become more assertive

I found myself last week in one of those awkward conversations on the phone with a friend. He owes me quite a bit of money, and was discussing some of his grand plans for a trip. While it’s the sort of thing that I usually would let slip, I realized that this was fully in line with the kind of situation I had in mind when I put “Become more assertive” as a goal, and so took a breath and talked to him about it. The conversation went well, and I felt so much better afterwards.

It’s fascinating the power that simply having a goal like this named and online somewhere can have towards trying to make it happen.

I had a great opportunity come my way to work on an exciting web project this past week. It would be with folks I like, doing something I’m good at.

It felt wonderful to say No! Typically as soon as I free up my time I almost instantly commit myself to some project or other, most often someone else’s. It’s wonderful to slowly start turning down projects that are great, but aren’t what I want to be doing right now.

In the past week I’ve had two small assertions that have pleased me:

The first was suggesting to our Video group that we should divide percentage of any profits based on work load, and suggesting what I thought were appropriate percentages. It looks like we’re going to go with them, as opposed to an equal split.

The second was backing out of this Thursday’s lion dance. It was hard for me to work up the nerve to do it, particularly as I do feel that I owe my Sifus. But when I explained the reasons why this week is crazy, they were totally understanding.

Just having the goal written down here is helpful: it reminds me in a concrete way that this is something I need to work on.

I had a good talk with my employers yesterday, and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to have the April I envisioned (fully off, with no work responsibilities). I stuck to my guns as much as possible, but saw that my entire idea of working project on – project off wasn’t going to be feasible.

The company is fantastic! Small, flexible, making great software and fun to work in, but it left me with a tough decision: Stay in a very good, stable, secure position that wasn’t quite what I wanted, or risk leaving and striking out on my own.

I’ve taken two days to think about it, and sent in my letter of resignation today. I’ll be working light the next couple of months, then as of May I am on my own employment / project wise. Terrifying and exhilarating. I feel such a profound sense of freedom, literally as of a weight lifitng off my chest. And I feel great about not letting my own needs take second place to the needs of those around me (as is frequently my pattern).

I’ve confirmed at work that I’ll be taking time off as of April. Initially I’d said I’d be fine with it being give or take a week or so, but have realized I need the time off soon, and that there is always an infinite supply of work… the only way there’ll be a “good” time for me to do it is for me to make it a good time. So: April 1st it is. (I’ll reiterate this in the email I send with my invoice). 1 month to go!

I’m an incredibly flexible person. Usually its an asset, but in order for it to be as much of one as it can be, it needs to be balanced with an ability to be assertive. I have a hard time saying “no” to things, particularly things I enjoy. Thus I spend a lot of my time hanging out with friends simply… hanging out. I need to carve out more time for myself, and I want generally to be able to face any sort of potential conflict with friends (or others) head on. I want to be able to state my goals solidly, then follow through on them.