get a masters degree

Well, today was the last day of summer school. You know what that means: it’s time to start thinking about Fall ‘07. Yes, it’s another school year, but not just any school year. It will be my last semester as an undergrad and come December, I will be a college graduate! I won’t get my diploma for another month or so after, but still.

On the one hand, I don’t feel like it’s a big deal, because I still want my masters, so I’m not really done yet. On the other hand, I feel like it’s a huge deal, because my family has been rooting for me, and I know college is not something everyone has the opportunity to take advantage of. Either way, I need a bachelors to get a masters, so I suppose this upcoming milestone is one small step to be proud of, right?

I met with a career counselor today to talk about my uncertainty as to whether I should start a “real job” during my time off between undergrad and grad school. I also told her how I was scared of life in the real world and how I’m nervous about the transition to life out of school. She told me a lot of good things. She told me about how she came to have her job, how she used to teach high school but it turned out not to be exactly the right fit for her. She also told me to think about the major decisions I’ve had to make in my life, and pointed out that they’ve most likely been the right choices. That was a really good point; I had never thought of it that way. She said I should trust myself. I think she’s right. I’ve been worrying about whether being a librarian is right for me, when maybe the real problem is that I’m worried about the the part where I’m a new librarian trying to find a work environment that suits me. I think I need to stop worrying so much.

The honest truth is that I feel like I’m regressing, although I know that this experience is part of my learning how to deal with change. I signed up for the GRE, I’ve been studying, if I can really call it that—I’ve read most of the chapters in my review book and done practice questions every day, I just don’t know how much it’s helping. Anyway, on the first day of my studying session, I just felt really overwhelmed and panicky, and I started to question whether I was really ready for grad school. Even though time is passing (quickly), and I know I want to go grad school, it just still feels like it’s so far off, and I guess it is, since even if I started right after undergrad it’s still a year and a half away, but there are a lot of aspects that I need to start thinking about now.

I feel like all this pressure is piling up on me, and I had a talk with my mom about it. See, when I decided against being a teacher, my new goal was to become a librarian. This still is my goal, but I also feel like I don’t have enough experience to know for sure, and I don’t want to graduate with a Master’s degree and start a career only to find out I’ve made a mistake. I’m now considering taking a year or two off after graduation to move back home and work for a while (at the public library perhaps) to get some “real world” experience and find out what I want to do for a career.

Like I said, I feel kind of like I’m regressing, and I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself over the years to do great things and live up to everyone’s expectations of how well they think I’m going to do in life, but I’ve gotten advice from various adults and they’ve all pretty much said it’s okay to take things slow. So I guess this is just another learning experience on how to give myself a break. But I’m still going to take the GRE and the classes I need to get into UCLA, that way I’ll at least have them under my belt when I apply.

I just signed up to take the GRE. I know that’s not a huge deal overall, but it is to me because I’d been putting it off, not wanting to think about having to take another test. But now that I’ve done it, I have to say that although I’m very nervous, I feel a little sense of accomplishment at simply having registered for it.

This year is proving to be kind of tough, as it’s having its ups and downs. Some days are good, or normal, but other days I’ve just felt totally overwhelmed. And I don’t think my life is going to get much easier. After college there will be grad school to struggle through. I still don’t know where I want to go. Sometimes I think Iowa or New Jersey would be fun, and their programs sound good. Other times I wonder how I’ll ever make it so far, when I can barely stand being an hour and a half away from my parents right now in Long Beach. Then comes trying to find a job and trying to keep myself alive. All that is very stressful for me. And when I’m under stress, minor hassles seem like catastrophes. All these other college students seem to be just fine and dandy, which I know isn’t the case, but it still feels that way. Sometimes I feel like it’s a windy day and I’m walking a tightrope. And every gust threatens to push me off. If I look down I can see people bustling about, living their lives, blissfully unaware of the fearful girl above them. And because they don’t know I’m teetering, there’s no one to catch me if I fall.

Am I the only one around here who feels like one more crack will cause me to shatter?

In my last entry, I relayed my anxiety about graduating and working and then going back to school. This entry, however, is a little-no, a lot-more optimistic. School starts on Monday, and I’m taking five classes. I know this year will go by very quickly, and this summer I’ve had some time to let my graduation news sink in. I got a few things done: I took a class at the community college, I joined the community band, and I even took a trip to Washington state with some family members. As my accomplishments relate to this goal, I also “volunteered” at the library this summer, where I talked to several of the people working there about what being a librarian is like.

I’ve considered becoming a librarian for about two years now, and it has recently surpassed my desire to be an elementary school teacher, which is what my bachelor’s degree was going to be for. Anyway, I’m finishing it up now without getting the credential, and while I spent time at the library I was able to talk to the librarians of the two small branch libraries, and two or three of the librarians at the main branch. I also got to talk to one of the employees at the main branch who is going to library school right now, and that was really good for me, because she quelled a lot of my fears about it, and she even goes to the school I want to go to.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about my options after undergrad studies, and starting now I have two years before I plan to start grad school. I’m going to have a lot of work to do this school year, finding out the requirements for graduation and finding out as much as I can about the library school I hope to attend, as well as saving some money for it and preparing to move about six hours away (right now I’m only about an hour and a half away, so six hours is kind of a big thing for me). At the beginning of the summer I felt really unprepared, but over the last few months I’ve been able to muster up some courage, and I’m ready to take on this challenge. I’m ready to ask a lot of questions, take lots of notes, and move into uncharted territory. We’ll see how it goes.

I had an appointment at the liberal studies office yesterday, and Dr. O’Connor asked me if I’m graduating next year. This is my third year, and I have always anticipated that it would take me five years to get my undergrad degree. I recently switched programs under my major, though, and now I don’t have as many classes to take. So anyway, I replied to Dr. O’Connor that I wasn’t sure if I was going to graduate next year or the year after, and he said “Well, let’s count.” He counted with me how many classes I have left, and there are thirteen. If you discount the science class I’m going to take this summer, there are twelve. Twelve! So what I’m probably going to end up doing is taking five classes this fall, five next spring, one next summer, and then take the last one in fall 2007.

I was planning to apply to grad school in fall 2007, but now since I’ll most likely graduate in one year and not two, I thought about applying this fall. However, I just don’t think I’m ready. My tentative plan is to take that one class in fall ‘07, find a full-time job, and apply to grad school at that time just like I had been planning to. The only difference is I’ll be taking only one class and working instead of taking on a full school load. Then after that semester I’ll just work and save money for grad school.

Truth be told, this is all very, very scary for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that I’m moving ahead quickly. But at the same time, I’m really nervous about grad school, partly because I know it’s going to be a lot of work, and partly because I’m probably going to be moving far from home where I can’t visit my parents every weekend or every other weekend like I have been. I’m extremely excited at the thought of truly being on my own and
making new friends and that kind of thing, but at the same time it’s really, really nerve-wracking.

How have adults come to be as independent as they are? Because right now, I’m terrified. Excited, yes, but terrified. Curse these growing pains. Any words of encouragement are welcome.

I’m working on a bachelor’s and teaching credential right now. Some of my family members see this as a big thing because they never got the opportunity to go to school, and I definitely appreciate their being proud, but for me, it’s not as big of a deal because I’ve never doubted that I would go to college. A Masters degree, however, is not something I always considered and I think it’s something that will be challenging, but I have a feeling that I’ll be really, really proud of myself once I get it. I’m going to college right now mostly for myself, but I know that it’s also partly for my family. Getting my masters, I think, is something I’ll be doing wholly for myself.