not be so insecure

I feel like my face is falling apart. And it’s annoying me because I’m so angry right now.

I’m insecure when I don’t know what’s going on. This undermines me because I always like to be in control. I always like to know. I want to be true. I will embrace the mystery, I don’t mind that. But when it hides from me…I fall to pieces. I run after it and say ‘Embrace me!’. But they run. I need to grasp the fact that sometimes, I don’t know everything. That I won’t know everything. That it won’t always turn out okay, but I can survive. I can survive anything that hits me.

But I can’t control people. People are everywhere. They kill me with such a force. With their antics, words, and unnecessary malice.

They are what make me insecure. I’m not like normal people. I know everyone says that just to feel special. But I honestly don’t think I’m like normal people. I don’t act like them, I don’t move like them, I don’t talk like them, I don’t think like them, I don’t feel like them. I have a lot of hoops and ropes jumping in my mind all at the same time. And when I look outside me, I realize that everyone is just falling. They’re just like falling leaves. Or like static stars. They’re all around me but I can’t grasp onto them. I can’t…get them. And that scares me.

That’s what makes me insecure. Because I don’t know whether I’m good enough in their standards.

This is mainly on account of my panic disorder. I tend to shut everyone out, keep every little thing in, and pretend I don’t know or care what’s going about in the world. And sometimes I draw myself in for long, long times. And when I emerge I feel awkward and unsure of everything. Because I know that life and the world will most definitely go on without your prescence. Your prescence does not matter so much, and that can be a blessing or a curse. One can so easily shut themselves in like a closing folder and slip thinly through. Or feel damned on how little their existence accounts to the whole of things in the world. So every time I come out, like a crab coming out of its shell, or an insect breaking through from bark, I feel incredibly insecure. How much has the world progressed? How far am I left behind? How much do I have to do to catch up, again? And I wish I wasn’t like this. I really wish I wasn’t. But I guess that’s why I’m here in this group. I keep shutting myself in, and shutting myself out. And running at the inkling of presumed fear.

I feel so incredibly stupid. I keep thinking there’s this thing that’s incredibly wrong with me. I love my friends, but theses days I keep freaking out that they’re going to stop liking me, or start disincluding me in activities. I’ve been going through a lot these days, I was half-thrown and half-threw myself out of my parents house, I just restarted taking my medication and it’s side-effects aren’t compeltely gone yet, my ex kind of just stomped on my heart and I’m a mess on what to do. All I want to do is stay home and do…nothing. Just read, or watch tv, and sleep. I have so much drama in my head, all I really want to do is get some fucking peace. But, I want this peace forever. I feel like if somebody told me I was going to do nothing for the rest of my life, I would actually be really happy.
But I used to be this crazy girl that was always up for anything, that was so driven to danger it was almost suicidal. And you can just imagine they type of people I hung out with. They’ve been with me through a lot and I’ve known them for so long, but I just keep feeling that they’re going to leave me. I’ve had problems with relationships adn friendships all my life. It would hurt so much if they truly left me. I think they’re already starting to. Like they’re throwing me away becuase I’m boring. I don’t want to call them superficial because they’re all I’ve ever known. But…I just…don’t know what to do.