Drop 2 dress sizes

Apparently time flies when you are NOT having fun as well.

ahem.

When last at the docs, I discussed my inability to lose weight. I’m pretty certain about what I do and don’t eat, so I must be eating without being aware. Perplexing since I’m fully cognizant of my money (down to the penny!) and can’t see where I’ve been secretly buying cookies.

She explained the pill again, assuring me that I won’t just randomly cack myself – only if I consume fat. If I eat some turkey? She’s says there isn’t enough fat in that to cause the ‘anal leakage’ effect. Since I am not working right now and have quick access to the loo, just in case, we decided that I’m going to try the pills for just one month as a way to see if I really am consuming fatty items.

I’m still sort of scared what might happen, considering what I discovered this morning. I had a weekend binge o’ crap in preparation for starting my new awareness on Monday (yesterday) so today I began my food journal and was checking the calorie content of yesterday’s consumption and discovered to my absolute horror that my fresh pasta and pesto contained ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED and EIGHT calories. Granted, this was split between two meals yesterday, but it still totaled 1,108 at the end of the day. Fuck me!

My goal is actually FILL the prescription this week and then start on them next week and keep that food log to maintain my awareness.

I attended my final Fat Class on October 6th. Because I had not lost the target weight, if I wanted to continue with the courses I would need to go on medication. Medication that can cause severe anal leakage.

Nope, that ain’t for me.

I did what I said I’d do, I followed their prescribed course and managed to GAIN 12 pounds. I honored my commitment and felt no guilt whatsoever with my decision to opt out.

October is my sugar-free month, and so far I have dropped one full stone. In another week or so I will be able to start excercising again. This feels good.

I haven’t given up hope, despite feeling quite hopeless lately. I’ve gained 12 pounds so far because I spend all of my fucking time eating. It takes a lot of food to make up 1700 (healthy) calories and I’m really getting sick of eating.

I know that we’re training my body to recognize that it is getting regular meals, blah fucking blah, and that eventually the weight will come off (according to them) but that doesn’t help much when my clothes are too tight and I can’t breathe from the extra weight and I can’t even afford to buy some stretchy trousers to tide me over. Only 2 more months to go!

the weight management clinic (fat class) that was to begin in April is FINALLY beginning on June 16th (2 days after the MoonWalk).

It’s about a mile away from the office, and runs 1.5 hours each session (9 session in Phase 1) but I’ve got approval from HR and my boss to attend.

I really hope this works.

On Friday (or was it Thurs? Busy week, all the days running together) I called to opt into Fat Camp. They have booked me into the group near my office (which is good since the group meetings are during the day I can just do ‘lunch’ and not miss work). The not so good part is that the next cycle of group meetings (for any branch, I’m told) doesn’t begin until APRIL. Oi.

Like I said in my online journal, I’m going to treat this goal like I did my stop-smoking goal and start to wean myself off (of sugar this time) until such that it won’t be too difficult once my end-date arrives.

I need to take a seriously HARD look at my eating and figure out ways to regulate what I’m doing. I’ll also start increasing my exercise, but maybe at a pace that won’t spike the back pain so high.

I’m still motivated, and who knows, maybe by the time April rolls around I won’t need fat camp.

So no questions? You are a rather un-curious lot!

I had my introductory session with the weight management folks last Tuesday, and now I have to wait for 7 working days before I telephone to opt into the program.

I’m hoping that gal isn’t my nutritionist because I’d have to throttle her. I am SO SICK of being ignored, dismissed, and disbelieved—it makes me so damn angry.

For most of my life I have been accepting all of the things that have been happening to me and to my life, stuffing all of my emotions deep down inside and ignoring myself for the betterment of others. Well, NO MORE.

I am going to commit to this program 100%. I will do exactly what they tell me to do for exercise and for diet. I will not waiver, I will not argue, I will not doubt. I will stick with their plan for the 4 months of phase 1—because if I am wrong and they are right (I can admit to the possibility) then I stand to lose the weight and potentially get fit in the process.

If I am right and they are wrong, then I will know that I truly did what I could and can then pursue my own means of success.

well folks, the year ends in two weeks and it is highly unlikely that I will make this goal so you might want to give it a think if you planned to ask a question…. I’ll be answering the first five questions submitted*.

I really thought I could reach this goal, and then became discouraged when I gained 15 pounds after spending two weeks not eating and just sleeping, because of my grief at the death of my Grandmother. I assumed it was another PCOS induced spurt, but after I received my first paycheque I started back to eating my protein and fresh veges every day and I’ve already managed to lose half of those pounds.

I received my introductory appointment to the fat clinic (Jan 15th) and I’m somewhat cautious while somewhat hopeful at the same time. Others I have spoken to said they were prescribed an appetite suppression drug, but I’m hoping the clinic won’t force that on me because I do not need it.

I am holding out hope that they will listen to me, that they will see me as an individual with unique problems, that will care, and that they will be able to help me. A girl can dream…

My doctor submitted the form to the obesity clinic requesting an appointment from me. They turned around and sent me a letter asking if I still wanted an appointment, and if so I need to call “this” number between 08:30-13:00. I phoned, said “yes, I want an appointment. They said, “okay, we’ll send one out to you”.

This incompetency does not bode well.

I’ve been bitching about the BMI (body mass index) issue under my “get a breast reduction” goal, but thought it apropos to this goal as well.

One of my fellow online journalers is a beautiful, healthy, active woman that suffers from negative body issues (too). She’s contributed a photo to this slideshow project, put together by Kate Harding to “demonstrate just how ridiculous the BMI standards are.”

it’s fascinating, and well worth a look.

I’ve got all the exercise gear assembled. Now if I could just locate my motivation…