I know that there is a deeper beauty than the outside. I am not beautiful because of my long hair that I adore, or my application of kohl. I want to know that there is beauty within me, as well as what may or may not be on the outside.
At the same time, I would love to look in the mirror even after gaining 3 pounds and still see myself as beautiful. Not “hot,” not “sexy,” not any of the casual words that denote attractiveness, but truly beautiful. I feel it has to be a mix of both what is inside of a person, and what is outside. I have known people who were average or plain physically, however their beauty shone from inside and they had the world at their feet. I have also known models who were as mean as mean can be, and they were some of the ugliest people I have ever met.
For all of my optimism, I feel that my only real beauty lies in being a mother… Having helped bring life into this world is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I see beauty in my children, I see beauty in the world when I look at it through their eyes, but myself…?
What if I had never given birth, or my hair were not as long as it is? Prior to becoming a mother, I refused to look into the mirror except for necessities, like brushing my hair or making sure my shirt was not on inside-out. Not much has changed, unless I am holding them while looking in a mirror, and then I am able to see true beauty.
I would love to find something to hold onto while I am mopping the floor, changing diapers, cooking food that will be refused by picky eaters, or even those most intimate times that I stand in the shower and wonder what I would look like had I never given birth. I keep myself in good shape, but I used to be a size 5 (until I was 19 or 20, even after baby #1)... I am now a size 8. My body has changed; what might it have looked like? Would I be svelte, lithe, stunning?
Why do I even waste time on these thoughts? Because I doubt. I want to silence these doubts once and for all. Am I really so beautiful when cleaning peanut butter off of the walls so my husband does not see it when he returns home after a stressful day at work? When wandering eyes wound my spirit, should they? I suspect not, but it is My Quest to figure this out.
I want to feel beautiful even when my husband comes home after a long day and sees my disheveled hair and tired eyes, and my hands are covered in soapy water after washing my son’s Thomas train because he decided to keep it in his diaper again. o.O
I want to feel beautiful even when I am trying to reach the top shelf in the kitchen and I realize that I could do it if I was 5’6” and not a petite 5’2”. =\
I need to know that I am beautiful after a rediculous bout of crying for no good reason other than it’s Friday and the past week has been too long, or when I have to put myself in a time-out because the children are driving me batty.
I am happy with my life, and I am grateful for my health and my beautiful, healthy children. Honetly I feel that this is the sum total of my worth, and the one sign that I am doing well. I know it probably sounds conceited, but I want to know that I am beautiful also, inside and out, on top of being a good mother and wife.
