stand up for myself

Okay, I did this. For the first time in my life I feel like I have actually stood up for myself and confronted someone about something Id usually ignore…

I actually asked for my money back off the person who owes me an awful lot.

Im shaking. I feel like such a bitch. Even though its rightfully my money and I need it. And now shes avoiding me and Im so scared she’s bitching about me to everyone or she’s going to set fire to my house. :/

Hmmm…

I wish I could be more assertive and stand up for myself more. Stop people walking all over just because I’m too afraid to open my mouth, because I constantly just want to keep the peace.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m good at standing up for myself when an argument has started…

I guess I just can’t say no. I’d prefer people to be happy, for me to look like the “nice girl” constantly, even when its making me upset or unhappy. Or when a stranger yells at me for something beyond my control – I can’t seem to speak up and say “Hang on a moment, thats not fair!” I just leave it and walk away, and usually get upset. Or when people owe me money, or take my stuff and I need to ask for it back, I can’t do it – I’d rather go without myself, even though I have every right to ask for it.

Take this morning for example, I had to sit at the top a double decker bus. Loads of people wanted to get off my stop and were walking down the stairs in front of me. The bus stopped, people got off and I was just behind them – but the driver didnt look to see if anyone was still on the stairs. He shut the doors and drove off…

Most people would say “Wait a sec, one more!!” or something similar. I just stop there pretending that I didn’t need the stop.

He then saw me, stopped the bus suddenly and asked if I wanted to get off. When I said yes, he said “Well you left it a bit bloody late didn’t you!” Everyone was staring at me and I just wanted to cry…

Wish I could have just said “Look matey, you shut the freakin door on me gawdamn you!! Grrr…” :D

I’ll learn… x