let go

I’m happy to say I’m getting the hang of this. I’ve decided to finally grow up, accept it, and smile. I still feel hurt sometimes and it’s a sensitive topic to my ears, but it doesn’t affect my daily thoughts anymore. I don’t feel like there’s a hand choking my body with rage anymore. I’ve decided to just accept it, face up to the responsibility and the embarrassment, and move on. It makes me a lot happier.

Letting go is harder than I’ve ever known. I have so much rage, hatred, and bitterness locked inside me it’s screaming to be free. Right now I’m so full of unrestrained emotions sitting here typing makes my jaw tight and my eyes bursting with frustrated tears. I want to let go. I want to let go of everything, but I CAN’T.

Everytime I see him laugh or smile, I just wanna go over there and punch him in the face. Hell break his legs and scream at him that he doesn’t deserve an once of happiness that this world has. I want him to feel so much pain and be in so much debt to me that every time he sees me he cowers like the liar he is.

It’s building up so much resentment and twisted fantasies inside me that I want to let go. I’m so tired of being angry. I have been angry for so long. I have wasted so many weeks on this futile emotion knowing every time that I cannot change anything and I cannot do anything.

I have tried toning my cold fury into ignoring him all the time, but when I accidentally bump into him I just want to rip his head apart. I want to stamp my foot into his stomach. This is seriously making me mentally effed.

He roams around the world like he’s the only one in it. That everyone else is the enemy and he is the only one of the good side of the wall. His own corner of self-pity. He does not even give a thought to the damage he has done around him, and done to me.

He’s trying to rebuild his world, and all I want to do is tear it down again. I think I’m a woman scorned. But I can’t help my magnetic anger. I can feel the sparks shooting out of my fingers. And they won’t be satisfied until I have made him cry.

I want to take the high road and let it go.Be the mature one and let him rot in his personal hell. Respect that all humans have their right to happiness and choices. But I don’t care. Not one bit. No matter how hard my friends and I have tried to persuade me to.

I know that picking a fight with him will result in nowhere and will not help me let go anymore than I can. So I need advice. Someone tell me how I can move on and satisfy my feeling.

I want to take revenge but I don’t want to be sucked into his ever wounding cycle of confusion and hatred. Every time we have direct contact, I’m sucked back into his world. And I’m so sick of it.

I’m starting to understand this.

All of my pain, all of my fear, all of my anger, I am learning to let them go. To forget my past grudges. And if I can’t forget then to mend them. Mend them, to finally confront them and make peace with them.

I want to let go and embrace the mystery. And even though I am scared, I want to go on. I want to finally move forward in my life. I’ve been in this hole, stagnant for the longest time.

I will move on.Even this will pass.