fearlessly live the life I want to live, be who I truly want to be, welcome change, unleash my inner, creative, adventurous, warrior self, and have no apologies for it, whatsoever, to anyone

That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m crossing things off my list that have been there for a long time. I’m being completely honest with myself and clear about my goals and dreams. I’m not worrying about how I’ll be perceived by being myself and sharing my desires. I’m smiling when I feel it. I’m crying when I feel it. I’m jamming out in the car to Run DMC one minute and Neil Diamond the next. I’m loving my family and friends and enjoying my time with them. So maybe I’m kickin’ my own butt and takin’ my own name, but I’m feeling a freedom in daily life that I can’t explain.

The past few days especially, I’ve just been feeling so much more comfortable with myself. While I’ve always felt that I’ve known myself, I know this learning is continual. I’ve always tried to be myself, though I know that sometimes it’s been easier than others. I’m feeling much more comfortable with the “no apologies” part. I am who I am, take it or leave it, I am who I am. Truly. I’m not holding back affection for fear of scaring someone. I’m smiling more because life is too short not to. I’m enjoying the sunshine and wind at my face. I’m listening to songs that make me smile and I’m helping to make others smile and laugh. It feels good. I’m not holding back. I’m letting go. Finally. I’m crying when I miss my aunt or my grandfather or… In those tears and in laughter, I remember them and feel that love once again. I’m moving forward, taking steps on my own, without being forced. I’m looking for opportunities I’m interested in. I’m becoming certified for a career while I continue to work my job. I’m reading and educating myself outside of classes, for fun and because I’m interested in these topics. I’m full of thoughts and solutions. I’m taking better care of myself. I’m driving more slowly and carefully. I’m taking care of my finances and preparing for the unexpected. I’m eating healthier and cooking more. I’m enjoying cooking, not just baking. I’m cherishing every minute I am blessed to share with my dog. I’m cherishing moments with my parents and conversations with my grandmother. I’m jogging and enjoying it? Getting up early in the morning to jog and enjoying it? Who is this person? I think I like her.

This may sound really dumb, naive, or obvious, but it’s something that’s become clearer to me. It’s important to ask for what you want when it involves someone else. Be clear, straightforward, and honest. If you ask, then you’ve already taken a step forward. If you ask and you don’t get it, well, at least you’re clear about what you want.

Sometimes we aren’t clear about what we want – often because we don’t know what we want, because we aren’t sure how to phrase our desires, or because we’re just afraid to ask for it.

Maybe it’s because it’s Friday and I have a weekend with minimal plans so I can relax and get something things done that I want to get done. Maybe it’s because I feel like D might be listening a little more intently and (hopefully) realizing the importance of working on figuring our stuff out. Maybe I feel like a few things are starting to come together a bit more. Maybe it’s just that time of the month when I feel like I can take on anything and the stuff that got me down just isn’t getting me down so much. Man, I hope it’s not just that last one. I hope it’s because there really is a light at the end of the tunnel and plenty of good changes are quickly on their way.

It’s a gentle reminder to check myself regularly and make sure I’m being me. :)

I want to be positive. There is so much to love about life, and about my life. There is so much to look forward to, sometimes we just don’t realize that it takes a little more creativity than we’ve been led to believe. Sometimes we get bogged down with the day-to-day, the more difficult issues, and that’s where we feel like falling apart.

While there are many parts of my life that have not worked out the way I expected or hoped for them to (understatement in some cases), I realize that I still have a pretty awesome life. I have a loving family (however small), a solid roof over my head, food on the table, shoes on my feet…I’m able to enjoy the wind in my face and the warmth of the sun, and I’m able to love with the simplicity, vivaciousness and surrender of a child. Life is good. I’ve had amazing experiences and look forward to what may come next. I’m doing more because I want to do it, just for the sheer enjoyment of it. I’m staying active because that’s what makes me happy and I’m doing things “just because”. I’m tired of sitting back and watching. I’m doing now. Again. I’m happy. I’m strong. I’m undefeatable.

mild
brave
strong
but delicate
shy
but outgoing…sometimes
quiet
rowdy…at ball games
wants to do everything
and feels let down with the thought that she might not be able to do it all.
stressed sometimes
but often a soother of others.
nurturer
no-nonsense
natural
low-key
simple in a complicated sort of way
friendly…
and anti-social by choice.
(sometimes a walking contradiction)
a lover of natural beauty
somewhat confident (nowhere near overly!)
but incredibly judgemental of myself and my choices and lacking confidence at times. (certainly working on this)
good
loving
ready for what comes next
one of a kind
intelligent
independent
interested in people and things around me, and learning more
creative
hard-working
caring
a little rough around the edges
but cleans up well

What you see is what you get – but only when you look deep enough. What will I do with this? Be the best me I can be. As far as we know, we only get one life. Do the most with what I’ve been given. Right here, right now. No excuses.

is my big phone call (we’re on different coasts). While I’ve pretty much decided that I don’t want the job as it stands, this call may be the start of more opportunity for me. So I’m taking the bull by the horns.

Had a good conversation today with one of my co-workers (who I consider a mentor). He’s overloaded with work and I am suddenly about to find myself with more time at work as a result of someone new coming on board. He’s willing to give me work that I’m drooling over. It would help him and help me experience-wise, too. We both agree this may be the perfect opportunity for me to carve a valuable place for myself with the team. Just need to get the go-ahead from the boss. I’ll start the process tomorrow…

even though I always think of myself that way. I always think that I don’t have enough experience, I’m too young, don’t have the right experience, don’t know the right people to move forward in my career. I’m starting to realize that my own thoughts may be what’s holding me back. I need to take control of these thoughts and realize that who I am is enough! I’m old enough, I’m young enough, I’m smart enough, I have enough experience, I’m motivated enough, I know the right people…I need to remember this and stop second-guessing my own ability.

Finally, the job has become available and for once I’m already working in the department. I have the educational background, familiarity with the team and area. I have the ability to do this job. So the least I can do for all parties involved is let the “powers that be” know of my interest. Who knows? It may be my big break. They may turn me down outright. But I’ll never know if I don’t try.

After all, this is one of my “things”! I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t turn around my thinking, and with it, my actions. So I’m going to “FEARLESSLY live the life I want to live, be who I truly want to be, welcome change, unleash my inner, creative, adventurous, warrior self, and have no apologies for it, whatsoever, to anyone.”

So, I realized I live my life often feeling like I’m a guest at someone else’s party. And not just any guest, but the guest that the host at the last minute felt bad and said,”Hey, I’m having a party in an hour…if you’re not doing anything why don’t you come? Would you mind bringing some extra ice?”

UGH! I can’t stand that I make myself feel that way. This is my life and I should feel more comfortable living it and inviting other people in to be a part of it (on my terms). But I think the fact that I have realized this about myself is a huge start. Now to discover how to GET OVER IT… I’m getting there slowly.

On the plus side, I do welcome change a lot. In fact, I find myself searching for change for myself much of the time, craving anything that allows me to grow and learn. I have friends who have often noted how strong and brave I am because they see how much I’ve done on my own. For example, I bought a house all by myself when I was 25. That’s something I SHOULD be proud of. Instead, I find that I knock myself down with thoughts like,”Well, I wouldn’t have chosen to do it alone. I had to.” I don’t know why I always think that way. Instead, I need to accept my friends’ encouragement with a simple “Thank you,” and then (here’s the key) internally acknowledge the amazingness that is me. When I actually take the time to look at myself more objectively, it makes me realize,”Yeah, I really AM a pretty incredible individual.” :)

Gradually, I’ll become a better cheerleader for myself. Definitely something to work on. This life is my party, too, and I need to be myself and enjoy each moment!

The ‘fearlessly’ part is both the most appealing part to me and the scariest part. Isn’t that ironic that fearlessness can be a scary concept?

I love the freedom that exists in being fearless and usually find myself to be pretty brave. But when it comes to sheer economics of situations, I have a difficult time being fearless. I’m good at saving despite very limited means, but that to me doesn’t require much courage. What scares me is being without income, without a job, the “what ifs” that keep me from making extreme changes. Sometimes I feel like I play it too safe, but how do I find the happy medium (vs. taking stupid risks)?

“You can’t steal second with your foot on first.”

This is one of my favorite quotes. After all, doesn’t life always come down to baseball analogies? :) I’ve often shared it with friends who have a hard time moving on after a breakup. But I think this can be applied to many aspects of life. I’m looking toward a career change right now and I know I need to be fully committed to that change in order to be happy and allow it to work.

It’s the unknowns that are holding me back and I need to get a grip. I’ve fallen before, made it through and had what I needed. And I seem to keep forgetting that it’s not all about me. I’m not doing this alone. God is ultimately not going to let me fail. I simply need to listen and follow the path that’s put before me.

We’re going to do this… gracefully…joyfully…successfully.