spend more time with my husband

That is the title of an adorable Precious Moments book that my children love. It got me thinking… contemplating my marriage, my beloved husband (I refuse to write “DH” because if he means so much to me, I see no reason to not take the time needed to actually write out “Dear Husband” =)), and I found that there are so many aspects of a true, meaningful relationship that I do not give as much thought to as I ought.

Having a partner who can make you laugh, who will listen to your long bad-day stories and who seems a lot like (or in my case, blessedly opposite) yourself are all wonderful things to have in a relationship. Despite my religious and moral feelings on not screwing everything that moves or has a gorgeous face/body, I am not some strange abnormal human. LOL I am warm-blooded and I feel that it’s crucial to have a great lover, someone you want to give to, as well as receive from. However, love does not immediately equal sex, and vice versa. This is such a huge misconception that is pushed through movies and music and books; “I love you so much that all I can think about is f_~ing you.”

o.O -?!

No, this is not how it works. There is so much more involved, so much that goes on “behind the scenes” as it were. There is more to growing closer to my husband than a great night of sex or watching a movie together. WAY more than an occasional hug or sometimes remembering to say “thank you” for something taken for granted. It cannot be fixed in a moment, but the beautiful thing is that it cannot truly be destroyed in a moment either.

So many people do not realize that love is not the easy, fantasy-world idea that books are written about. Most commonly “love at first sight” is a misnomer for infatuation, which generally does not turn into anything real, or last. It is being in love with the idea of being in love that ruins things.

Love is such a deep, amazing, life-changing, blessedly wonderful, horribly painful, selfless and yet selfish thing. It is time-consuming and yet makes us realize just how little time we have. It is about making mistakes and searching ourselves. Love is the best thing that can happen in life, and the worst thing that can happen to our sanity.

There is no easy road, and usually there is no fiercely burning fire to keep it going. The relationships that last are the ones in which the fire burns down to a gentle smouldering, and both people must show their dedication by fanning the flames, adding fuel and working to keep it alight. If one person accidentally lets the fire go out, then they must work extra hard to re-light it. It cannot be maintained by one person alone, or even two people with a 60-40 split effort.

What am I getting at? ;)

I am not sure… perhaps that this will take time, but is worth it. Perhaps that I would much rather be part of a partnership that consists of hardship, challenge and occasional lonliness in order to strengthen the bonds, than to be in a superficial, shiny-happy-people-holding-hands storybook marriage. I am no princess, and although my husband is very dear to me, he is no prince charming. We are just ourselves, this is all, this is enough.

Perhaps my point is that things that are worth doing take longer and require more effort than those things that can be done and forgotten. Yes, I think this is the biggest point of all. =) I will remind myself of this as my husband lies asleep, having fallen asleep when my children fell asleep, on a Friday… one of only two nights per week he is willing to stay up and spend time with me without concern that his job will suffer the next day.

I will remember that this, growing closer and repairing the rift, will take time. I will remember that one night within a weekend, or even three weekends in a month, cannot stand in the way if we both try our hardest. Above all, I will remember that it is, always has been, and always will be worth the effort. I cannot think of anybody I would rather spend my life with, even if every Friday night for the rest of my life is spent alone while he dreams. =) That is such a small part of our life together that I am selfish for letting it bother me.

I must remember that it takes two, and my part in this is understanding how tired he is, and that he is not used to staying up with our children, so his body has a hard time dealing with being sleepy. Not everyone has grown accustomed to lack of sleep, and that is a good thing! =D I am blessed to be needed by my children at night, and my husband is blessed to have the health that comes with regular sleep. He will rest, and dream, and I will fill my evening with myself (the strangest person I know ;)) and my beautiful children who seem to need even less sleep than me (lol), and insh’allah tomorrow night my husband and I will have our weekly (when all goes well) late-night bonding time. If not, we have the rest of our lives together, be it minutes or decades (I am satisfied with knowing it will be until the end of my days), and it will be spent with my soulmate.

Each day brings us a little closer, and each day I look forward to getting to know my best friend again.

La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah

No matter what happens during the course of this nutter of a journey called life, I will be eternally grateful for having my husband walking with me. =)

Allow me to share a story…

Once there was, and twice there wasn’t a woman named Fereshteh. She had grown up without the adoration that many children receive, and learned early to raise herself. It did not take long for Fereshteh to begin dreaming… she padded out the world with books, tales of princesses and mermaids. She lost herself in art, and later studied Quantum Mechanics because (simply put) she loved the idea of a world unexplained.

Fereshteh loved the idea of being in love, however refused herself to become attached in order to protect her heart. When meeting JH, Fereshteh plainitively told him that there would be no relationship. Only school, college, a great job and a successful career. Two months later and Fereshteh was in love.

Both Fereshteh and JH were young, however they agreed that it was not proper to have an extensive relationship without marriage. Eight months after meeting the man of her dreams, Fereshteh was married. They were young, smart, happy; the world was theirs. They enjoyed life together, filled in the missing pieces that neither knew they had.

Fereshteh was a daydreamer, her new husband was down-to-earth. She was slight of build and pale, he was tall and olive-skinned. She lived in a world where faeries and dragons just might exist, he lived in a world full of hard truth that required strength to navigate and survive. She chose with her heart, he chose with his mind. Where she was emotional and slightly spacey, he was logical and extremely intelligent. They were perfect opposites, and a perfect match.

Happiness was not destined to last forever. Three years into their marriage, our happy young couple realized that being parents had taken time away from them. Neither believed in divorce, however they grew apart. One day Fereshteh awoke to the realization that she no longer knew the man who was sharing her bed. His ring matched hers, he was an amazing and giving lover, but deep down, who was he? Aqa JH was a wonderful husband, working many long hours and providing for his family… how to find time to get to know him again?

Fereshteh and JH began striving to understand who the other was, and to become the best friends they once were. At first it did not go well, and the beautiful partenership that is marriage began to fall apart. Fereshteh, now Umm Makram, lost herself in her role as mother in order to masque the lonliness and strain of a constant facade of perfection. Aqa JH was growing frustrated attempting to understand this woman who was now so strange to him and yet his wife.

The marriage finally broke into small and sharp-edged pieces. After so long of the rift growing ever-wider, their families (the same family who had taught them divorce is a sign that neither person is willing to try their hardest) began to suggest separation. In time they threw up their hands and walked away. Each went their seperate ways, attempting to find happiness in the world around them.

Happiness eluded them. Wanting, searching, trying to forget. It did not happen. One night, as Umm Makram sat in a cold hostel in a strange city, the phon rang. Aqa JH wished her back, missed her, told her how he could not look at the house without thinking of her. She could not return fast enough. Leaving her new employment behind, she returned home as quickly as the car could go. A small piece had been put back into place.

It would take years, but in time Ferehteh and JH became close again, first friends, eventually life partners. It took much work and many hours spent talking and crying and forgiving. Yet it happened. Their marriage was put back together piece by piece, forming a beautiful mosaic that was stronger for the break that had happened once before.

Life could not have been better for our couple. They had a beautiful home, four amazing children and a stable marriage. The children were happy, the couple was closer than they ever had been and for once everything seemed picturesque. Until the company that Aqa JH worked for transferred him to a distant city, far from anywhere the couple had ever lived.

The family moved their belongings and relocated. Suddenly life went from simple and comfortable to chaotic and ovewhelming. Extra time ran off into the night and never returned.

Umm Makram had to work overtime as a mother to help her children adjust, especially the eldest ones who had made friends in their previous school and now had to start over. The house needed straightening, boxes needed unpacking, and a masjid had to be found. There was no time left for the late-night conversations that Fereshteh so loved, let alone time to charm her husband daily.

Aqa JH was busy as well. He had to prove his worth at this new (and more formal) place of employment. He had to put in extra hours for meetings and had to arrive home later than usual. There was only one car, and he needed it. Fereshteh could not drop in to cheer him up at work or drop off gormeh sabzi for lunch. Small things in the grand scheme, but large in a marriage that was finally healing.

Today Fereshteh and JH are still busy, still settling in this new and different city. She is active in her children’s lives both in and out of school, and is struggling to keep her kids safe from prejudice that is occasionally violent, while not losing herself. He is woking hard, balancing being a wonderful father and husband with being an excellent employee. There is rarely time to be alone, and weekends are spent getting things done that had been waiting until both were at home.

There is concern now, neither want the relationship to suffer another devastating break. Fereshteh stands alone on many days, offering Du’a for the security and happiness of her marriage. JH attempts to find extra time to spend with her, to place her on equal footing with work, but is growing frustrated once again with the state of his union with this woman who spends her days dreaming. Neither wants to give up, and neither know what to do. Fereshteh has realized once again that she is begining to lose her understanding of the man she married, and JH is realizing that Fereshteh is once again a stranger to him.

There will be time, it will be pulled from other activities that can wait.

I, Fereshteh, will make time.

I adore my husband as I have adored nobody except my children, and I will see to it that my husband will know me again, even if I have to try every day until the end of time.

We will live happily ever after.

The end. =)