grow spiritually

Yesterday I went to a beautiful old convent church (benedictine monks) and attended a special mass where 3 monks took their eternal vows. I enjoyed the mass (monks were singing beautifully) and felt happy and at peace. Friends had invited me since one of the monks was a friend.

I also made a deal with one of those friends, that i would go to profession, if she did something I think would be good for her. Now I am sure she will do it, just to make me profess. Last time i professed was 20 years ago! My ideas about “sin” have changed a lot since then. I think i better prepare myself and read some (Another friend of mine gave me pater Slavkos booklet about confession. it is sitting beside my bed and waiting to be read).

I never thought I would get more involved with my catholic faith again. I hated about everything about it since I spent 8 years in catholic boarding school.

And I have been looking into other faiths and beliefs in the last years – buddhism, kashmir hinduism, kabbalah… in the end
there was always something that annoyed me.(Just read “Holy Cow” by S. MacDonald which I enjoyed a lot – reflected some of my spiritual experiences).

At the end of the day I believe more and more to be true what the Dalai Lama said – that it is best not to change religion but to find god in your own religion. So maybe i am heading towards there.

I recently saw the film “As in Heaven” by Kay Pollak. I cried just as much as on the first time i saw it. It is a deeply spiritual film and amazingly beautiful. It awakened in me a wish to develop my spirituality.

There is a scene that deeply touched me. It is when Daniel, the protagonist, gets beat up by a mean person. Women drag him to his home (i don’t think the similarity in composition of the scene to Jesus being recovered from the cross by the women after his crucification is a coincidence.) He is bleeding and badly beat up.It seems that nothing has changed, the demons of his past strong as ever. His choir is also present in the room, and they are shocked, silent. Anger and despair about this senseless piece of violence permeates the room.

Then the choir starts singing. They sing “Amazing Graze”. My heart instantly soared and hopefullness rushed in.

I never knew the words of that song. But i looked them up. Here they are and i want to take them to heart:

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures;
He will my Shield and Portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.