be proud of myself

Thanks to a gentle push received here (thanks Crunchy) I took care of my car today. Rather than sleep late, I got up early and took it over to Firestone. I knew I needed rear tires but delayed it, thinking I’d be selling or trading the car in. Since the new car didn’t materialize, I need to take care of the car I still have.

I actually bought 4 new tires. Thankfully, it was Buy 3, Get 1 free. I also got what they called a “vacation package” (oil change plus they checked everything) at a discount and opened a Firestone credit card which took $30 off the total bill. A help because the bill was more than I’d planned.

It may not seem like it but this was big for me. I didn’t just put it on my to-do list. I didn’t avoid it until I was in desperate need and started to stress over it. And I didn’t wait to ask my dad what to do. I made a decision and just did it. Yeah me.

A year ago yesterday, I attended my first meeting for an organization which has become a priority in my life.

On 8/29/08, I’d hit the bottom of an emotional pit and I could not climb out. But beginning 8/30, a day at a time, I began to change. Call it a light at the end of the tunnel, an epiphany, an awakening -I am now more in tune with myself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am not perfect and I accept that. What ever made me think I had to be? I’m still working thru that one.

I am not fixed because I was never broken. I’m me and I accept myself and my defects. I haven’t acknowledged ALL of my defects yet but I will eventually.

I accept others and their defects. What made me think I could change others? I can only change myself.

I get a lot of positive feedback from people in the organization about how well I’m doing. It’s wonderful to hear but it’s very easy to let it go to my head. I need to remind myself that a little humility goes a lot further than arrogance.

There are 3 things I can do better than anyone else: I can take care of myself better, treat myself better and love myself better than anyone. And I’m finally doing just that.

For this I am most proud. And g-d willing, I always will be.

With having hit the big-50 this year, I began thinking of all of the medical things they tell you to take care of. #1 on the list? Colonoscopy.

So, being the adult I’m trying to be, I booked an appointment for Tuesday. The instructions were no solid food after Sunday night (what?!), only liquids all day Monday, start taking Dulcolax and Miralax in the evening and nothing at all on test day.

Fasting is hard work. It’s funny because I am a scheduled eater – I plan what to eat and when. But how do I plan BROTH? JELLO?

Taking the medication wasn’t too bad – I mixed it in Peach Crystal lite – very tasty! I’ve heard of women that take laxatives to lose weight but HOW do they function? Sure, I did lose 3 lbs but I couldn’t leave the house!

The day of the test, I wasn’t nervous – probably because I was dying of thirst. The staff was great, made me feel really comfortable. The anesthesiologist told me the drug I’d be given was the one Michael Jackson wanted “to sleep better”. Let me tell you, he was right – I was out before I knew it – then awake 45 minutes later, feeling OK (just so thirsty).

The test was easy.
The results were great (“perfect; clean-as-a-whistle” per the dr)
The dinner I had that night was the best meal I ever ate.

I’m proud of myself for taking care of myself, for taking this test which so many people shy away from. I’m here to tell you it’s EASY and can save your life. Do it.

I got this “reminder” email from nj.quit.net, the support site for people trying to quit smoking:

Your Quit Date is: Friday, July 07, 2006
Time Smoke-Free: 1096 days
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 16,444
Lifetime Saved: 4 months, 5 days, 14 hours
Money Saved: $4,110.00

Can it really be 3 years since I quit? I smoked for 28 years (1978 to 2006) and hardly remember being a smoker.
Quiting smoking is probably the single “best” thing I’ve ever done for myself.

I highly recommend it. It’s not easy – but as they say “if it was easy, everyone would be doing it”

Not scholastic tests – medical. I had bloodwork done plus a few extras. Just like being in a new age bracket on surveys, turning 50 opened a whole new medical can of worms to think about.
All the numbers are good, with a minor blip. The cholesteral is up a wee bit. No biggee – I’m back on the meds (at 1/2 dose) but also added ground flax seed to my diet. The doctor was happy with my decision to do both.
Never before have I taken responsibility for my physical health like I do now. A doctor can tell me what I need to do, but I have to do it. My body can tell me it hurts, but I have to listen. I am the only one who can take care of me. And I’m going to do it well.

so why haven’t I written here in so long? Well, I’ve been busy living my life…something I never used to do, since I was either afraid (of what?) or waiting for it to start…silly.

Interestingly enough, on FaceBook today (yeah, it IS addicting) I got a “message” from an application called “you got a message from God”. In part it said….
“God wants you to know…that to find out who you are becoming, find stories that move your heart.
Just like a seed has an image of the tree in it, so does your heart have an image of who you are becoming”.

I love that analogy.

which made me think. It said how important it is to have “the integrity and courage to show my true self to the world”.

So true. I am beginning to recognize and admit things about myself to myself (the good, the bad and the ugly) so clearly the next step is to admit it to the world.

Some see this goal as “not care what other people think about me” but I see it as “accept me for me and be brave enough to share it”

Today, when I got on the scale and saw I’d lost the 30 lbs…I broke into such a huge smile. I felt such a rush of pride. It wasn’t about losing the weight – it was about completing a goal, taking care of myself, doing what’s best for me.

In the past 3 months, I’ve made several changes in my life, specifically related to my spiritual and emotional well-being. It’s like I finally found the key that unlocked the door. Or like someone finally gave me the instruction manual for my life.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of meditation, some praying, a lot of reading and writing – all of which is opening me up to the next step in my journey. Funny – I’m reading this and 6 months ago (just before I started on 43T) I would have said what I’m writing sounded corny and contrived. Today, it feels natural and honest.

I also want to make note that this journey began in large part with 43T. It has helped me do things – big and small – that either I never would have been able to do or never would have even attempted. So thank you to 43T and to those who’ve cheered me (or not), those who I’ve cheered (or not) – you’ve all helped make me feel proud of myself and for that, I thank you.

I wasn’t sure where to post this entry – learn carpentry? volunteer? I decided it needed to be here.

Last night was the ribbon cutting ceremony for the playground I helped build last week. The “ribbon” was a mega-long paper chain that the kids made during the 5 day event. The ceremony was delayed a bit because they were working until the last minute then it had to be inspected.

I’ve attached a picture of the playground just before the ceremony. I walked around totally amazed at the outcome. Less than a week ago, this was an empty dirty lot behind the school. Now it’s a wonderful playground and I helped make it happen. Some of that wood (a lot of that wood!) was prepped by me. When they cut the ribbon, those kids went wild, running thru the entire playground – I think the adults wanted to join them!

I didn’t realize how seeing it complete would effect me. Something I did will be enjoyed by a lot of kids for a lot of years. I felt really proud of myself.

I have been – in all ways physical, mental and spiritual. I hadn’t thought about this in regards to this goal, but I should (thanks for the reminder, Anne).
I never made the time for these things in my life. I’m a “doer” – I make lists, I complete tasks, I schedule things. I’m a numbers-person.
I just went thru my days doing things, figuring everything would work out the way it was supposed to. I read dozens of books on how to “fix” my life). I always complained about it or wished for something different but nothing changed. It was like I was sleep-walking thru my own life.
Well, I woke up. Little by little, one day at a time, I’ve been making changes, changing my priorities and my focus, seeing myself, my life and my goals differently. I recognize my part in my “life story”.
A friend of mine said I’m finally listening to my inner-self, the part of me that was quiet for too long. Maybe so. I like being present in my own life.