turn off the tv and computer, and turn to books and music instead

Well, I didn’t go online or watch telly at all yesterday. I actually felt quite good, not bored and lonely like I expected. I definitely felt a lot more focused, not at all like the forgetful bumbler I usually am. It was a bit weird eating meals on my own, in silence, but I actually found that they sort of tasted better. It’s actually really strange when you think about it, having this largely sedentary existence sitting in front of a box for hours every day. Hmmm.

So what did I learn? I guess that I don’t need to jump on the computer or sit in front of the TV every chance I get. That switching on the computer being the first thing I do in the morning and my hand instinctually reaching for the remote as soon as I sit down are actually quite worrying things. So I just need to act on that knowledge now. That’s the hard part.

This goal is proving surprisingly hard. While once upon a time books and music provided me with some sort of magical escape from everyday life, I don’t feel particularly content in my own wee world anymore. When I’m online I feel… connected. Connected to people I care about, things I’m interested in, to a mind-bogglingly vast wealth of information. Connected to the world, essentially. Being alone means being lonely, which usually results in me wallowing self-pity and doing fuck-all else.

I’d like to remedy this situation but I’m not exactly sure how. Surely the first step is getting my arse away from a screen. The next (quite necessary) part is finding other interesting and fulfilling things to do.

So, let’s try Wednesday for a no-screen day. One day sounds a bit pathetic but since I can’t remember the last full day I spent offline or without watching television, I reckon it’s a good enough place to start.

This one is not going very well at all. Everyone has their different ways of coping, mine happens to be escapism. You know, playing video games, watching television, mindlessly surfing the internet, that sort of thing. Why ponder your inadequacies when you can live vicariously and not feel a thing? Just switch on the telly and watch these nice people. Forget about yourself. Forget about everything. It does work.

You have to confront your feelings eventually though; it’s the only way to function properly. And of course indulging in this zombie-like existence usually only makes things worse. Fear you’re becoming boring? Well watching Buffy reruns isn’t going to help, is it? Neither is wallowing in self-pity or buying things to make yourself feel better or any of that.

Sorry for hijacking the goal and turning it into an angstfest. :/

1. Received (and laughed at) a letter from the Fiscal
2. Perfected a new way of eating a banana
3. Booked hairdressers
4. Eat three nutritious meals
5. Did the dishes and swept the floors (dunno what came over me)
6. Finished reading a book
7. Hoovered and tidied my room
8. Wrote 7 pages (A5) in my diary
9. Listened to ‘Funeral’
10. Lay on my bed and watched clouds drift by

As I’m on the computer now I clearly didn’t stay off for the whole day. It was a bit weird not being on during the day though, as I usually switch the computer on as soon as I wake up. I suppose it’s made me realise how much time I actually spend on it, I mean I usually eat all three of my main meals in front of it.

I haven’t missed the TV at all, I usually just end up flicking onto crap anyway.

I feel like I got a lot done today, and not only that but I was constantly thinking and ‘switched on’, not trying to numb myself or live vicariously or whatever my reasons are.

I’ve decided that this Monday will be a TV/computer turn-off day. I’ve got plenty of things to I could do instead of rotting away in front of a screen for half the day.

• I’ve been watching a lot less TV lately, ever since Stargate finished. I have a tendency to sit in front of the telly during meals, so that’s something I’m going to work on. I’ve noticed that just switching the TV off and not always having my mp3 player on gives me more time to think and reflect on things, which is usually a good thing. I do enjoy documentaries and things like that so I’ll still watch them if they catch my attention. The sort of TV I want to avoid though is the sort of mindless crap that doesn’t really have any value at all and merely helps me to avoid painful feelings I don’t wish to experience. And so… time to turn off.

• The computer’s a whole other kettle of fish. Generally when I go on the computer I don’t feel that it’s mindless and passive in the way that television is. Yes, you’re still staring at a screen for hours (and yes, probably living vicariously) but it interactive and I am actively seeking out things that interest and stimulate me. Most of the time.

• Boooks. I like books. Less than I used to, but still, I like them. I have several teetering piles on the landing (I need another bookcase), stuff that I’d really like to read at some point. I adopted a new goal today: read more books. So instead of rotting in front of the telly, I is gonna lurrrn. ;)

• I really miss having an mp3 player. Music just doesn’t feel as personal and moving when it’s being played through computer speakers. I have to wait a month until my dad gets his bonus. Oh wellies. I think I’ll hunt out the CD player…