actually pretty happy. No big worries or cares. Wish y’all the best.
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Gho-s-t has written 37 entries about this goal
because Ive had enough of trying to beat this the natural way.
Im improving but nowhere near fast enough. I’m not expecting this to cure me, in fact I’m already looking forward to the day when I would not need it.
Just to get a kickstart.
Marks the final week of the holidays. Todays the 2nd day of spring and I can feel the new energy rolling in. I woke up without anxiety today, went outside and did my kettlebell exercises on the lawn. I did swings for the first time in awhile with the 16kg, felt great to not have it accompanied by back pain, although now it feels a tad sore its a good sign nonetheless. The sun outside, clear skies and body movement did wonders for my mental wellbeing. The depression/anxiety, which saps me of awareness and dulls my senses leaving me zombiefied, just didnt not a have a chance to take hold today. When I have these attacks, it helps a ton to focus outside of myself, to move especially. As opposed to my natural instinct to find a dark place and curl up in the foetal position, doing the opposite which is expressing/exploding counteracts the feeling itself. I have a notion sometimes that this is some last ditch mechanism of my mind/body to get me to express myself and do things. People have noticed that I look more alive and awake, little do they know I do things to escape the gnawing anxiety, I cant be my usual complacent self.
Starting SSris next week.
Anyone has any experience with these?
Ive been prescribed it by my doctor, this past 2 weeks my anxiety and depression has been fairly fuckin bad, it had this sudden onset, I havent felt this level of low before. At times I cant tell between the 2. My sleep is something I need to catch up on, I need to do things to be proactively be more happy. Thankfully my family is here this weekend.
I am struggling to stay positive. Today’s been the first time I’ve been this low and I am positive it’s situational in nature. I’m still not past my self image issues, I’ve held it at bay pretty well for a long while but tonight it is chewing me up. I want to let go of all hope that I’ll ever be attractive. This would let me be free From self consciousness. I long to not want.
Whilst doing lab work, the only dude who I can call my acquaintance invited me to a science faculty pub crawl. Everybody in the class is going, drinkfest galore till the early morning. I replied with ‘Yeah maybe, I dont have an id though and I dont have enough money….....’
Reasons which I use to sugarcoat my own faggotry. I dont need an ID and the cost is a mere $7. I just dont want to go because of the usual reasons.
fear of standing alone in a corner of the pub
fear that noone will want to talk to me
fear that I will be unable to talk to anyone because nervous wreck.
fear that everyone will think im fa
fear what theyll think of me on monday
I have to try and do something though to change my fa’ness.
Its starts in 2 hours. and I already feel like going home.
like this forum has been somewhat inactive recently with the regular posters not posting. I hope this is a good sign!
Theyve already a picture of me in their minds.
I might as well stay this way.
She ignored me, They both did.
and then they all did.
Come to think of it, I wouldve too.
I remedy this? How do I feel solid about myself?
I got paired up unexpectedly with M last dance practice. Shes absolutely gorgeous, painfully gorgeous because i know Ill never be good enough for someone like that. Shes kind of chubby but its on the right places. She was wearing this perfume and it was intoxicating to say the least. Her mannerism and behaviour is just so fucking attractive. She would often pull this expression on her face that is hard to decipher, like she would be in pain almost as if shes begging for me to help her, or that maybe Im grabbing her too hard. Being the awkward penguin that I am, I cant hold a gaze with her, I would dart my eyes quickly and when I look away thats when she would dart her eyes with this half smile almost as if shes making fun of me. Those were the best 3 hours of my year so far.
I was adamant at first, I predicted that I would be a nervous train wreck throughout the ordeal never been that close to a woman for extended periods of time, let alone a very attractive woman.
Weirdly enough I got bolder as it went on. She started exaggerating her hips swing at one point with the same half smile on her face and for some reason that just brought up something burning from the depths of my cold fucking soul. Something primal and it wasnt just lust, it felt almost spiritual, like I dont want to be alone anymore. I pushed closer so that our chests were an inch of each other and I could hear and feel her breath on my neck as we practiced the dance for the n’th time. God-fuckin-damn i have never felt that powerful and vulnerable at the same time. It felt like I was in Sync with the universe. All of a sudden life wasnt so bleak anymore.
The troughs of my depression were cancelled out by this weird peak of overwhelming positive force. For those moments I had a clarity of what I had to do and I felt this sense of being equipped with sufficient power/resources to do it.
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