I feel like I haven’t been living my life like I should be. I fell in this hole once before and then I climbed my way out with bare hands, bare feet, and my heart in my pocket.
Right now I’d say that heart that was once touchable is back in the hole; all by its lonesome self. And I really hate that I do this. I can’t seem to do relationships with anyone other than women.
Which sounds weird to me and a little funny(but that’s probably because of my wicked sense of humor). I can’t seem to get past my damn struggles with trusting guys. Still.
In fact, I fail so much at relationships with the opposite gender(and not just an intimate relationship- I can’t form a friendship with a guy unless he is dating one of my friends or is gay) that I actually just chased another one off.
How is that seizing the day?
In the end all of my problems resort back to this goal of mine. My problems with trusting men, my problems with just closing my eyes and not thinking about it before I jump, my problems with achieving things without feeling guilty or undeserving. All of it.
I’m going to tackle this mountain of problems starting right now. I want to be able to be the person I know I’m capable of.
I almost got there, too. I mean, not entirely(that’s what I have my entire life for, after all) but I started trusting guys and I started to let the brick wall down but then suddenly I guess I just realized I was almost there and I started panic and do what I always do- avoid everyone all the time.
And then I got really sick. And during the two weeks I was sick I lost everything I’d worked for because the avoidance had built up by then and I finally chased off my opportunities just because I was scared!
What the hell am I afraid of?
Who am I hiding from?
I know I can do better than this. I’ve actually managed to let myself down a little on this one. Here I thought I was finally getting somewhere- after I spent all that time mending my past and licking my own wounds I recently had the time and opportunity to grow into a better, more open-minded person.
Not only am I capable of doing better than this, I am better than this. It’s time to put myself in gear with a blindfold on and the windows rolled down going at a speed I don’t even know. I need to break down the wall I’ve built back up and stop checking my mirrors so often.
To anyone else struggling with themselves in the ways I am- I wish you all the best. I’m going to do this- I’m going to seize the day. So can you.
Carpe Diem.
<3
