Love without fear

• Today, J. and I viewed all the Pulitzer Prize-winning photographs at the Newseum (along with accompanying stories and interviews). This was a very somber and moving experience since many of them involve famine, death, war etc. I personally am very emotional (being a musician this comes in handy) and in the past I’ve always dated artists and find it easy to bond emotionally with them. This has been a sticking point for me with J. because he isn’t outwardly emotional, nor is he skilled or comfortable with being that way. But he was visibly upset by the exhibit. Strange to say I was happy he was practically crying, but certainly I felt close to him and felt we’d shared an experience. When a person has a vastly different emotional reaction to something, it can be divisive….makes me wonder “Who IS this person??”
  This experience also made me realize how much I CRAVE the feeling of being MOVED. I love sad movies and books and they way they make me feel alive. It puts things in perspective and makes me aware of all the other people out there, which I think is helpful for my depression as well. So, I realized, I’m expecting too much of this stimulation to come from my relationship. My relationship shouldn’t be a drama-filled angst-ridden disaster area so that I can get my “fix”!
• And on a lighter note, I put up a display of “Pictures That Make me Happy” on my hallway wall. I selected about 12 and many of them include J. from our adventures (like Peru etc.) Every time I walk by I smile. I don’t know why I haven’t put up pictures of us before? That is normal relationship behavior! It seems like one views another person through the lens of whichever attitude you’re wearing that day. Certainly walking by and seeing so many great moments of our relationship as evidence on the wall doesn’t allow me to get in a negative frame of mind. (Which I am prone to about everything!)

Based on the recommendations of others, I’ve ordered The Path to Love by Deepak Chopra. I’ve never read any of his books before but the description really resonated with me.
There’s something blocking my ability to fully experience intimacy, and I’ve worked on it a lot in the past with therapists. I’m not sure it’s “fear” as the goal says, but it something(s) and I’m really ready to move past it!

that this is the most accurate name for my goal. My main issue these days is that the boyfriend wants to move forward: i.e. get married or at least move in together. But I’m recently divorced (2 years) and although he’s divorced as well, it’s been 8 years. I still feel like I’m reestablishing myself and treasuring my independence. He’s very understanding but I’m afraid after another year (it’s been 14 months) he won’t still be understanding. Plus, the situation is logistically so incredibly ideal: we both own our own houses only 6 minutes apart. Why mess with success, right? But I’m secretly afraid to end up in another bad marriage. I need to have more faith in myself and only time will tell what is the right thing to do.

Ha. So I had this dream that my boyfriend of over a year (who loves animals) was secretly collecting stray dogs and selling them to a medical lab in Michigan. I felt so blindsided!
Fear gets you in unexpected ways….