find inner peace

Inner Peace is illusive and often lost in chaos or moments of change, tragedy or confusion…but I realize that in these moments, it is supposed to be lost. It is the seeking to find it again that brings us growth and eventually back to a balance. I feel that I have faced demons in this life, and looked at them and spoken with them. It is unrealistic to expect them to go away, or perhaps just unhealthy to expect such things. After all, it is the repression of them that got me all confused in the first place. No one lives a perfect life, our imperfections and our strength in overcoming them is what makes us uniquely beautiful.

I am pondering the meaning and ways in which we as people get trapped. I have communicated my feelings to my partner and we have come to a place that I feel that I can live with and love freely in. Read love=freedom. I’ve also decided to be free from the things that I think I’m engaging in to be free, read alchohol and other addictions such as myspace. I am freeing that time and energy for creativity. I am learning to recognize my needs and address them, even in relationship. I am also learning that we really need nothing. Because if we do not have something and we are still here living, how can we think that we need it? Our existence without it proves our lack of need. We may want to pursue something, but that is not need. Which means that without it, we can indeed be happy where we are while still moving forward. At any rate, feeling that I have communicated and allowed my partner and myself the freedom that we ‘need’ right now makes me feel very at peace indeed. Ironically, the most at peace I’ve felt since our whole love affair started, which also started with blissful peace.

So, considering my family history, and my personal history, it’s time to do some serious working through shit. I have managed the past and kept very positive and strong my whole life. I can be proud of that, but I don’t want to wake up when I’m fifty like my father and feel like I’m just continuously battling and struggling. So, let’s start this healing, with a guide. Soon. Before July. Does everyone feel like they have to fight everyday to be happy? Maybe I’m expecting too much…

And Easter. And my birthday…Memorial Day. Labor Day. Everything in between.