learn to like myself

Being with people is good, because you can see yourself reflected in them. Being at home alone is also good, but one should be open to external stimuli. I am nurturing some young friendships, and it feels good! I don’t want to be so isolated anymore.

I invited friends for a barbecue. We had a nice time. And the most important thing: we might not be very close, but they all appeared, they all told me how much they enjoyed it. I see that I am esteemed by this group of people, and it feels very very good.

Well, that’s important. I only realize it now, when I started exercising a bit, taking care of my hair and generally trying to not look – and feel – so shabby. It’s not something you do for others, you do it for yourself. I still dont wear make-up, I still wear my old jeans and a t-shirt, but still, I feel so much better!

OK, this is one thing that I shouldn’t accept. I shouldn’t criticize so much and express myself so badly. I know I wouldn’t like a person who criticizes everybody and comes out rude. I will consciously try to be nice to people from now on. Because people don’t usually realize that being rude is almost always a defense mechanism.

Well, that’s an absurd statement. Why have I always been thinking that? True, I have only a few friends, but then again, I find it difficult to communicate with people. I have an amazing boyfriend, and the people I’m close to are the most amazing, good hearted people I know. The truth is that I project the feelings about myself to other people. And it’s time I stopped doing that.

Yesterday I had something to say, and I just said it. My mom and my environment have taught me that you shouldn’t speak your mind so openly. But why not? Really, why not? Keeping everything inside, not letting people know, not letting people help you, is definitely not the wise thing to do. I feel much better now that I spoke with John, and I will make it a case to speak my mind, when it can’t harm anybody.

I grew up thinking my personality was wrong. My mother is amazing, but somehow she taught me that I shouldn’t be the loud, extremely emotional person that I am. But how can one change oneself? I would think that being too open would be a lesser fault than being dishonest, but somehow the world sees it differently. So I want to keep this loud, extravagant personality, but I would like to make it a little more optimistic, a little less defeatist.

I have always taken it as a given that losing weight will generally make me happier and boost my self-esteem. I’m realizing that this point of view is mostly wrong. Maybe the self-esteem issue will be partly solved, but I know me well enough to know that being thin doesn’t necessarily make me happy. I remember me being thin throughout the sadest part of my life. So I’m starting to like me, plump juicy me, and starting to believe my boyfriend when he says “I like you just the way you are”.