item and think “Ohhh I want that!”. Take it or leave it, I guess.

I don’t know if this is a side effect from relapsing to normalcy and withdrawal from an addiction, but I also feel depressed. It’s weird. A few hours ago, I was really happy and now I feel pissy. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and I started to panic because the break-up catalyzed this whole interval of bingeing and starvation. I feel scared. Within a few hours, I recovered emotions of grief and anger.

On a lighter note, I lost 4 lbs recently. I think that this is because of the sudden lifestyle change. Not only have I been eating better, but I’ve been exercising.

The first Friday night I didn’t spend sitting in my room stocking up on candy and pizza bagels?

In fact it is, and I feel AWESOME! But that’s only one half of the weekend I completed without stuffing my face. On the other hand, Saturday is always easier than Friday. I think the trigger to weekend binges is tradition.

When I lived with my parents at home, we used to go out every Friday and buy a lot of snacks because we used to rent movies frequently, so it was the household “movie night” pretty much. I went to college thinking that the circumstances were the same, and that it wouldn’t affect me until the association between binge-eating and socialization became too strong and it became a regular occurence.

Therefore the solution was to go somewhere (anywhere) tonight to keep my mind off of food. I went shopping tonight and walking down the food aisle to look at the items with such indifference felt so triumphant. The power of mind defying orders from a piece of food defeated this challenge. The feeling of having won against a conditioned weakness is supernatural.

I hope that I can keep this up, and best wishes and good luck to the rest of you as well. I hope that in remaining successful that I can set an example and inspire you to keep on trying.

While it’s too soon to say I’ve “snapped out of it” for good, today it’s like a got a part of my old lifestyle back. I didn’t binge at all for once. For once in a very long time I looked at some piece of food and asked myself “Is it worth it?”.

Of course not. No twenty minutes of gratification I’ve spent eating a bag of potato chips is worth feeling like a failure weighing myself or catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror or looking at all the skinny girls in skimpy outfits getting the attention you wish you had. Nothing tastes good enough to ever make insecurity and bitterness worth it.

Last night, it was as though I had an epiphany. Whilst wading through a forum I’ve frequented, some of the mean comments people made about overweight women upset me enough to make me start crying—-and it wasn’t only the harshness of the comments, it was the shame and guilt I felt from letting go of myself.

After feeling that pain, I threw away all the food in my dorm—some candy and chips—and planned starting all over again. Not only had I stopped binging, I went out and EXERCISED today. I feel hungry now, but what’s sad is that I’m welcoming this sort of discomfort because they’re symbolic for victory in a way. I’m conquering my weakness. (I stopped eating at 9 PM, and it’s been 4 hours.)

I would also like to thank you guys here on 43 things for encouraging me and not judging me as a fat lazy slob with no control over her life (hence why I felt reluctant as to join other forums and admit to my addiction). I hope tomorrow will be more like today.