find love

Leading with the heart got me this:

Tuesday morning I wake up the sound of the phone to hear from my girl…absent a week, she’s leaving me for the right reasons I guess, and I support what she needs to do. I can’t run the risk of her staying and regretting, so I help her go, but I still have to feel it. And I do, sitting naked in my hallway against a wall crying cause it hurts. I don’t regret it, any of it, but it still hurts.
Back in the saddle…

Well kids, I’m signing this off as done. It’s not the first time, and I am going to leave with a very simple statement: I’m doing it again and again. THat’s what love is. All the lasting decisions that make us who we are, are not singular choices: we make them over and over. So I love her now, and I will choose to let my heart lead over and over- falling each time- until it’s done.

Too much has happened and I am too drunk to tell, but it happened and I will let you know when I can…She is great though…

Took an amazing girl to the crosstown classic (Sox Vs Cubs) yesterday. Had a great time. Pretty girl, smart, funny, and I didn’t base the entire time on whether I was going to score. I amy sound like a jerk, but this time it was different, relaxed, and casual. I was still nervous cause of the whole smart and good looking thing, but I am most definately “on the ice.”

It seems as though I am on the right track. I am not as drunk, and I have not been out womanizing. I miss some of the girls I had around, but they don’t need me messing around in their lives. I met a new girl and I have a date -as opposed to a fling -this weekend. I am excited and optimistic. On the other side, I hung out with one of my ex girlfriends the other day (not the most recent -she still sucks) and we had a a good time. I didn’t even try to seduce her, so maybe I am on the way up…

So, we find ourselves embraced by winter’s most frigid of embraces, and on the day of St. Valentine. I should feel bad, but after last weekend, I can’t really care. When I say “love” I don’t mean sex. I mean love. Maybe a capital “L”. I don’t know. What I did decide after I had some time to sit and be quiet and everyone was either passed out or gone, was that I can’t do this anymore. For the last four years or so, it has just been one long vacation. One long party. Sex, booze, drugs, music and travel in one long string of adventures which I can’t regret, but which leave me empty. I am hollow. I think that I have done whatever it was that I was trying to do…but who can tell. I am hanging it up: no more Hobo Adventures from Secret American Night. Time to rest, get back in touch with God, and do some of the things on my list. I will be useless to the one I love if I am useless to myself….right?

Actually, that’s misleading.
Of late, I am feeling a ton better. Years and years of listening to arcane recordings of the blues have taught me that lonliness is universal and less than desireable. It was only recently though that I opened up about this to my friends on exactly what I was feeling, and while I am an old fashioned guy who doesn’t go for all that ‘feelings’ crap, it felt good. We didn’t cry or snuggle…in fact they made fun of me…but they listened and my talking helped me. So they helped by listening and don’t think of me as heartless (have been called the Tin Man). It’s all good. But what is best is that I have realized that I am not really lonely…I am just single, and that’s no biggie. So: head straight, standing on the ice, and smiling slightly…

...so anyway, I have been in a funk of late. Old wounds of past love. More than that, though, it has been frustrating as my life hasn’t been going the way I’d hoped (I know better than to levy expectations, but it’s easy to slip). So anyway, last few days I have been hanging around with some good people and I went to a party and I realized that my life is really not that bad, and being single isn’t a curse. I am on the ice (to reference my previous thoughts) and it is slick…I could fall at any time.
The clouds have cleared and the sun comes through bearing promise and no guarantee…

I’m thinking about what I wrote to someone else, trying to make them feel better and I started thinking about what I had said. Really: isn’t this the most pointless goal?
Don’t get me wrong, I love love, but you can’t find it anymore than you can fall into it. Love is like sickness: it’s not something you do, it’s something that happens. Slipping on the ice, if you will, is a phenomenon- not something you “do”. So now I wonder what we are atempting here. Of course, you need to be on the ice to fall, so we can help it along…

Sweet and broken.
I am still dealing with the anger monkeys that ‘she’ left behind, but nothing chases clouds away like fresh sun. Did the rebounding,a nd now I’m picking it up. I am not supposed to see it comming, and I don’t see anything comming, so I should be right about there…right?