Here I am once again. So much has happened in the past year… My life was turned on it’s head and shaken till all my lunch money had fallen out and rolled down the hill. I owe an apology to many for “disappearing” as I did, although I do admit it to have been a conscious decision. No accident; I needed space, and time, and healing. None of these could I get while I was as overwhelmed with life as I had allowed myself to be.
I thank sincerely those who have kept in touch with me these past few months… Writing letters and calling and generally being irksome when I was trying to be a hermit. ::smile:: I dropped offline just after my last post here, and was only on a few times after that, however it never ceased to amaze me how many people persisted in attempting to reach me and make sure all was well… I would’ve given up on me long ago. LOL Again, thank you, it has helped to know that there are people who care, who don’t disappear when the skies cloud over, and who are as bull-headed as I am when a friend is in trouble. Usually that friend is not me, and therefore it means all the more to me. It’s never a challenge to be there for someone when all is well, but when there are no tangible rewards, no fringe benefits in being there when things get difficult, then friendship becomes more precious than water and more beautiful than even the most perfect day.
I did not mean to ignore anyone, and if there is anyone still angry with me I ask again for your forgiveness. The 43ers whom I have been blessed to know have all been dear to me, both the ones who have kept in touch outside of the site and also the ones I know only through occasional online contact. It was never my intent to upset anyone, only to try and fix what was broken (in me).
My life has undergone some serious changes, as have I. It’s difficult to maintain the outlook I had held so dear – that life is shiny and majestic – when being forced to scrub the gutters of life’s imperfections. Yet here I stand, stronger for it, perhaps a bit jaded, though all in all myself. It will take more than the occasional emotional tsunami to tear me down for good. ;)
“Recover” ... Why did I choose this particular goal to begin with? Several reasons. The biggest is that I have been extremely ill. The doctors seem confounded, therefore it rests on (and within) me to heal whatever this is that ravages my health.
Another reason: My ongoing battles with eating have now become an all-out war. It’s time to bring out the BFGs and end this once and for all. Preferably with me standing on the winning side.
Yet another reason: The damage done in the realms of intimacy tend to scar before they fully heal, so the soul beneath begins to wither and rot while the surface becomes twisted and impenetrable. This I will not allow. I will aggressively cleanse this part of my soul until it once again belongs to me and me alone, not some spirit of jaded cynicism that is fighting for ground within my heart.
Finally, and most importantly: Recover means not just to heal, it means (Re-Cover) to again cover that which has been un-covered. It is a weakness in myself that the wounds I carry, within as well as without, have become so visible to the world around me. I cannot abide weakness in myself, therefore if I cannot immediately heal the wounds, I will apply every last measure to make sure that they are mine and mine alone, and only that which I choose to share will be known to the world. I have never considered myself a victim, even when circumstances attempt to make it so, and I have always loathed pity. So I strive once again to make myself stronger than I have been recently, and to find the me that I knew before all of this happened.
So I suppose it breaks down to healing and armour: That which can be fixed, fix; and that which cannot, protect until it can be fixed.
I’m not sure how often I will be on here, but I will make an effort to drop in more often than not. =) Between NaNoWriMo 2007, my beautiful children and a spirit that needs to be recovered, I’m afraid my “free” time will be limited. However I look forward to becoming part of this wonderful community again, and getting in touch with the dear friends I have made here; I’ve missed it, and all of you, awfully much.
It’s good to be back.
