overcome depression and anxiety

Hey, I discovered two nice things that have really really helped me and thought that I would share them with you all, so maybe you could try them out if you wanted to.

The first one is to get an alias. This helps me loads if I’m trying something I wouldn’t normally do. In my case, my friend adopted me as her Irish little sister, and gave me the name Cara Nevin, and then we later added in Saoirse. Cara Saoirse Nevin. Saoirse means Freedom. So whenever I’m in a weird situation that is making me anxious or whatever, I take on the whole of Cara. It helps to give me confidence when I normally wouldn’t have any =]

The second one works like a miracle. The secret is….
Listen to Bob Marley. I swear that guy heals the soul.
After listening to Marley and doing the above I’ve been happy. I didn’t need to ahve CBT today =] YAY! Progress

So two things to blog about today. Well, one happened this morning and one happened yesterday. So I’ll start with yesterday.

Yesterday, I went to my friends birthday thing. It wasn’t a party or anything, it was just a little lunch thing with him, my best friend, our other friend, and he brought a friend along with him called Gemma. The first thing I thought was, ‘Wow, she is PURTY’. Then when I came home I was like, aw she was so quiet really. It was rather sweet. And my friend (who’s b-day it was) came on, and then I said to him, wow Gemma is really pretty. And after a while he asked me if I liked her, so I said yes. He gave me her msn and we talked for a bit, and then she said she had to brb, cos she had some work to finish. But then she never came back.
Last night before I went to sleep all the crappiness started coming into my head. Did she really go somewhere or did she block me because she didn’t like me? Would she even like me? No, she wouldn’t because she’s so pretty and I’m not, and I always look horrible etc. etc.

The second thing that happened was I posted this ‘poem’ up on this writing site. Now, I don’t especially like this writing site because the top people on it are those smart, know it all types, and don’t like writing that isn’t smart and stuff like their’s. I posted up my poem thing, it’s called Teenagers. It was loosely based on My chemical romance’s song, but mostly on my own personal experiances. It’s not a proper poem because it wasn’t supposed to be. It’s in a way a rant, it doesn’t rhyme because it’s not supposed to. The point of it was to have a little rant about the way I’d been treated as a teenager and to show all the other kids that we are going through similar things and for them not to feel alone. It was a breif attack on adults. The point of the poem was non-conformity, which was why it wasn’t written like a poem, and why it didn’t rhyme.
Did you think ANY of the adults there understood that?
No, they attacked what I had written. Said it wasn’t poetry, it wasn’t anything good, it was emo, it was self-indulged. etc etc. I’m not gonna repeat what they said because you can read that and the poem here:
http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/content/view/18543/78/

Maybe I did act like a stupid teenager. But you know what. Fuck that site. I’m not gonna bother on it anymore. Those comments hurt like a bitch, which I didn’t expect. I’m so angry and confused and upset right now. I dont even know what to do.

I really need to get into the routine of using this because you guys have been awesome on here with all your help. Thank you so much for the support. It really means a lot.

So, this is just a little update for anyone who is interested =]
I’ve been going regularly to my counselling for awhile now and it’s been pretty good. I sorted things out at my college which means that now I have less lessons, and more freetime. I’m lessed stessed about that so that’s GREAT. I’ve also figured out what I want to do when I’m older, so I’m totally excited about that!
I was thinking about taking both English’s and Photography at A-level, and then I’m going to go onto take a degree in Teaching English to Primary School kids. Then I’m going to take this course called, Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). This will enable me to get a job in other countries =D. In my spare time I’m also trying to get accepted onto a volunteering placement with a company called Lattitude. I get to pick what country I would like to go to, Japan, China or another Eastern country. And also what kind of volunteering I want to do. I chose to either be a classroom assistant or to help to look after street and orphan children =] It’s something Im very excited about and it makes me feel much better to have a purpose and a goal to eventually reach.
During my counselling I’ve started this thing called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Basically me and my counsellor talk about some of the problems I have, and then it goes on for another 12 sessions where we can explore them in more depth and help alter my way of thinking so that I can start thinking more positivly. So hopefully, thing’s are on the way up!

Glad to be back, =]

Jay.

I have to go see the doctor on saturday. It turns out that things might be more complicated than i originally thought.
I talked to a close friend of mine, I told him alot of stuff I’ve never told anyone before.
And it turns out that, I might have psychosis.

The past two days I’ve been having a little think about this whole thing. And I’ve kind of come to some sort of conclusion(s).

• Ever since I started college my depression and anxiety has been worse. This is mainly due to the fact that my comfort blanket (Best friends) are no longer with my and I’m kinda on my own. Which is scary to me. I no longer have the same kind of support I used to have.

• My low self-esteem stems from thing’s that went on early in my secondary school experiance. Mainly due to the fact that I used to get bullied in my first year, and then recently during the past 1-2 years found out what my friends had really thought of me. That when they first met me they thought I was annoying, and people used to talk behind my back. Which also explains why I’m now so nervous of meeting new people and what think of me. And also, the friends I hung around with are very pretty girls who get alot of attention from everyone. Even little comments such as, aww you look so pretty, etc etc, are comments that nobody ever gave to me. I believe I’m not pretty, because nobody ever told me.

There’s awhole lot more, that I think I need to take more time to think about and order my thoughts. But as soon as I work them out, I’ll be sureto blog them here.

People don’t realize how much they effect each other, particularly college kids.I’m not saying this is anyones fault. But, this whole friendship deal is really racking up some major paranoia and depression.
I get worried that people hate me because they arn’t talking to me, and then when they finally do I get paranoid that I’m annoying them or they’re finding me boring.
For instance, I feel like shit…and get this, for the dumbest reason that I said hey to this guy from college just now on MSN, and he hasn’t said hey back. Even though I know he’s there.
So now I’m sitting here feeling like shit and paranoid that he doesnt like me…simply for the fact that someone couldnt say hey back to me..

Fucked or what.

Thing’s were okay I guess…but, I don’t even know how to explain it. Thing’s just have a habit of not working and going wrong for me.
Once I made my goals I felt so positive you know, but then like last time I started to worry about doing them. Then I kind of pushed them to the back of my mind, because like everything else I don’t organize my time properly so I ended up not looking at them, and checking what I have to do.

Then, I had my exam on wedsnesday which was good but I went home afterwards because I thought we didn’t have to stay. Which we did. So I ended up having a call home from head of faculty asking why I wasn’t in, and I explained that I thought I could go home, and he said that’s fine. Come talk to me on Thursday.

Which I did, and he was cool about everything. And he said that if I was in on time for the rest of my lessons that day, and for Friday he would authorise my payment for my school money to come through.
Thursday evening I decided to stay with some friends for their birthday thing. Everything kind of went wrong with that, and I think I hurt my friends feelings.

Then, when I got home I talked to my friend who’s been depressed since forever. And I know that they’ve given her this medication that she might use to kill herself. I didn’t want to argue with her, because I know what things are like for her…But all I wanted was to see her today, Friday. She said that’s fine, and said I can go to her college in the afternoon if I’m not busy. I said that’s fine, I’ll take the day off from college because this is more important. This could be the last time I see her. She was supposed to ring me and tell me what time to meet here and where, and she didn’t.

So now I’m sitting at home, angry because I didn’t go to college for her; I’m not going to get my money now and my mum’s going to be mad at me, my head of faculty is going to be mad at me, I could be kicked out of my maths lessons because I haven’t been going.
Everything is just one huge mess, and on top of it I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve also been getting really paranoid about some new friends I have. I get paranoid that they arn’t really interested in getting to me, and they don’t really care if we talk or not, or they think I’m weird cos I keep asking them if I’m annoying them, which I probably am.

I’ve just somehow made myself a big mess, when all I was trying to do was clear it up.

Things to do if I get depressed:

• Watch a happy movie
• Write down what’s wrong, why i’m upset and what I can do to fix it
• Talk to someone who would cheer me up
• Go out with a friend to distract myself
• Read positive quotes
• Get inspired on 43 Things
• Don’t cancel any plans I have for the day

• Deep breaths; calm down
• Listen to my “calming” playlist
• Write down what’s wrong, why, and how I can fix it
• Talk to someone about my worries
• Assure myself that there is nothing to be worried about, everything is fine.

I’ve deleted all my other things, minus one, because I have to achieve this. I cna’t keep going on like this. It’s been going on for a year. I’ve had to suffer being in hospital, arguments with mum at home, losing friends, ruining my education. It’s not fair that it’s taking over.
I couldn’t go into college today because I was just so exhausted from lack of sleep and I just had no energy. I was so empty this morning, I saw no point in going. I’m sick of it. I don’t want it to go on anymore.
That’s why I’m back here, I know how supportive everyone here can be, and I want to learn some tips from you all.
If you think you can help me, please please reply to this.